Michael Jackson is 50 today! It's weird because you usually don't stop to think about how old the King of Pop is, but as it turns out the dude's ancient. Must be hard to tell under that mask face he has on.
In celebration of this glorious event, Good Morning America's Chris Connelly interviewed MJ (over the phone of course) about growing old. It's kind of a sad interview, doubly so since Connelly seems completely baffled by how weird Jackson is. You would think GMA would have the sense to know that wasn't going to be the greatest celebrity profile of all time, seeing as Michael Jackson is a nut-job and notoriously cagey around the press.
But just in case the report hadn't dampened your Labor Day enthusiasm already and instilled in you a fear of death and aging, there are is the strange melancholy of Jackson's voice itself, which Chris likens to "an old radio station that fades in and out when you're driving somewhere." Everyone loves it when it's John Updike Day at ABC.
Mark Ronson, retelling an innocent childhood anecdote on Britain's The Sunday Night Project:
It's a weird story, but I didn't touch him. We (Ronson and Lennon) used to watch the porn channel because we were, like, 10 and, 'Oh my God, [boobs]!' So Michael was in bed. And me and Sean said, 'Michael, do you want to see something cool?' We turned the dial to the porn channel and there were strippers shaking their [boobs] around. We were like, 'Michael, Michael, how cool is this?' We turned around and he was cringing, saying, 'Ooh, stop it, stop it, ooh, it's so silly.' We were like, 'Michael, you have to look, maybe you're not seeing it right, it's naked girls!' He was not down with the program whatsoever! I think he had really strong feminist views on porn. [Popwrap]
The good news? The flick was of the adult — as in, not child – variety.
Michael Jackson, 49, … is working on a new clothing line with Ed Hardy designer Christian Audigier. ‘It’s still in the developing stages, but it’s going to be big,’ an insider tells Life & Style. ‘This will be a major comeback for Michael.’”
The above is a lie, and it’s one we’ve heard before. By our calculations, ever since the release of his last reasonably solid record, 1991’s Dangerous, which moved over 14 million copies, Michael Jackson has been on the verge of a comeback 237,000 times; each one ushered in with all the theatrics of “Thriller” before sputtering out as quietly and wimpily as “The Girl Is Mine.”
Whew. FoxNews.com gossip Roger Friedman returns from Mariah Carey album reviews to his area of expertise: Michael Jackson. The pop star, now wallowing in expired fame as Janet Jackson's older brother, paid $3 million to his Neverland Ranch creditors as a way of buying himself another 60 days from their auctioning off his old circus pad. He's already eaten halfway into his extension and a white knight, much like his children's faces, doesn't appear to be showing himself anytime soon. [Fox 411]
As if Michael Jackson, the person, didn't do enough to destroy the legacy of Thriller, Michael Jackson, the artist, is doing his part. "For All Time," a track that was wisely kept off Thriller 25 years ago, is going to be added for the anniversary edition.
We didn't go to business school or anything, but adding tracks no one would download illegally is a lousy strategy to increase record sales.
Jermaine Jackson has confirmed that there will be a Jackson 5 reunion tour. He claims it will include Michael, the only Jackson who counts when it comes to a Jackson 5 reunion. Michael has yet to give a firm yes, but considering his financial situation, he might be persuaded to join.
There’s nothing like a reunion tour of a teenie-bopper act to make you appreciate that you didn’t peak in high school.
• Lifelong bachelor George Clooney neatly curtails rumors that he's a closeted homosexual by getting into a bitchy catfight with Fabio.
• There's no afternoon pick-me-up quite like a NSFW gallery of the best celebrity wardrobe malfunctions.
• Katie Holmes wardrobe choices continue to shock and amaze. (Marathon? No bra necessary. Clingy velvety get-up? Mandatory.)
• Note to Elisha Cuthbert: You're going to need to invest in a slutty new wardrobe if you want to keep hanging with Paris.
• Michael Jackson's precious Neverland ranch is in foreclosure! Buyers beware, however: The place still has the unmistakable stench of zoo animals and pedophilia.
• Stephen Colbert on his short-lived presidential campaign: "I am shocked and saddened by the South Carolina Democratic Executive Council's 13-to-3 vote to keep me off their presidential primary ballot. Although I lost by the slimmest margin in presidential election history — only ten votes — I have chosen not to put the country through another agonizing Supreme Court battle. It is time for this nation to heal."
