What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas — even at the expense of children's birthdays, if you're Kevin Federline. The father of the year was in town for the Friday preview party for a new nightclub and had so much fun that he decided to stay for the weekend. One small problem: His sons, Sean Preston and Jayden James, were celebrating their birthdays back in LA:
Do you, like us, ever wonder what it feels like to be cast as "Fat Girl #3" or "Pimply Loser #1" in those stupid teen movies? It can't be good for the soul, right? We guess it's a good thing, then, that ex-American Idol Sanjaya Malakar, who was just tapped to be the next star of Nationwide Insurance's humiliating "Life Sucks for Me" ad campaign, relinquished his soul, charisma and manhood a long, long time ago to Fox.
Like MC Hammer's and Kevin Federline's before his, Malakar's Nationwide commercial makes light of the fact that almost literally overnight he went from celebrity to That One Guy Who Was on That Show Once. Unlike Nationwide's past efforts, this time the company takes full advantage of their star's ethnicity. Intent on capturing the attention of the large uninsured South Asian market, Malakar's commercial finds him telling his troubles to an overweight guru named Guruji. Targeted!
What a good sport Sanjaya is. Especially considering the fact that he's about to super famous again: "'…if you’re going to continue being an entertainer, be in the media, you have to have some humor about yourself,' said Mr. Malakar, who said that in addition to working on an album he was pursuing deals for a book, a reality TV show and a video game." Hey, Sanjaya, stock up some of that insurance while you get a chance, bud. Not that this Sanjaya Malakar video game isn't going to be a huge hit, but we're just sayin'.
Uh oh! Just one day after we were called “assy” for daring to suggest that Britney Spears should focus her energy on things other than making a new pop album, the perennially hysterical singer has lost a long-standing custody dispute with her ex-husband, self-styled pimp Kevin Federline (of the Fresno Federlines).
What's $150,000 get a TV channel? Access to Kevin Federline, but with strings attached.
According to an email Radar obtained between Federline wranglers DMand Entertainment and his attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan, Kevin's camp is willing to pimp him out to the highest bidder. (Not the shocking part.) But for such a "low" fee, the deal would entail a sit down with Kevin that only discussed his singing and acting "career," and not any discussion about a one Ms. Britney Spears.
The television channel in question isn't named, and it's probably for the best. Let's not find out, and have to feel embarrassed for, whichever executive producer OKs a fee of that size for an interview of such little import.
But in case you do want to guess, a bit of the redacted email is after the jump. Do your best at making out the characters. CONTINUED »
BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE “A court commissioner decided Monday to keep in effect an order suspending Britney Spears' right to visit her two sons and keeping them in the custody of ex-husband Kevin Federline.” [AP]
[Details magazine] has set the bar very, very low! They obviously did no research into the character of this guy. Or have very, very low standards as to what a great father is….A guy who abandoned his first family (and children), so he could go off and party and live it up with his new girlfriend, is NOT a good father…A guy who left is wife at home, alone, with newborns, so he could go drink…at the club with his friends is NOT a good father…A guy who still has a nanny looking after his children although he does not have job, is NOT a good father. A guy who [would] rather waste time posing for a lame magazine, instead of getting a job…and showing (ALL his children), BY ACTION, that it is important to work for what you want, is NOT a good father.
–An irate commenter (pseudonym "Anonymous") on the Us Weekly website, reacting to the latest Details cover.
Details will be extra fragrant this month, perhaps to cover up for the bullshit on its cover. Kevin Federline is one of Details most 50 influential men. To be fair, Federline has inspired gold-diggers everywhere. CONTINUED »
• A new rumor has it that Kevin Federline married Brit solely for her money, pushed her into divorcing him then tried to win custody of the kiddies to increase the amount of his monthly alimony checks. Well, obvs.
• Meanwhile, word has it Britney's been taking a dangerous combination of OTC stimulants. Unlike Jesse Spanow, however, she hasn't been taking them so she can pass her geometry midterm.
• Someone forgets to tell Rihanna's makeup artist, stylist that Halloween is over.
• "Wait until they get a load at my strategically placed necklace," giggled Jessica Simpson. "Assuming everything goes according to plan, no one will even ask me about that crappy new clothing line I only pretended to design."
• Actor Shia LaBeouf was busted in Chicago last weekend for getting drunk and refusing to leave a Walgreen's. Even more surprising? TMZ totally got scooped on the mugshot.
• Kevin Federline's lawyer says Brit will regain visitation rights soon. He then quickly undermined his point by murmuring under his breath, "Assuming she doesn't blow it. Again."
• And speaking of the latter, Britney accidentally-on-purpose runs over a TMZ photographer's foot.
• "Trek" film casts its Kirk and McCoy; nobody cares except for your nerdy neighborhood IT guy.
• Hillary Clinton's ahead in the polls? Who could have predicted that? Besides, well, everybody?
• Actor Jean-Claude Van Damme is 47, contrary to popular belief that he's actually dead.
• A currently jobless Joe Torre politely rejects George Steinbrenner's enticing offer of a paycut.
In a pathetic attempt to stay relevant, PETA has written an open letter to Kevin Federline asking him to take of Britney Spears’s dogs.
For the sake of your children and the animals who are at risk while in Ms. Spear’s custody, we hope that you will do the right and best thing for all involved and purse a custody order for the animal so that your sons can continue to have the company of the animals they’ve grown to adore.
