Katie Holmes is not looking forward to returning to LA once her Broadway stint in All My Sons is over. Because New York has the best cafes and she isn't dragged to "as many Scientology events" as she is on the West Coast.

And all that rapid eye-blinking during her finale performance? That wasn't a tic, it was morse code for S.O.S.

"She should be very proud of her performance. She did a fine job."
-Tom Cruise's Rain Man costar, Dustin Hoffman, on Katie Holmes' performance in All My Sons.

Any pics of the supposed Anonymous protesting of the play, or were they all too busy trying to hide from the feds after hacking into Sarah Palin's email account?

Update: Nope, the anti-Scientology brigade was out in full nerd force for the play's preview. Pictures after the jump:

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Anonymous, the masked Internet avengers against Scientology, are planning a protest outside the Broadway theater where Katie Holmes will be starring in All My Sons. The show, which doesn't even open till October 16th, is already getting slapped with reports of lackluster ticket sales.

While the Anonymous group protests the unwatchable show, they claim their goal is not to humiliate Ms. Holmes, but to "save Katie."

From Tom Cruise? From herself? Or from the nasty queens in the critics circle who will enjoy nothing more than tearing her mediocre acting to shreds of lost dignity?

The Holmes backlash has been in effect for quite awhile now, what with her marrying that crazy guy and bearing his creepily-perfect alien love baby. But give credit where credit is due, Holmes isn't the worst actress in Hollywood today. (Melanie Griffith still gets work.)

Although fans of the Dark Knight were relieved when Maggie Gyllenhaal took over to play Katie's role, Holmes has always been one of those young actresses whose performance can best be described with words like "decent," "acceptable," and "passing." She was very good in Thank You For Smoking, actually. Unfortunately, as Mrs. Cruise tries to take Xenu's gospel to the Great White Way, her acceptable mediocrity isn't bowling over the Broadway audiences:

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Because half of the gossip news cycle is not what is happening, but what isn't, today's breaking news out of the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes camp is that the one slightly more interested in sleeping with women will not be headed to Broadway as SOME REPORTS HAVE CLAIMED! Sure, Katie Holmes will make her debut in Arthur Miller's All My Sons, where ticket sales are nothing to boast about, but the closest Cruise will get to the Broadway stage is showing up on Katie's opening night. He will then retreat to Hollywood, which doesn't want him either.

Victoria Beckham, Jennifer Lopez, Brooke Shields, Sumner Redstone, Steven Spielberg, Oprah Winfrey, Gayle King, and Kirstie Alley were among the A-listers who attending TomKat's big Beverley Hills housewarming party. Page Six, however, also spotted "all the gays, which was hilarious because Scientology 'cures' gays."

But maybe, just maybe, they were just the help?

Katie Holmes is definitely taking up residence in New York, as she'll appear on Broadway's All My Sons, from Arthur Miller, this fall. [People] For obvious reasons, you can expect she and Tom Cruise to be renting an apartment somewhere in this vicinity. [Photo: Flickr]

Just in time for the October premiere of Tom Cruise's Valkyrie, about a a plot to assassinate Hitler during WWII, Katie Holmes is set to make her Broadway debut in Arthur Miller's All My Sons, a family drama set during … WWII. The play would be a revival of the work, which first appeared on New York's stage in 1947, was turned into a movie and TV film. Holmes is said to have committed for a workshop of the show, set to begin in May. And unlike Thank You For Smoking, there is no nude scene to quibble about: Katie will keep her clothes on, just like she does when she goes to bed with Tom.

• The worst dressed awards are more fun than the actual Oscars.

• Brooke Hogan deals with her parents' divorce by doing calisthenics in a bikini.

• Britney Spears goes to dinner to earn another paycheck from the paparazzi.

• Note to Tom Cruise: Katie Holmes needs a new script.

• Stars are just like us: they love free crao.

• Angelina Jolie rocking a serious lady bump.

Our daily attempt to help you seem smart, even if you’re not.

weasel word \WEE-zul-WURD\ noun : a word used in order to mislead a person or to avoid a straight answer

Along with teaching Suri Cruise to say please and thank you, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are instructing their daughter about the importance of weasel words.

[Photos]

MTV has an old-school interview with then-child star Brad Renfro. The other night on Letterman, Katie Holmes said she wouldn't mind if Suri went into acting. Watching the video, she should think, or have Tom think for her, a bit more about that.

