“Hello- I work at the HOT TOPIC where this piece of shit appearted on friday ( I was not working that day but showed up for shit n giggles ) ONLY 7 people showed up.SEVEN.That’s it.Mario was BEYOND upset texting and DEMENDING the right water,food,ETC he was a rude royal pain in the ass and BEYOND crass.Talking about scat porn,fisting some kid and otherbest left unsaid topics.My manager was trying to get people to come in to meet Perez by handing out $5 gift cards NO ONE WANTED TO MEET HIM! His mother and sister were there and he seemed to take it out on them (they are both fat BTW and smelled nasty!) anyways he left around 8:45PM without saying goodbye to anyone & looked like he had been crying like the little bitch he is. We sold a grand total of $6.45 of Perez Hilton items between 6PM - 9PM. My manager has already talked about discounting his ‘line’ !”
If a stunted, cruel human being attaches his name to a hastily designed line of clothes, will anybody care? No, they won’t! Not at all, in fact, as a report from the Saturday debut of Perez Hilton’s clothing line indicates:
CALLING THE KETTLE HOT PINK Perez Hilton, who has undoubtedly hurt, damaged, and rendered beyond repair the reputations of many a Hollywood figure, is now suing blogger and amateur sex tape star Jonathan Jaxson for allegedly slandering him all in an effort to promote his own website, which Hilton claims caused him “loss of his reputation, shame and mortification” and “mental anguish.” [TSG]
Our gay brother Queerty didn’t get any video, but they’ve obtained plenty of Perez Hilton and Jonathan Jaxson’s naughty transcript. Plus a bit of NSFW pictorial action. Enjoy!
Here’s a lecture series we’re sad to be missing. Loyola Law School Entertainment & Sports Law Society is hosting a symposium titled “”The Paparazzi, Celebrity Bloggers…and the Lawyers Who Represent Them.” On the panel: Warner Bros. Entertainment SVP and general counsel Jeremy Williams (read: TMZ’s attorney), Perez Hilton legal counsel Michael Amir, and John Tehranian (the fellow pictured here), a Loyola visiting professor and the attorney to Perez foe X17 (who we’ve had our own share of dealings with).
Now go get schooled by a group of men who will all cite case law to tell you why they’re important.
First, stop addressing your audience as “blog buddies.” Second, stop making sex tapes of yourself. Third, oh heavyweight blogger hopeful Jonathan Jackson of JJ’s Dirt, do not send said sex tapes to Perez Hilton, even if he promises you the world. Under the guise of helping Jackson, whose name is supposedly not of the porn star variety, make his blog bigger, Perez encouraged the former publicist to send in some X-rated action. In exchange, new music labeler Perez was to do a phone interview with Jackson (pretending they had never spoken before!) and counsel him on increasing traffic. Neither promises were ever made good, which meant Jackson had one last resort to generate some press from his lurid videos: Talk to Page Six. The column obtained instant messenger logs between the two from last year, which, best for your souls and ours, don’t appear to be filled with hot sex type. In any event, Perez is totally no longer on JJ’s blogroll. Take that.
Cindy Adams reported on Tuesday that Nicole Kidman, inseminated with Keith Urban’s baby juice, ordered a white wine backstage at the Oscars. Cindy’s five-sentence item (where one of the sentences was simply “Oscars.”) was met with furor from Kidman’s rep Catherine Olim at powerhouse firm PMK/HBH, who issued a denial to, where else, Perez Hilton, even though “unlike most of the rest of the world” she “[tries] to ignore [Perez]” “because it is so nasty”: “But I have to tell you that Nicole Kidman most certainly did NOT drink white wine or any other alcoholic beverage backstage. She had water and lemon zinger tea. That’s it. I know, I was there with her I cannot remember that last time that Cindy Adams got anything right. She’s an idiot, and you can quote me.” Quoted and noted!
Good news struggling bands: Warner Brothers is going to give Perez Hilton his own imprint. The guy who declared Fidel Catro dead and supports Heidi Montag’s delusions of musical grandeur can help you make it big.
Why are they giving him this deal? Because musicians like Eric Hutchinson have done well after Perez’s endorsement. And that’s the music business model: Idiots telling other idiots what to buy.
• We asked a lesbian alien, and seeing Christina Ricci and Reese Witherspoon together really is her fantasy.
• Jessica Alba may be having twins! Sorry, we don’t just hand out double exclamation points.
• We give up on trying to understand the image Perez Hilton is going for.
• Too bad Zac Efron’s handlers can’t use his sexuality to deny the rumors of a sex tape with him and “GF” Vanessa Hudgens.
• Dennis Quaid has aged remarkably well, but we still doubt he’s rocking his natural hair color.
• Celebrities have butts: An investigation.
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In late July 2006, Mr. Castro, who is 81, handed over power temporarily to his brother, Raúl Castro, 76. …
Now, just days before the national assembly is to meet to select a new head of state, Mr. Castro resigned permanently in a letter to the nation. …
“I will not aspire to neither will I accept — I repeat I will not aspire to neither will I accept — the position of President of the Council of State and Commander in chief,” he wrote.
He added: “It would betray my conscience to occupy a responsibility that requires mobility and the total commitment that I am not in the physical condition to offer.”
James C. McKinley, Jr., “Fidel Castro Resigns as Cuba’s President,” New York Times
HEADLINE OF THE WEAK After suing Perez Hilton for defamation – for relaying a report that she planted cocaine in Lindsay Lohan’s car – Samantha Ronson is the one with the red face. (Not, however, the red hair.) A judge not only threw out the suit, but ordered the DJ to pay the blogger’s $85,000 in legal fees. And he’s entitled to another $2k “if he wants it.”