• Bonnie Fuller pulls a Naomi Campbell, takes a non-political "business" trip to the United Arab Emigrates.
• Jamie Lee Curtis pulls a Brian Williams' daughter Tina Fey, blogs in support of the Writer's Guild.
• The only thing black on this Ebony cover is Michael Jackson's hair, and we hear that was a wig.
From Page Six: "Michael Jackson paid a recent undercover visit to Brooklyn, where he [went] on and on about kids … saying how much he loved them.”
Yeah, we can't even begin to tell you what's wrong with that sentence. [Stereohyped]
• Michael Jackson looking almost…presentable.
• Rumor has it there were massive layoffs at Seventeen magazine's production department. Unfortunately, staffers were too busy discussing last night's Gossip Girl to confirm/deny.
• Tired of living in a bubble where Out, The Advocate and HX don't exist, Neal Boulton takes it upon himself to create the first-ever magazine written exclusively for gays.
• It's all relative, but at least magazines are doing all right. Well, sort of.
• Fact: More than three times as many black people live in jail than in college dorms. Also a fact: the aforementioned "fact" doesn't take into account college students who live off campus. Or commute to school. Or, well, anything.
• Vanessa Hudgens makes her first post-scandal appearance; everyone tries their best not to blatantly stare at her crotch.
• You've tried the search, now try the smell. Introducing Google: For men.
We can't decide what's more surprising. The fact that it takes upwards of three hours in the stylists chair to properly "coif" Michael Jackson's wig, or the fact that Jackson's rumored to be shooting a cover spread Italian Vogue. Either way, we're pretty much wigged out. [Stereohyped]
• Why it really, really sucks to have a baby in early July.
• Lance Bass, doing what he does best: sucking.
• From Stereohyped: "Neverland has 3,000 acres - [Michael Jackson] likes privacy. You can’t find as many properties like that on the West Coast.” Which is weird, actually, cause we thought there were a ton of crazy effeminate millionaires who owned village-sized estates complete with giant roller coasters.
• Robbie Williams takes a break from inhaling java to leak an excerpt of a new crazy religious track.
• Janet Jackson loses her battle with losing weight.
• Hugh Grant personally subsidized Divine Brown's children's college education.
• Pete Wentz celebrated his 28th birthday by having gross bar bathroom sex with Ashlee Simpson. Cheers!
• After Paris Hilton's grueling 5-minute incarceration, Nicole Richie starts preparing for her mugshot.
• Which daytime goddess is a fatty in denial?
• Jay McInerney broke his foot running to hail a cab outside the Waverly Inn. Which is so much cooler than having your foot run over by a produce truck…Jill Abramson!
• Ever wanted to see shitty video footage of Justin Timberlake dissing Britney Spears live in concert? Now's your chance!
• Teen hip-hop artist Chris Brown has expressed his desire to collaborate with Michael Jackson. For his part, Jackson says he has never had any objection to working long hours in tight quarters with pubescent boys.
• On CNN: "Co-Ed Strips for her honors thesis, gets a B." Sounds like someone's an A-cup!
• A 25 year old prince spends $10 million for one night with Michael Jackson; no one ponies up to buy the movie rights.
• Congratulations, Dick Cheney is officially a grandfather! Now, let's never speak of his lesbian daughter again.
• Kirsten Dunst pays a visit to her local speech therapist. Or general practitioner. Or doctor at the center for eating disorders. You decide.
• ABC offers more proof that its Geico cavemen series is slated for extinction.
• Tinsley Mortimer attempts to prove she's almost-famous by manipulating her way into the realm of disposable celeb weeklies.
• According to Sister 2 Sister magazine (our fave!) Michael Jackson is the best father Blanket ever had.
• Arnold Schwarzenegger asserts his manhood by ousting maternity maven, Liz Lange, then taunting her by chewing with his mouth open.
• "The Year of Magical Thinking" gets a rave from the NYT! Oh, and by "the NYT," we actually mean anonymous online messageboard poster "Daniel7353."
• Jon Stewart commends Nancy Grace for her fair and unbiased coverage of the Duke Lacrosse players.
• Matthew McConaughey roughs it by living in a trailer valued higher than your rich neighbor's trust fund.
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