Who says Barack Obama appeals only to the educational elites? Over $40,000 in contributions have been made to the Democratic campaign that smell a little bit fishy: maybe because the Facebook generation couldn't be bothered to try to hide their smart-ass idealism:

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Heyo! Did you know over in Israel they created a beautifier machine that can take any picture of you and analyze your facial structure and then improve upon it as dictated by social norms of physical attributes?

And did you know that James Franco's face, when run through this program, does not reveal any differences whatsoever, meaning that the Pineapple Express actor is basically the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. It's true! Pretty sure that it's in the bible somewhere that Jesus had a perfect jawline and eyes that were symmetrically far apart.

To be fair, the program's purpose was only to subtly change the composite of facial features, to show society that it doesn't always take extreme plastic surgery to improve your looks.

But guess which actor was actually made less attractive after being run through the beautification process?

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Hey, remember when there was that rash of people climbing up the New York Times building because they could? Or maybe they did it for some causes, who remembers stuff like that? Anyway, the three gentlemen, who separately scaled the building at 620 Eighth Avenue, have all gone through the proper court process. Alain Roberts (left) was not indicted for his June 5th climb, because he was a "professional climber" and beloved by the world over. His punishment was a disorderly conduct slap on the wrist, which is "a violation akin to a parking ticket." Dude is like a French David Blaine, you're not going to punish David Blaine (we should always punish David Blaine.)

However, Renaldo Clarke (right), who climbed the building on the exact same day for malaria awareness, was indicted by a jury of his peers. And The Times is going to put their pictures right next to each other to subtly imply..hmm…maybe it's because of the way these guys looked that allowed Roberts to get off while Clarke will almost certainly face harsher penalties, including possible jail time?

So without even asking the question, but sort of asking the question the NYT wants to know: is race dead when it comes to illegal acts that could be construed as terrorism?

Except, this argument is moot if you take the third climber into account:

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Two famous curmudgeonly felt-men took over the New York Times Op-Ed section today, delighting children everywhere with their rapier wit and cranky disposition. Unfortunately, Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews say they have no intention on making this a standing gig.

This post has been brought to you by the letter "Z" for Zing!

New York Times financial boywonder Andrew Ross Sorkin is among the first to nail down a book deal to turn this economic collapse into something we can understand without the Wall Street Journal's blaring headlines. More are on the way. Likely, Sorkin's book will have no pictures, illustrations, or even over-sized pullquotes, which might distract readers from the seriousness of the issue, and keep us from buying a copy.

The Times is calling itself out: The paper heavily favors democratic nominee Barack O-B-A-M-A as an answer for their famous crossword puzzles. While Obama's been listed as a clue eight times, with such hints as "“Presidential candidate born in Hawaii," McCain's surname never made it onto the Will Shortz's edited game.

Of course, the Times's got a handy excuse for their liberal bias:

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Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Besides implements of war, war itself and low-skill jobs, the United States, famous for saving everyone's ass and then forcing them to adopt the worst parts of American culture, is now exporting yet another wondrous thing it seems to have perfected: obesity and all the ills accompanying it.

The New York Times today takes an in-depth look at the fattest nation in Europe, the newly gluttonous Greece, where more than three quarters of the adult population is now either overweight or obese. Another study showed that the number of overweight Greek 12-year-olds has increased 212 percent since 1982. And the rest of Europe hasn't fared much better. In Italy and Spain, more than 50 percent of the adults are overweight. In France it's 45 percent.

Why is Europe growing so? It's all about the food. It's the burgers and the sweets and the red meat and the Coca Cola, all of which have become huge sellers in Greece, whose Mediterranean cuisine used to be considered one of the healthiest in Europe. These days, Greek children love shit:

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The New York Times supports Barack Obama. The NY Post supports McCain. That these nationally recognized papers are invested in national politics is crucial to any election, since this is where a majority of Americans get their news (besides The Daily Show, natch) so the bias of the paper can (theoretically) sway a large constituency. Or so the thinking goes.

Not so much for the Huntsville Times, located in Alabama, which therefore elected not to support either candidate in 2008 because no one cares about them, anyway.

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America is a nation of obese whiners, that much is obvious. But perhaps nothing is more sad and futile than the typical overweight office drone who hits upon some new miracle cure by trying to circumvent the traditional "eat healthy and exercise" routine that somehow escapes our cultural understanding.

