If reality TV is a poor man’s scripted television, then game shows are a poor man’s reality TV. And with no writers to speak of, NBC is going to put out some poor television.
This January, NBC will add three more hours of reality TV to its lineup. The network will shelve Chuck and replace it with American Gladiators. (Full disclosure: One half of the Jossip team thinks American Gladiators is the greatest testament to physical prowess of American athletes since the 1984 Olympics. The other half thinks American Gladiators is greatest testament to American stupidity since "duck and cover.")
Quiz show 1 vs. 100, The Biggest Loser, Couples Edition, and Celebrity Apprentice will all start in January. NBC's reality chief Craig Plestis claims, "We're kicking off the New Year with a bang.”
Well, if he didn’t believe that, who would?
Well, we’ve doubted Paris Hilton’s intelligence before, but we have to credit her for being smart enough to skip out on the televised ego trip known as The Apprentice. This heiress/actress/partygoer/musician will not be participating in this season’s Celebrity Apprentice.
Even without Paris Hilton, plenty of people are desperate enough for media exposure to be in the same room as Donald Trump. And they include: Omarosa, Lennox Lewis, Tito Ortiz, Gene Simmons, Stephen Baldwin, Carol Alt, Vincent Pastore, John Cena and Marilu Henner.
First off, Omarosa isn’t a celebrity. She’s a person who appeared on a reality TV show three years ago. Stephen Baldwin is related to celebrities, but is no longer one himself. As for Lennox Lewis, it’s a shame he didn’t have better endorsements back when he was heavyweight champion of the world.
Now that she's no longer wanted by the police or even by E!, Paris Hilton is still in hot demand for reality TV. Donald Trump is courting her via Page Six, calling her possible competition, Britney and Lindsay, "[bleeping] messes." But her business savvy might take her away from working. According to The Sun, Big Brother is offering her more than $600,000 to lay around, get in caddy fights and humiliate herself under the public gaze. If health care and a 401(K) are included, it could be the perfect job.
Yesterday, we told you Ben Silverman's hatching a plan to court famous people (and, um, the cast of The Office) for an extra special ratings stunt all-celebrity edition of The Apprentice. And now, we hear Trump's cordially invited his arch-nemesis, Rosie O'Donnell to participate, with disingenuous promises that she won't be unfairly targeted and/or fired in the meanest, most dehumanizing way possible.
"If Rosie would like to do it, she would be treated very fairly," Trump tells PEOPLE. "Don't forget her show got the highest ratings in December and January when she and I went at it. So I think it would be very good for Rosie. And she would be treated very fairly."
Persuasive words! But will Rosie take the bait?
Ever wondered how the cast of The Office would fare on an all-celebrity edition of The Apprentice? We sure have! In fact, lately, we've been thinking about it a little bit more every day.
As we see it, the annoyingly sycophantic Dwight Schrute would quickly tick off The Donald with his transparent ass-kissing and self-promotional banter. Meanwhile, Jim and Pam would be too busy pranking Ivanka and debating whether or not to make out to seriously compete, while the Regional Manager of the Scranton Branch of Dunder-Mifflin would undoubtedly ruffle Trump's feather's with his overinflated sense of business savvy, then offend him with some sort of wayward racist or sexist remark in a misguided (and socially inept) attempt at humor.
Fortunately, programming guru Ben Silverman is already well on his way towards making our Office/Donald Trump crossover premise a reality (show).
Because all those TMZ.com emails about every note sung and Coca-Cola drank on American Idol already make us queasy, we made Intern Molly watch this week's round of reality TV. She rounded up the best soundbites from a growing selection of shows, even though you probably already caught them in last week's preview of this week's programming.
10. "She constantly has diarrhea of the mouth and the mindless blabber that comes out of her mouth drives me insane."—Tarek on Charmaine, The Apprentice
9. "She's like a linebacker who's so big but can't tackle."—Guest Judge Roy Campbell on Sarah, America's Next Top Model
8. "I don't know whether to give you a record deal or a straight jacket."—Paula Abdul to Taylor Hicks, American Idol
7. "You can understand chemistry but you can't understand the concept of a phone?"—Brooke to Nnenna, America's Next Top Model
6. "I have the snot rag right now."—Kellie Pickler, American Idol
The Top 5, after the jump.
CONTINUED »
Because Paula Abdul's been curbing her craziness and Naomi Campbell out-psychoed everyone else, these bitchy little quotes may not seem so outrageous. But, they are. Laugh at these people, people. Because if you can't laugh at dumbfucks on television, who can you laugh at?
