Former Page Six scribe, Law & Order inspiration, and current UrbanDaddy blogger Jared Paul Stern’s second (alleged) attempt at extorting money from Ron Burkle has failed. The first time around, he was reportedly caught on tape offering the Friend Of Clinton the opportunity to pay for favorable coverage in the column with cold hard cash. This time, he sued over defamation about that first time around. Oh well: A judge has tossed his lawsuit against Burkle and the Clintons.

Somehow the travails of Buzz Bissinger v. Will Leitch, Jared Paul Stern v. Ron Burkle, Page Six v. Vanessa Grigoriadis, Cathy Horyn v. Giorgio Armani, Dale Peck v. Rick Moody, and Leonard Wieseltier v. Andrew Sullivan get boiled down to what’s going on between Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag:

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Jared Paul Stern’s alleged shakedown of Ron Burkle is finally getting the Law & Order treatment, and Mo Rocca will guest as the former Page Sixer ripped from the headlines. But in this version of events, Stern’s character suffers the fate of a car bomb. In real life, he simply did what any struggling writer might do: found a blogging gig.

Last Thursday, New York Post’s Page Six column occupied three whole pages for the first time in its storied history, proving that if there’s one thing Richard Johnson’s good at, it’s pocketing boatloads of cash. From the advertisers, of course!

And while the NYT is on hand to explore the more boring ad-sales revenue aspect of this mysterious third-page addition, we’re far more preoccupied wondering what effect this will have on the Sixers’ already non-existent sleep schedules.

Because even if you reserve a quarter of the page for Searle, Coach and Contempo Casual ads, that still leaves an additional three-quarters of a page of backstabbing socialites, billionaire playboys and two-timing trophy wives. And, seeing as Page Six’s previous experience with outside freelancers didn’t exactly go so well, we’re guessing that extra reporting will sit squarely on the shoulders of the current staffers.

Either that or they’ll need to hire an additional staffer. Fortunately, we hear Sarah Polonsky is still available…

Apparently, not everyone agrees with the New York Post’s decision to confront Jared Paul Stern and Ian Spiegelman’s allegations head-on in Friday’s Page Six. However, the Post nevertheless stands by their decision in today’s paper.

Because nothing shows an unwavering commitment to truth, justice and the pursuit of journalistic integrity like reprinting the unsolicited payola confessional in Monday’s Page Six!*

Sure, it originally ran Friday, and is incorrectly dated as of yesterday, but they’re going to keep on printing it until Jared Paul Stern is recognized as the rogue freelancer he truly is.

And until Ian Spiegelman is forever known as “homophobic.”

*Or at least in the online edition.

You probably know Jared Paul Stern as the disgraced Page Six freelancer who was fired after extorting Ron Burkle back in 2006. Yes, as we all know, Stern was eventually cleared of all charges, though he was generally recognized by everyone (except those in danger of being named in his defamation suit) as a guilty ass, who skated free due to a lack of evidentiary support.

Indeed, back in January, the Post was quick to gloat over Stern’s exoneration, brazenly skewering the Daily News for jumping to premature conclusions about his guilt, denying rumors of any quid pro quo arrangements at the Page Six and preemptively defending Stern as though their lives—and corporate bank accounts—depended on it.

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• Sarah Jessica isn’t making crappy bargain basement clothes; she’s making fashion democracy!

• Obnoxiously loud celebrities and Charlie Sheen embrace 9/11 conspiracy theories.

• “The Diary of Anna Nicole Smith” sells for upwards of $500K. And she couldn’t even read good!

• Jared Paul Stern sticks to his revenge guns, elects to sue the entire world over that whole nasty extortion episode.

• The debut of Apple TV makes us unreasonable angry with our Sony Vaio.

• Internet maestro Abbe Diaz launches members-only online club for people who identify as “the help.”

We just love a good, old-fashioned newspaper rivalry.

Which is why we were particularly delighted this morning to pick up the New York Post and find that they’d lambasted the Daily News for their unfair depiction of the innocent gossip pawn, Jared Paul Stern, the Page Sixer accused—and now cleared—of extorting billionaire Ron Burkle:

Daily News really can’t be blamed for not having all the facts. The sad tabloid, whose circulation is dropping faster than a prom dress, purposefully misleads its readers when it covers The Post. Red-faced editors at the News were avoiding questions yesterday after claiming their paper had “first disclosed” details of the meetings between former Page Six contributor Jared Paul Stern and supermarket billionaire Ron Burkle, which led to a federal investigation of Stern that’s now been dropped. The Post actually broke the story on its Web site on April 6, 2006, the day before the News published it. The News also took credit for revealing that “other Page Six employees had received free trips . . . from companies and personalities featured in the column.” This is shameless hypocrisy in light of the fact that certain Daily News columnists are still suntanned from their junkets to the Raffles Canouan resort in the Grenadines; to Istanbul, Turkey; and Qatar on the Red Sea. Detailed queries to usually loquacious News Editor-in-Chief Martin Dunn weren’t returned yesterday. Maybe he was freeloading on a beach somewhere.