Our daily attempt to help you seem smart, even if you’re not.
neoteric \nee-uh-TAIR-ik\ adjective: recent in origin : modern
Last night, we had a dream that Spencer and Heidi from The Hills broke up, which was our subconscious telling us that this neoteric trend of reality stardom has gone too far.
[Photos]
Although we can’t always shake the nasty habit of writing in the royal we, occasionally one of our editors decides to shake off the cloak of anonymity to write a short, pithy statement long, rambling diatribe about a topic of their choice. Today, Debbie Newman is that editor.
With Halloween just around the corner, it’s time to start thinking about last-minute costume ideas. And this year, instead of frantically hunting through the on-sale rack at Ricky’s for that elusive half-priced garment that says “Slutty, yet sophisticated,” why not be creative? There are plenty of do-it-yourself costumes* that require minimal effort on your part and are guaranteed to please potentially capable of suiting your needs.
Moderately intrigued? Read on, anyway! After the jump, a complete rundown of the scariest media personalities around with useful tips on how to capture their “essence” without breaking the bank or sacrificing your unique rebelliousness.
“Is your child slightly chubby and sexually ambiguous?” asks Mollygood. “Then Elle Girl has a wonderful idea for a Halloween costume!”
How? It’s easy!
Simply buy the kid a garish blue wig, a Tealuxe coffee cup and a pair of too-tight pants, a giant felt-tipped marker for making astute social commentary, give him a brief tutorial in copyright law and how not to abide by it, and then mock said child relentlessly until he/she overcompensates (for the years of fat jokes and social pariahdom) by slinging unfiltered verbal abuse at celebrities, in effect rejecting them before they can—and inevitably will—reject him first.
Oh, and parents—don’t forget the trick-or-treat bucket that’s shaped like a laptop! (Portable soul extraction kit sold separately). [ElleGirl]
Breaking: Fatty gossip blogger sued by struggling music label for posting leaked audio from pop star has-been…all as part of giant publicity stunt and transparent attempt at boosting record sales. [Yahoo]
Did you hear? Perez Hilton posted a picture of himself sporting a black eye for no reason whatsoever! Naturally, the unexplained shiner resulted in a PH commenting frenzy! Below follows a collection of the most entertaining responses. NOTE: We’re especially fond of the last commenter.
• Some variation of “OMG, what happened to your face?” — (Commenters 1-78)
• “Holy shit someone gave you what you deserved then?” –buffles (#78)
• “That black eye is the best thing that ever happened to you. It takes attention away from your face and body…” –hooray (#164)
• “BTW, the black eye works well on you - it distracts from your multiple chins.” — IWishId’aHitHim (#177)
And that’s not all.
If it seems as though practically everyone has their own reality show these days, it’s probably because they do. Nowadays, reality show contestants are from all walks of life, from the snotty over-privileged walking rhinoplasties on The Hills, to the bisexual MySpace phenomenon Tila Tequila to the morbidly obese Queen of Mean (and Whiz Of Microsoft Paint!) Perez Hilton, seemingly interconnected only by means of their below-average intelligence quotient and above-average interest in becoming reality trainwrecks.
Which is why we’re annoyed, but not exactly surprised, to hear that Chris Crocker (a.k.a. the screaming, crying, guyliner-wearing, self-appointed defender of Britney) has already inked a development deal with 44 Blue Prods.
“Chris first got on our radar a year ago,” said 44 Blue prexy/co-founder Rasha Drachkovitch, who said he wants to develop a show that plays to Crocker’s strengths.
And by “strengths” Drachkovitch presumably means “spontaneously weeping, stunted emotional development and overabundance of mascara.”
I was one of the first to use the blog format to discuss celebrity news. Later, all these celebrity blogs started popping up, so I said to myself, ‘I have to put my own stamp on this…I want to be the gay, Latino Oprah and live up to my nickname, Queen of All Media. But in order to that, I’ve had to be proactive.
Do I feel sorry when paparazzi are taking pictures of her [Britney Spears] with no panties on, exposing her cucaracha, though? No way! Wear underwear, I’ve never regretted a posting and I don’t have trouble sleeping at night.
–Perez Hilton (real name, Mario Lavandeira) innovator and coiner of the term “shiteous” opens up in the September issue of Latina magazine
• At least Matt Damon won’t forget where he lives.
• If Perez Hilton and Roseanne got into a fight, we put our money on Roseanne. You know, because she has a shotgun.
• This Texas man is redefining the phrase “cheap-ass motherfucker.”
• Looks like cancer and a fever won’t stop Pavarotti from blessing us with his beautiful voice.
• The reason you gained 40 lbs this year has nothing to do with your nasty Chipotle habit. Its that pesky “fat hormone.” And your fat friend’s fault.
• Pete Wentz and his unknown guest graciously smile for the cameras.
• Meanwhile, for once we actually agree with Perez. The most poignant way to describe Avril Lavigne is, in fact, by scrawling “SUX” over her face with a giant white sharpie.
• Never underestimate the brazen self-confidence of an overweight, SCRAM-wearing SNL alumnus.
• A movie adaptation of annoying late-90’s catch-phrase “He’s just not that into you?” We’re just not that into it.
• Tyra Banks donates $2300 to someone other than Tyra Banks. Now that’s fierce.
• Kate Walsh buys $4.5 million mansion for herself and her fiancé (and boyfriend of three months) which will be worth approximately $2.75 million after the inevitable quickie-divorce settlement.
• A furtive Ashlee Simpson hides her penchant for KY jelly from her pervy dad-slash-manager.
Editorial Director