10. "It's harvest season, ya know?"—Sean to Teddy, 8th & Ocean
9. "Harold and Steven can go make out somewhere, because I'm done with them." —Dave, Top Chef
8. "Andrea doesn't know how to play in the sandbox. I actually know how to play in the sandbox." —Roxanne, The Apprentice
7. "Why you talking about two girls when they're not here when there are like one million girls here?" —Vinci, 8th & Ocean
6. "Keep in mind that you have zero friends." —Tarek to Dan, The Apprentice
CONTINUED »
Those America's Next Top Model kids are flippin' hilarious. When Intern Molly sat down with seven hours of TiVo this week, she had no idea what she had coming to her. The fact that The Apprentice contestants and Top Chef folks act dumber than the 8th&Ocean cast really really scares us, but we guess that just goes to show that this Reality TV thing really is kind of catchy.
Oh, yes, and of course we have more proof of Paula Abdul's "craziness" (otherwise known to our readers as "drunkenness"). So grab a coke glass, fill it with rum, and get ready for girl showers, cat fights, and the odd smells coming from Brent. But don't forget the sweetest bites … after the jump.
10. "Furonda looks like a squashed bug under a petri dish"—Nigel Barker
"A pastry dish?"—Miss J, ANTM
9. "What I love about this Taylor, is that someone should be shooting this and making an exercise video out of it."—Paula, AI
8. "My skin is just as good as your skin."—Sabrina
"We're not the same. Okay. Get it straight."—Kelly, 8th & Ocean
7. "I don't think Andrea's an expert in graphics design. The only thing I think Andrea's an expert in is being an asshole, and Andrea, you might be joining Tammy in a taxi cab, and I hope you both have a good time smelling each other's crap because you both stink!"—Brent, Apprentice
6. "If you can't stand the heat in the kitchen, it is probably best to remove yourself." (Sure that's how that phrase goes.) —Steven , Top Chef
CONTINUED »
Oh, how we do miss Santino so very much. To fill the void, we had to adopt the cast of America's Next Top Model and Top Chef for this week's round-up. The Apprentice kids still manage to say to darndest things, and, 8th & Ocean gives us the bitchy ditziness that had been snatched along with our darling Project Runway.
Intern Molly has the top 10 quotes of the week, straight from the reality stars' wagging tongues.
10. "You know, there's nothing in life that's fair. Like some people would say it's unfair that Brent is here because Brent has been a complete disaster. You understand that, Brent?"—Donald Trump, Apprentice
9. "You look like you've gone to Dolly Parton School."—Simon Cowell to Kelly Pickler, AI
8. "Jesus is my maker and he is my husband."—Brit at Model's for Christ (sic) meeting, 8th & Ocean
7. "Taylor, your appeal is that you're like every dad who has ever got drunk at a wedding."—Simon, AI
6. "Whatever I make, it's gonna be sexy. It doesn't have to be dick. It doesn't have to be balls."—Cynthia, Top Chef
CONTINUED »
Last night was a real treat for Intern Molly, who fought a little less harder while we were tying her to a chair and ripping the remote away from her. Why? Because the premier of 8th & Ocean plus the finale of Project Runway is like our version of a Sharon Stone threeway.
Santino yelps his last cry for mommy, while we get just a tease from the latest fuckfest to hit your home screen. We know these TV personalities are totally unreal, but you're the ones that love love love to hate them! Top 5 of the week, after the jump.
10. "I think your last note booked your plane ticket home, sweetheart."— Simon Cowell to Melissa McPhee
"Nooooo" —Drunk Paula Abdul, AI
9. "Michael, you did a terrible job, I'll let you stay for one more task, and if you do poorly, you will be fired so fast your head will spin."—Donald Trump, Apprentice
8. "Brent seems like he has been in a psychiatric ward for too long and need attention."—Pepi, Apprentice
7. "There's not a lot of people I want to see in bathrooms. Well, the women perhaps, but not the men."—Donald Trump, Apprentice
6. "When I've got only just anus, everywhere, nice boo-tay, I'll call you, and you'll be like 'oh yeaaah.'"—Adrian, 8th & Ocean
CONTINUED »
And we're back, with this week's installment of "Reality (Sound) Bites" (cheers, clapping, yay!)
This week, Donald Trump's Apprentice bombed, so we're pretty sure you didn't see it. Which is way we are incoporating his fucktarded comments into our round-up this week.
From him to Santino (who just won't quit) to newly fired Apprentice people we bring the top 10 dumbass quotes from the reality which is our television. Well, Intern Molly's television, at least. (We've already had to call her mother and apologize for exposing her child to such foul and disgusting language for the sake of learning.)
