Let’s start at the beginning. Sunday morning starts with a trip to the bodega for a banana and the Sunday Times.

And where do we begin with that five pound paper? One hint: we have two X chromosomes and we live in New York.

The Vows section, obviously. And after that, it’s Modern Love, which alternatively leaves us misanthropic or self-hating, depending on whether we can relate to the column. Feel free to judge. We already have.

As the most emailed list proves, the column is insanely popular. Since 2004, the space has led to nine book deals.

That may seem ridiculous to those who start the Sunday paper with the Week In Review. But really, Modern Love is like The Hills for smart people. An intelligent person articulating what’s wrong with his or her love life: What could be better, other than attractive person doing the same with wide shots over Hollywood?

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• Puff Daddy is literally begging for you to participate in democracy. If that and Facebook status updates don’t do it for you, the terrorists will win if you don’t vote.

• If your idea of a good time is to get stoned and watch the 10 funniest anti-drug commercials in advertising history, you might have a problem. Also, you’re in luck because Best Week Ever did all the work for you.

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• We’ve been listening to the Hot Chip song, “Ready For The Floor” on all day repeat. The video is pretty cool, too.

• In the reality TV equivalent of George Clooney rejoining the cast of ER, which never happened, Lo is going to be a featured player on The Hills next season, not just “Lauren’s Friend.” You mean LC’s BFF from Laguna Beach? Yes, we’re familiar with Lo.

• Our gay li’l brother Queerty got a redesign today. The gays always age better than the straights. Also, a lesbian endorses Hillary Clinton. Too bad no one cares about that minority this election cycle.

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• Demi Moore continues to look great in seemingly unflattering poses on the cover of magazines that start with “V.”

• There’s a story about Kristin Cavallari removing her tattoo of her ex-bf’s initials. But the real story is that there is a story about Kristin Cavallari. We’re predicting she’ll be on The Hills next season for Stephen-LC-Kristin love triangle renaissance.

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Our daily attempt to help you seem smart, even if you’re not.

neoteric \nee-uh-TAIR-ik\ adjective: recent in origin : modern

Last night, we had a dream that Spencer and Heidi from The Hills broke up, which was our subconscious telling us that this neoteric trend of reality stardom has gone too far.

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“After all the work I did on the Hot Young Hollywood party, I couldn’t believe Whitney and I lost our jobs at Teen Vogue,” or so we imagine the opening of the next season of The Hills to begin. But really, after all the cross-promotional work they did, why did they lose their jobs?

Insiders say they outgrew their demographic:

The average age of the magazine’s readership is 16 — do they really want to support the behavior depicted in The Hills? They also started to see that newsstand sales were flat… there was no blip on the radar when Lauren and Whitney were involved.

So what’s next? MTV, err, Whitney and Lauren, are already sending out resumes for the next season. Does ELLEgirl have a west coast office for their website?

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PERPETUAL SYNERGYMACHINES DON’T WORK EITHER Lauren Conrad has left her “internship” at the “West Coast office” of Teen Vogue. [WWD]

Vacation’s over, but the tabs have yet to recover from their holiday hangovers. It’s a sad day when pictures of Katherine Heigl’s wedding excite us.

With all the celebrity diet “exclusives,” Intern Whitney was happy to see Brangelina on the cover of Life & Style. The mag takes their stalking abilities to the next level, monitoring their family’s daily habits with a time chart. Ground breaking work, for sure.

Star has resorted to more ugly pictures of celebrities to make you feel better about yourself, and the mag also teases us with the idea of a Britney and Jamie Lynn crazy house! We’d go. Other great ideas: Making Mischa Barton the godmother of your child, finding love via public restrooms and proposing to a Kardashian. What a week.

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If you’ve ever woken up on a Saturday morning and thought, “thinking isn’t for me today” and spent the day watching MTV, you know that Stephen and Lauren of Laguna Beach hooking up again is a big deal.

We’ve had that experience; our colleague Cord of Mollygood has not. And yet he has used all our witty rejoinders about the recent re-pairing on his website. Our resolution for 2008 is to get our revenge.

[Photo Credit: WireImage]

When you treat girls like shit, men are sure to notice. And gay porn mogul Michael Lucas has taken notice of Hills villain, and homeless outreacher, Spencer Pratt.

“He was born to be in a gay-porn blockbuster,” Lucas tells In Touch. “Lucas Entertainment would do anything to be able to center our next major all-male production on Spencer Pratt.”

And we would do anything to see it. With Blonde Ambition already taken (and bombed), how about I Became Famous Through Manipulating Women And Now I’m Starring In Gay Porn?