[Photo]

Our daily attempt to help you seem smart, even if you’re not.

shank's mare \SHANKS-MAIR\ noun: one's own legs

When visiting New York, Katie Holmes traveled by shank's mare, showing off her shapely legs.

[Photos]

While Good Morning America scored a sit down with Katie Holmes on Monday, Diane Sawyer's refusal to ask any questions about, um, SCIENTOLOGY, makes its softball interview look like a steaming pile of PR-friendly crap next to Today anchor Meredith Vieira's chat this morning with Tom Cruise unauthorized biographer Andrew Morton.

While GMA executive producer Jim Murphy claims there was no contract in place that kept them from asking the hard questions in exchange for access to Holmes, few believe their story. (For his part, Murphy claims it was he who ended the interview early, angering Sawyer who didn't get a chance to get to the tough Qs. Take one for the team!)

Morton's book – which isn't being published in England, Australia, and New Zealand because of stringent libel laws – received the expected level of criticism from the Church of Scientology. It also received a skeptic's view from Meredith, who challenged Morton's claims that Cruise is the "de facto" second-in-command, that daughter Suri is the spawn of L. Ron Hubbard, or that Tom Cruise is "dangerous" (a statement he backtracked on in the interview). What's this? Not accepting someone's statements at face value! Tres nouveau!

After the jump, the full video of Tom Cruise's Scientology video that got some of this buzz going.

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• If you see more pantless people on the subway than usual on Sunday, the joke is on you. Improv Everywhere takes over public transit this weekend.

• Justice by example: Marion Jones was given a six-month sentence for using steroids. Your parents weren't kidding when they said life isn't fair.

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PRETEND When asked about Nicole Kidman’s pregnancy last night, Katie Holmes said, "I'm so happy for her. … It's wonderful." Let’s be real: best case scenario, Katie Holmes feels resigned indifference about her husband’s ex-wife’s pregnancy. [People]

• An internet exclusive: Naked pictures of Britney Spears.

• If you need a break from Britney's craziness, Paula Abdul is also crazy.

• And if you're not sick of Britney Spears's craziness, she may have realized that the paparazzo she's been intimate with was using her. Say it ain't so!

• Kim Cattrall is no Nicolette Sheridan, and is starting to look her age in a bathing suit. In other words, it's time to stop wearing bikinis.

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• We might worship different Gods, but anyone can appreciate a Britney crotch shot figurine.

• Spears family etiquette says giving a figurine of your own crotch is in bad taste, so Britney looks for baby clothes for her little sister.

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Our daily attempt to help you seem smart, even if you’re not.

audition \aw-DISH-un\ noun

1 : the power or sense of hearing; 2 : the act of hearing; especially : a critical hearing; 3 : a trial performance to appraise an entertainer's merits

Before marrying Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes had to audition for the part. With some changes to hair and wardrobe, she nailed it.

[Photo Credit: WireImage]

Money makes the world go round, and there's seemingly no limit to what an American Express Black card-carrier can accomplish. Until now, that is! Apparently, it seems the oodles and oodles of cash accrued (and then pledged to the church?) by Scientologist mega-couple Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes has nonetheless failed to "buy" them an innovative approach to dull seasonal mass-mailings. Case in point: This blah, unimaginative holiday card (obtained by Us!)

Where are the awkwardly staged Sears family portraits? The pictures of a rosy-cheeked Suri Cruise sitting atop Santa's knee? The adorable candids of mother and daughter frolicking in the snow (okay, fine, polluted Los Angeles beach) flashing matching smiles and and identical haircuts? The biological father grinning proudly, eyes wide with wonderment at the miracle of creation modern technology, arms wrapped firmly/protectively around his pretend-wife's waist?

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• Think Katie Holmes' new bob haircut is iconic? Just wait till you see how amazingly epic it looks on her helpless daughter, Suri!

• In an effort to clear up any last, lingering doubts as to her mental instability, Britney Spears has allegedly threatened to irreparably tarnish Paris Hilton's reputation by releasing some steamy, X-rated footage.

• Meanwhile, Dave Chappelle proves he's not crazy by performing stand-up. For more than six hours straight.

• We can think of $27 million reasons why LeBron James is better than you, none of which even remotely involve his vertical leap.

• Cindy Crawford ages gracefully, dares to expose physical imperfections.

• This Santa may only be appropriate for naughty/nice adults over the age of 18.

[Image via Wenn]