10. "As I was showing Tim my line, I was thinking: 'Why isn't he saying more? Why isn't he piddling in his panties in excitement?'" — Daniel V., Project Runway
9. "You didn't make it by much, Tarek. Summer saved your ass with her own stupidity. Tarek is totally overrated." — Donald Trump, The Apprentice
8. "Chloe's line looks like a couch is coming at you." — Santino, PR
7. "I have loved this song since I was a little kid, which as most people say, wasn't all that long ago." — Lisa Tucker, 16, American Idol
6. "Shut up, Paula, you're really annoying me now. It's like being with some precocious child." — Simon Cowell, AI
CONTINUED »
• Today might be Britney Spears' 24th birthday, but she's not celebrating her marriage to Kevin Federline. After feuding on a flight from NY to LA, she shoved him off to the Beverly Hills Hotel while she partied at LAX with Johnny Knoxville. But now that the family is crumbling, she doesn't have an excuse not to sign on to Broadway's Sweet Charity. [R&M]
• The cast of Lost is doing more damage to Hawaii than merely destroying the islands' jungles. Stars Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros were arrested on DUI charges. Luckily, Dr. Jack was on hand to keep soothe everyone's emotions. [People]
• Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston were pulled over (without incident) in Scottsdale, Arizona, where Vince's BAC tested below the legal limit. Definitely not as exciting as Macaulay Culkin's bust in Oklahoma City.
[AP & Defamer]
• Fox wouldn't keep Nicole Richie on its network alongside Paris Hilton, but they are interested in discovering what, if any, talent she has. [Star]
• Alexis Stewart, the only thing worth watching on The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, admits to having "experimented with lesbianism" but, despite her haircut, she wasn't into it. Instead, she slept with one of the show's cameramen. [R&M]
• Having starred in the movie, Whoopi Goldberg doesn't plan on Oprah's The Color Purple on Broadway. At last, we have something in common. [Lowdown]
• Janice Dickinson claims she didn't re-up with American's Next Top Model because she wouldn't be nasty, a la Simon Cowell. Yup, that Twiggy's just an uber-bitch. [Page Six]
• Talan Torriero's biggest concern, beside finding an actual career? Making sure he gets a full refund on his daddy's credit card for the $75,000 ring he got for Kimberly Stewart. [Page Six]
• Christina Aguilera, now a married woman, is renaming herself Maria Bratman. She just didn't like the ring to "Xtina Bratman." [The Sun]
• NBC is hoping to reclaim Thursday nights by repositioning My Name Is Earl from Tuesdays to the network's prime night, as expected. What does that mean for Joey and The Apprentice? They're being ostracized to as-yet-unchosen (and much less favorable) slots. [AdAge]
• Even testimonials from Jamie Foxx and Snoop Dogg won't save Stanley Tookie Williams from death row. [LAT]
• President Bush will likely escape jury duty in McLennan County, where his Crawford ranch is located. Something about being preoccupied with running the country. [AP]
• All Paris Hilton wants for Christmas: a convertible red Ferrari 430. Oh, and if you could get rid of her V.D., that's be super duper too. [The Insider]
• E! gossipist Ted Casablanca isn't a huge fan of Brokeback Mountain — and the gays, one again, feel betrayed. [The Awful Truth]
• Remember folks, tonight David Letterman welcomes Oprah to the show. Or, more accurately, Oprah begrudgingly agrees to be on the show to promote The Color Purple.
A well-connected tipster (that is, a tipster with well-connected friends) writes in with shocking news: Martha Stewart's Apprentice set is being torn down. Right now!
a friend is taking it down right now, and he said it was very much built to last - like a house - at least for a few years. it wasn't your typical flimsy set, so clearly they were shocked that it was a one-year stint. not only that, it had custom detailing - what other television set has custom detailing?
And yet NBC had the audacity to pretend Martha's reality show was just a one-year deal from the start.
At NBC, Martha Stewart "just doesn't fit it." That's what NBC execs are telling the domestician after The Apprentice: Martha Stewart produced ratings that even the cast of Coupling could chuckle at.
When Martha's reality show ends with a two-hour finale on Dec. 21, Americans' hopes of their shot at 13-week televised interview will come to an end. Donald Trump's version – which has seen lower than normal ratings but still beaten Martha – will be back for at least another two seasons.
And in other cancellation news, you can also keep your waving hand in the air as Arrested Development and 7th Heaven. The Emmy favorite just couldn't muster the ratings to keep it afloat, while the Christian Camdens on The WB end their 10-year reign as the longest running Jessica Biel launch pad.
Network to Martha Stewart: 'You're Fired' [People]
'7th Heaven," 'Arrested Development' Canceled [Star]
Editorial Director