Not to point fingers, as the sedentary lifestyle affects bloggers as much if not more than desk jockeys (office workers can't get away with getting paid without ever getting out of bed in the morning), but something has to change when your previously whiskey-lean journalists start carrying around an extra keg.

But the idea that attaching a hospital tray table for your laptop onto your NordicTrack (assuming you still have a NordicTrack), or even more ridiculously, an office desk treadmill just reeks of those extreme lengths Americans will go through to avoid, say, actual exercise.

From all reports, bug-eyed Rachel Zoe is not having a good month. Sure, her show just premiered on Bravo, wherein she and her team of "professional stylists" outfit young, rich girls to look like they consist off of Starbucks and cocaine — and she says "bananas" a lot.

But Fashion Week saw some nasty paparazzi astutely/hypocritically heckling the size -4 celbritard for giving young girls body image issues, while Ginia Bellafante used her Times column to call Zoe a "pox on humanity— exploiting an aesthetic of dissipation, invading our collective consciousness and spraying it with dummy dust."

Regardless of your personal feelings towards a woman who recently declared that "she doesn't understand saving for a rainy day," you can't help sympathizing with her current vulnerable position. Which is actually just what that manipulative blond wants:

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Well isn't Arthur Sulzberger just dear. After the world's second wealthiest man — Mexican billionaire, and Friend of Bill, Carlos Slim — snapped up a 6.4 percent "passive" take in the New York Times Co., becoming the company's third-largest non-Ochs-Sulzberger shareholder, the Times chief said in his annual State Of The Times speech that he was essentially delighted to have Slim on board, that he was "aware" Slim was buying up such a large stake, and that it was a "good thing" to have him on board (those are a source's words, not Sulzberger's). Indeed it is! Because Slim just bought himself a 6.4 percent stake in shaping the coverage of his telecommunications, oil, retail, tobacco, mining, and banking and insurance businesses. Oh happy day.

McClatchy’s chief executive, Gary Pruitt, said his resignation as a co-trustee of trusts held by the U.S. newspaper publisher’s controlling family should not be read as a prelude to the company going private or changing its capital structure, despite speculation to the contrary.
"This was my independent decision and it should not be read as a precursor to any move by the company or McClatchy family, including taking the company private or altering its capital structure,” Mr. Pruitt said. “Any statements or speculation to the contrary are incorrect.”
[NYT]

To which we respectfully riposte with an "O RLY?"

Normally it's the Europeans who take to the United States on currency fueled shopping sprees, swooping into Tiffany & Co.'s Fifth Avenue store and fleecing the first floor's precious stones while letting the American commoners take the elevator to the sterling silver floor, where nothing is shiny nor impressively expensive. Now, a twist: It's the Mexicans who see the "Sale: Today Thru the Foreseeable Future" sign hanging on the United States. Mexican billionaire and telecom magnate Carlos Slim — otherwise known as the world's second richest person, and decent philanthropist — snapped up a 6.4 percent stake in the New York Times, that struggling newspaper company, making him the third-largest shareholder. Though it certainly follows Slim's investment strategy: Buy low, sell whenever the mood strikes. When Phillip Morris' stock hit a four-year low, he bought $90 million worth. And just this year alone, the NYT Co.'s stock has slid 20 percent, as vultures hover over the Sulzberger family hoping to finally wrest it out of their control. Not that taking over the joint is Slim's M.O.; his filings insist his purchase is a "passive" investment, which means he's just waiting around until Bloomberg or Murdoch buy the thing outright.

Because causing United Airlines stocks to plummet below two cents isn't enough damage done in a day for Google, the search engine has announced plans to begin archiving 244 years worth of newsworthy articles online.

Hilarity ensues when news of a bombing at Pearl Harbor get picked up in The New York Times and jump-starts World War III.

It's mentally fatigued to work for the New York Times, because everyone is always on your case about political biases and blatant nepotism. And it's hard for a reader to tell them to "suck less" because hey, they are still the standard for journalism in the city, if not the country.

Alas, the NYT is in a financial tailspin just like every other publication, so it's with a heavy heart that executive editor and Adam West lookalike Bill Keller dashed off a memo to his staff about the "consolidation" of the Metro and Sports section. At least he tried to rally his employees to look on the bright side:

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