Staffers at Parents magazine love their celebrity gossip as much as the rest of this TMZ-revering nation, so they were fawning over People’s $6 million Jennifer Lopez baby photos this week, too. Except they spotted something awry with the new mom’s six-figure nursery.

Basically, it’s a baby death trap!

The Meredith Corp.-owned magazine was only too pleased to call out Time Inc.’s tabloid’s nursery pictorial, which includes crib “suffocation hazards” called pillows, stuffed animals, and blankets. The “dramatic draped canopies hanging over the cribs” are cause for “strangulation.” And the “cute bows tied onto the crib slats” are “choking hazards as soon as the babies are big enough to get their hands on them.” And there’s an open window sans window guard. CAN YOU BELIEVE?!