Wow, you gotta admire the way the worked the phrase “dropping faster than a prom dress” in there. Anything that rings of childish name calling and schoolyard insults certainly rings dignified to us.

And never mind that the Post themselves suspended Stern as soon as initially rumors surfaced, only to officially fire him shortly thereafter. Also, never mind that while Stern isn’t officially being charged with a crime, he’s not exactly the poster-boy for journalistic ethics. (He may not have actually extorted funds from Burkle, but he seemed to have no problem with pocketing his money, either—supposedly for a joint “business venture,” but more likely as a quid pro quo in exchange for “protecting” Burkle from bad press).

Anyhow, we’re just amused to see the Post rush to Stern’s defense, in time to get back on Stern’s good side (before all the lawsuits begin!) and, of course, to knock their closest competitor. But they better hope they don’t have any “freeloading” secrets to hide—because we just can’t wait until Martin Dunn gets back from his all-expenses paid vacay to issue a scathing rebuttal.

• Time mag attempts to poach The New York Times‘ columnists; gets “brutally rebuffed” by op-ed contributors MoDo and Tom Friedman.

• Jared Paul Stern is cleared of extortion charges, plans to celebrate by throwing a really big lawsuit.

• Rupert Murdoch enters the billionaires’ bidding-war over Tribune, hoping to combine the New York Newsday and the New York Post into new, crappy hybrid.

• GMA anchor Chris Cuomo comes this-close to being killed in that Iraq war President Bush keeps promising us we’ll win.

• So apparently, you’re not encouraged to take $50K joyrides on the company’s private jet.

• The pervy NYT was right on the money-shot! Porn industry expected to determine the future of HDTV.

Breaking:

It’s just been reported that Jared Paul Stern, (the former Page Sixer who was notoriously fired last April for allegedly extorting billionaire Ron Burkle), will not be charged with a crime by the U.S. Attorney’s office.

Stern, who proclaimed he was being set up by Burkle to begin with, issued the following statement through his attorney, Joe Tacopina:

I have been informed by the U.S. Attorney’s office that they are not proceeding with any case against Mr. Stern. We have said from day one that this was a campaign to spread lies based on false accusations fueled by Burkle’s personal vendetta against the New York Post, and that there was never any evidence of wrongdoing on Mr. Stern’s part.

No word yet on Burkle’s reaction, but something tells us he’ll be less than pleased. Meanwhile, Richard Johnson is still trying to convince his hot new wife to give him that birthday blow-job she promised him.

Though Jared Paul Stern’s Stern Measures book deal with Simon & Schuster will bring in at least part of the $220,00 he tried extorting from Ron Burkle, the saleability of Stern’s tell-all – which, we’ve noted, doesn’t sound like the scandal sheet it was originally thought to be – is being questioned by the Times‘ Julie Bosman (along with much of the publishing and gossip industries). There are two obvious categories Stern’s book could fall into: The Jayson Blair “fall from grace” sector (4,000 copies sold), or the insider gossip sector, a la Paula Froelich’s It!: 9 Secrets of the Rich and Famous That’ll Take You to the Top (9,000 copies, and that leads the pack).

And then, of course, there’s the Stephen Glass version of things. While Glass’ own book sold only about 4,000 copies, it was the Stepehn Glass story – penned by Adam Penenberg – that turned Glass into a household name, thanks to the movie deal that became Shattered Glass. So there’s still hope for Stern in his quest to turn his Burkle debacle into profit and fame. But for Simon & Schuster, book rights are book rights, and those are always less sexy.

Gossip Gets a Book Deal, but What About Sales? [Julie Bosman, NYT]
Earlier: The Jared Paul Stern Tome Only Snoodles Is Eagerly Awaiting

If the only redeeming quality of a Page Six tenure is the ability to get a book deal, then nearly all the former (and some current) Sixers have basked in the glory of working at the gossip bible. Most recently, Paula Froelich had her turn, followed by Ian Spiegelman. And now we’re on the cusp of ousted Sixer and current BlackBook books editor Jared Paul Stern’s roman a clef, which is less a tell-all book than a means to avoid Chapter 7. The Observer’s Choire Sicha is on the Stern trail, monitoring his margarita intake, Diddy socializing, and the hatchet job Stern hopes bookshelves are eagerly awaiting. But, uh, are we?