Did PETA miss the news that Federline’s children broke the leg of one of the animals they so adore? Besides, it would be cruel to take away Britney’s only source of unconditional love right now.
It's official. Britney Spears has finally lost custody of her two children, Sean Preston and Jayden James, who have been ordered to stay with their father "until further order of the court."
According to E! Online:
Federline is seeking primary physical custody of the youngsters over concern for his boys' well-being, claiming the youngsters are in a less than safe environment while under their mother's watch.
Friends of Spears are already characterizing Britney's recent slew of erratic and self-destructive behavior as "tragic." Meanwhile, legal experts prefer to look at it as the makings of "the easiest case of all time."
In a closed hearing on Monday, Los Angeles judge Scott M. Gordon set a lengthy list of rules that parents Britney Spears and Kevin Federline must follow in order to retain custody of their sons, Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1.
Below is a list of the court's shared requirements (as summarized by Us Weekly) as well as our own unique brand of empathetic commentary.
Rule #1: "Neither Brit nor K-fed can take Sean and Jayden out of state without the written consent of the other."
Translation: "Next time you're going on a four-day Vegas bender, leave the kiddies at home."
Rule #2: "The exes cannot make derogatory statements about each other."
Translation: "Kevin Federline is no longer allowed to refer to Brit or the kids as 'Daddy's paycheck.'"
• We can't tell if Lindsay Lohan is paying tribute to O.J. Simpson or merely foreshadowing the remainder of her twenties.
• Meanwhile, can someone please explain to us how a guy best-known for his role as "Pacey" on Dawson's Creek that kid with the hot mom in The Mighty Ducks managed to shack up with Troy hottie Diane Kruger?
• Equally puzzling: Why Jessica Simpson continues to dress like her character in cinematic abortion Dukes of Hazzard.
According to Entertainment Tonight, both the "FBI and LAPD are investigating legitimate leads on a contract hit on Kevin Federline's life."
Multiple sources tell ET that the FBI made attempts to contact Federline to inform him of the potential danger.
Sources within the FBI tell ET that this is the bureau's standard operating procedure when someone's life is threatened.
Wait a sec, someone took out "a contract hit on K-Fed's life?" We're shocked, appalled and left with only two words:
• The sky is falling! No, wait, that's just Teri Hatcher's face.
• We don't have to travel back in time to remind ourselves that Kevin Federline is a weasel.
• Is it wrong that we like Ryan Reynolds even more now that we now he has zero plans to adopt an African orphan anytime in the near future?
• Maria Sharapova may have lost only 2 games so far in 4 straight sets of tennis, but Anna Kournikova's still the only one who can carry off a potato sack.
• Britney Spears to disappear. Sheesh, it's about frickin' time!
• For the last time, Sienna Miller and Rhys Ifans are not dating, okay? They're just getting ridiculously drunk and then fucking afterwards.
• Producers are still looking for the next Biggie Smalls. And apparently, it's not this guy.
• Naomi Campbell gets naked for the sake of art. Assuming "art" is broadly defined as "lying on a bed of rotten fruit."
• Miss South Carolina goes on the Today show to explain how she entered a pageant comprised of large-chested blond girls and left with the undisputed title as "the dumb one." (Highlight: After Ann Curry lobs a couple of softballs, Matt Lauer interjects with, "At what point, Caitlyn, during the answer did you start to think to yourself, 'is this making any sense?' Oh, snap!)
• Rumors of Owen Wilson's possible suicide attempt are still…unconfirmed.
• Meanwhile, in the wake of Wilson's hospitalization, paparazzi fall all over themselves to get these exclusive shots of his ex, Kate Hudson, crying internally while holding a Starbucks coffee cup.
• The top-secret child abuse allegations against Britney Spears mysteriously end up in documents filed b K-Fed's lawyers just 24 hours later. Bizarre!
The sporadically unemployable "actor" Kevin Federline (finally) books himself a job!
Britney's soon-to-be ex-hubby has won a plum guest-starring role on long-running WB series One Tree Hill, where he will, presumably, play an out-of-work rapper/divorcee who wakes up one day after a three-year bender and realizes that he's got two kids, a closet full of wifebeaters and an ex who smells like fried chicken.
Ladies…start your TiVos.
[TMZ]
TMZ is reporting that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have finally resolved their boring melodrama of a divorce settlement. Except actually, nothing's really been resolved (except the amount of K-Fed's palimony checks) since Brit can—and will—appeal to the courts seeking full custody of the kiddies.
K-Fed is pulling in 15K a month from Britney for child support. He's also getting 20 grand a month in spousal support, but that's based on the prenup, and it appears the alimony gravy train will come to a screeching halt in November.
As for custody, we've learned it will stay at 50/50. It's amazing disso-queen Wasser was able to get a 50/50 custody split given Brit's craziness, which included wild partying, erratic behavior and a stint in rehab. This type of custody arrangement is typically reserved for a stable couple.
Congratulations, K-Fed. Guess The Simpsons Movie isn't the only thing raking in the dough (or should we say "d'oh?")* this week! Now, all that's left to do is sign above the dotted line (next to the greasy fried chicken stain) thereby relinquishing your rights to full custody, bestowing equal decision-making power on a follically-impaired rehab veteran and ensuring they make an E! True Hollywood story about your fucked-up kids by the year 2010.
* No, no we shouldn't.
Editorial Director