[Photo Credit: WireImage]

Here are the facts: The Hills is fake. It’s possible that Heidi and Spencer have never even seen each other naked. Once Lauren grew out of her teenage insecurities, she became more boring than white window treatments. The west coast “office” of Teen Vogue is basically a set.

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This just in from The Post: The Hills might be fake:

Before Lauren Conrad and her Teen Vogue counterpart, Whitney Port, went to Paris to “work” at the Crillon Ball, producers were “frantically calling publicists to see if anyone knew any guys to set the girls up with in Paris. If they had a love affair there, then it would look better,” a source said.

Just because it’s not true doesn’t mean it’s not entertaining.

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Keeping it real has its perks. Owing up to its lowest common dominator cultural values has boosted ratings for MTV.

Because of shows like The Hills and A Shot At Love with Tila Tequila, ratings for viewers aged 12 to 34 are up 13 percent, which is the first time MTV ratings have gone up in more than two years.

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Unlike Lauren Conrad, who wanted to forgive—and forget—frenemy Heidi Montag, Roy Horn (not the peroxide blond) has truly made amends with Montecore, the gigantic white and black-striped quadruped who nearly cost him his life.*

According to the Associated Press, Horn is “convinced that Montecore sensed [he] was having a mini-stroke and was dragging him to safety, rather than attacking him. ‘I hang out with my lifesaver,’ Horn said.” Even neater? There’s talk of a revival act…a full-tilt, Vegas production starring Siegfried, Roy and (you guessed it!) the heroic Montecore.

When asked for her take on this exciting news, Steve Irwin’s still-grieving widow turned to Roy Horn and scornfully remarked, “You’re an idiot.”

*But who, singlehandedly, taught us to authoritatively answer the question, “Which one’s Roy?”

God, MTV.

First we hear that The Hills is fake, and now Tila Tequila is straight. What’s next, the Real World isn’t real?

A source close to the Shot At Love production claims Tila is not bi-sexual at all. In fact, she’s got a BF, and is just using her sexuality to springboard her career [Ed: since when is looking slutty on a social networking site a career?]. Get out!

Reports Page Six:

Tila has and has had a boyfriend for over a year, and she’s not really bi. She’s made out with some girls in her past, as all girls have, but she is not bi at all … This is a massive scam . . . That’s why they are not continuing with the show [for a second season], because she won’t dump him.

We know, we know. This looks bad. But if the source at Page Six thinks all girls have made out with other girls, Tila Tequila might still be a bit bi-curious.

Today, we here at Jossip Headquarters have decided to commemorate our nation’s triumph over the American Indians and propensity for over-eating by taking a moment to reflect on our wonderful lives and come up with a list of things for which we are thankful. Next: raronauer.

Around this time every year, my father proclaims his greatest wish is to collect the tolls on Throgs Neck Bridge for just one Thanksgiving. But Thanksgiving is not the time for bizarre dreams of winning some sort of municipal lottery. It’s a time to give thanks to the simple pleasures things, like the four day weekend ahead of us.

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Voyeurs, rejoice. If you’ve been following the Jakob Lodwick-Julia Allison drama from their separate tumblr blogs, you may have grown tired of reading about Julia’s new apartment and Jakob’s plans for Vimeo.

Well, Jakob and Julia have made following their lives easier than ever. The two have joined forces and launched jakobandjulia.com, a site devoted to their relationship. Thanks, guys!

Remarkably, the fight over whether it should be juliaandjakob.com is not online.

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Um, did you see The Hills this week? OMG, Heidi totally tried to apologize to Lauren for the whole sex tape thing, Lauren was all like, “I want to forgive you, and forget you.” Oh snap, what a play on the “forgive and forget” expression.

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Our favorite reality TV duo, Heidi and Spencer, are taking a brief respite from their self-promotion tour to do a charity lunch. (Actually, the lunch is co-sponsored by CosmoGirl!, so really, it’s a working lunch.)

Currently the bidding is at $240, which seems low, but then again, we’d pay at least that much not to share a meal with them.

Some advice for the winner: Meeting celebrities can be awkward. After, “OMG, I watch you on TV all the time” the conversation might fall into a lull. Don’t attack. Instead, take Spencer’s approach with Heidi and be duplicitous.

Ask her about the wedding plans. Engaged women love talking about floral arrangements. She’ll never realize you’re thinking about how much Spencer has sold the wedding rights for the whole time.

[Photo Credit: WireImage]

Good news fans of The Hills and America’s Next Top Model: More of the top quality reality programming you’ve come to love is coming your way.

By all accounts, by midnight tomorrow, the writers who come up with Conan’s monologues, Grey’s Anatomy and Emmy speeches will go on strike over residuals on DVD and internet sales. And that means networks will rely on reality TV for primetime programming.

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