While Mr. Burkle, or the F.B.I., or both, dangle videotapes over his [Stern's] head, or over the New York Post, Mr. Stern now has a potential weapon of his own against the Post. Both, or one, or neither may have any damaging goods at all.

[Stern's lawyer Jared] Tacopina disputed the analogy. “I don’t think Jared’s holding anything over anyone’s head.”

He’s got nothing on Richard Johnson. He seems to hold Paula in high regard. And the only notable piece of damage is his report about a “colleague” who was “notorious for never paying for a meal.” Real. Juicy. Stuff. Here. Folks. Let the Amazon.com preordering rush begin.

Jared Paul Stern Is Slouching Back With Book, Lawsuit [Choire Sicha, NYO]

Jared Paul Stern is not giving up on the media industry quite yet — and it certainly isn’t giving up on him. The former Page Six scribe who brought scandal to the page (and the world of gossip at large) was just brought on by BlackBook’s Steve Garbarino to contribute to the Books section.

There are embers of life yet in the smoking ruin that is Jared Paul Stern’s journalistic career. The alleged Page Six extortionist (and onetime Radar contributor) has been hired as books editor of BlackBook magazine.

Seems like a good fit for Stern, who edited the Books section at the New York Post and is a contributing editor at the similar fashion-y life style mag Zink. We asked JPS about his thoughts on joining one of favorite party scene pubs. Of course, he includes a promotional plug … but that’s how we get people to talk to us.

Steve Garbarino, the new BB editor, is a brilliant editor and a true friend in this town full of men with big mouths and no guts…

I’m also working on my own book and skull & bones. and getting ready to sue me some billionaires. They should all be rounded up and shot.

And we just hope Stern isn’t going to take it upon himself to conduct the execution! Honestly, we’ve never had such a justification for being broke.

Stern Finds Redemption [Jeff Bercovici, Radar, 2nd Item]

Thanks to Jared Paul Stern (and some stellar reporting from Campbell Robertson) everyone now knows how the wonderful world of gossip works. You give us what we want (money, photos, whatever) and we’ll give you what you want (money, protection, whatever) and everyone’s happy. Well, by “us” and “we” we don’t actually mean “we at Jossip” (we don’t have millions, nor do we care to protect anyone from anything) but the gossip industry in general.

Confused? Well, here — let the editor in chief of Star magazine, Joe Dolce, explain how things work. See, a bunch of magazines want to see Suri Cruise — even though most of them are speculating that something is terribly wrong with the poor child. The celeb tabloids will go to great lengths to keep readers happy, and what would make readers happy would be a photo of the much bustled about baby drooling and looking alive. The Times busiest reporter Katharine Seelye suspects Shiloh snagging People will get the first Suri pics. And how will they get them? JPS style, of course.

Mr. Dolce of Star said there were several negotiating tactics that magazines used behind the scenes to land a celebrity. “You could promise no negative stories on Tom and Katie for X number of months, though Tom and Katie would probably ask for a blackout more than anything else,” he said. “Or you might swing a deal like OK! had with Jessica Simpson — we’ll pay you $5 million and that will cover the next four stories.”

The best part is when People confirms this situation, saying the offers they’ve presented to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are “nothing Tom and his camp haven’t heard before.” See, guys. It’s not just Page Six. The whole industry is like a mafia … minus the fat Italians.

Celebrity Baby, M.I.A., Stokes a Frenzy [Katharine Q. Seelye, New York Times]

• Donald Trump’s magazine might not be workin’ out so well. Though, in light of claims that his good friend Jeffrey Esptein is a pedophile rapist, a little non-mag launch doesn’t look so bad. [NYP]

• Nick Denton’s employees attempt to show the world they actually are necessary. [Gawker]

• How can you have a fashion story about how cool skulls and bones are without mentioning Jared Paul Stern’s clothing line? Well, no matter. JPS doesn’t want any more meaningless press from the Times anyways. [ETP]

• In this video of Lindsay Lohan walking around we even get to see her for about three seconds. And that’s plenty of time for her to say “fine, thank you.” [X17]

• David Hasselhoff was reportedly too drunk to board a flight at London’s Heathrow airport. His publicist claims that he was just sick from taking too many pills. We’re sure he was probably”exhausted” as well. [TMZ, AP]