Merchandising expert Lauren Conrad wasn't happy with the cover Us Weekly gave her this week. She agreed to give Janice Min's tabloid an exclusive interview (whatever that means with press-hungry reality tarts), and they had the audacity to write a cover line that made her look all woe is me instead of girl power. CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY WOULD DO THAT TO HER?!?!

So she took to, where else, her MySpace blog to set the record straight: "Hey! I just wanted to take a moment to clear something up. I recently did an interview to talk about the show coming back on and what everyone had to look forward to. Unfortunately it was turned into yet another 'poor me' story. The article itself is a nice one but it follows headlines that, in no way, represent my words or feelings. I do not feel betrayed by Audrina or Brody. I love them both and said nothing to contradict this. I understand that headlines sell magazines, but I value my friendships above magazine sales any day. On a more positive note, I got to see some of the first episode yesterday and it looks amazing. I’m sooooooo excited for everyone to see Paris. Best wishes and I hope everyone tunes in Monday."

Unless you're friends with Lauren, perhaps you weren't alerted to the post the way you usually are — by MySpace's PR team, which issues releases whenever one of its celebrity clientele does something meaningful like string words together. So how come tabloid TV producers and their kin weren't notified?

We're just riffing here, but a one Shelly Reinstein happens to work at MySpace PR. She used to work at Us Weekly. And her sister, Mara Reinstein? She still does.

After the jump, a photo of Lauren's dog Chloe, just 'cause.

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As Dolly Parton says, "It takes a lot of money to look this cheap." For Lauren Conrad, it takes a lot of handlers, merchandising experts, and red carpet appearances. The reality starlet has big plans for herself, taking the path of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen in turning her TV fame into retail dollars. At least she's not kidding herself: Most of her dollars come from endorsement deals, with guarantee an upfront fee and a cut of sales from whatever she's pushing.

She's on board with a toy company, a leather-goods maker and a cosmetics line. But her true passion is fashion, and it's in that world she hopes to make a name for herself. Which is why Conrad, who you'd think will accept any cheque made out to her name, actually refused one retailer's overtures to slap her name on a clothing line — because she wouldn't have any creative input!

Those two months in Paris and interning for a TV version Teen Vogue will NOT be wasted, even if she can't spell "beret."

Like every other gossip outlet, Page Six today leads with a double sex scandal whammy: Naked photos of both Kristin Davis and The Hills star Audrina Partridge should be a warning to "young women [...] about not letting nude photographs of themselves leave their hands. Notes P6 (emphasis ours): "There's absolutely no doubt that the photos of Partridge - the faithful perky sidekick of Lauren Conrad on "The Hills" - are 100 percent real. Partridge posed for the pin-ups in 1994, after graduating from high school in the hope she could score some space in Playboy."

Except, given Partridge was born in 1985, that would make those pin-up shots of her child porn. And even Joe Francis, who has no problem with Ashley Dupre being under 18, might have a problem with that. (In fact, the photos were taken around 2004, when she was 18, just out of high school, and hoping to land in Playboy.)

• A letter to the editor of the New Yorker is a little self-serious, even for the New Yorker. Turns out that nice image above is scientifically impossible. Also, that cat would totally get trampled.

• Lesbian hands look like straight women's hands, only a little more wrinkly.

• Even with all the real-life spoilers, the extended season of The Hills looks really good.

• Shocker: The Gene Simmons sex tape is gross. That said, his lady friend is quite flexible.

• No American should idolize Paula Abdul after her new video. See what we did?

• Pink keeps up the pretense that divorce isn't heart-wrenching. You know, she's doing it for the kids. What a role model.

Our daily attempt to help you seem smart, even if you’re not.

collegium \kuh-LEG-ee-um\ noun
: a group in which each member has approximately equal power and authority

Heidi and Spencer never felt like they were in a collegium with Lauren because as the narrator, she has more power over the show.

[Photos]

Let’s start at the beginning. Sunday morning starts with a trip to the bodega for a banana and the Sunday Times.

And where do we begin with that five pound paper? One hint: we have two X chromosomes and we live in New York.

The Vows section, obviously. And after that, it’s Modern Love, which alternatively leaves us misanthropic or self-hating, depending on whether we can relate to the column. Feel free to judge. We already have.

As the most emailed list proves, the column is insanely popular. Since 2004, the space has led to nine book deals.

That may seem ridiculous to those who start the Sunday paper with the Week In Review. But really, Modern Love is like The Hills for smart people. An intelligent person articulating what’s wrong with his or her love life: What could be better, other than attractive person doing the same with wide shots over Hollywood?

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• Puff Daddy is literally begging for you to participate in democracy. If that and Facebook status updates don't do it for you, the terrorists will win if you don't vote.

• If your idea of a good time is to get stoned and watch the 10 funniest anti-drug commercials in advertising history, you might have a problem. Also, you're in luck because Best Week Ever did all the work for you.

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• We've been listening to the Hot Chip song, "Ready For The Floor" on all day repeat. The video is pretty cool, too.

• In the reality TV equivalent of George Clooney rejoining the cast of ER, which never happened, Lo is going to be a featured player on The Hills next season, not just "Lauren's Friend." You mean LC's BFF from Laguna Beach? Yes, we're familiar with Lo.

• Our gay li'l brother Queerty got a redesign today. The gays always age better than the straights. Also, a lesbian endorses Hillary Clinton. Too bad no one cares about that minority this election cycle.

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• Demi Moore continues to look great in seemingly unflattering poses on the cover of magazines that start with "V."

• There's a story about Kristin Cavallari removing her tattoo of her ex-bf's initials. But the real story is that there is a story about Kristin Cavallari. We're predicting she'll be on The Hills next season for Stephen-LC-Kristin love triangle renaissance.

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Our daily attempt to help you seem smart, even if you’re not.

neoteric \nee-uh-TAIR-ik\ adjective: recent in origin : modern

Last night, we had a dream that Spencer and Heidi from The Hills broke up, which was our subconscious telling us that this neoteric trend of reality stardom has gone too far.

[Photos]

"After all the work I did on the Hot Young Hollywood party, I couldn't believe Whitney and I lost our jobs at Teen Vogue," or so we imagine the opening of the next season of The Hills to begin. But really, after all the cross-promotional work they did, why did they lose their jobs?

Insiders say they outgrew their demographic:

The average age of the magazine’s readership is 16 — do they really want to support the behavior depicted in The Hills? They also started to see that newsstand sales were flat… there was no blip on the radar when Lauren and Whitney were involved.

So what's next? MTV, err, Whitney and Lauren, are already sending out resumes for the next season. Does ELLEgirl have a west coast office for their website?

[Photo]

PERPETUAL SYNERGYMACHINES DON'T WORK EITHER Lauren Conrad has left her "internship" at the "West Coast office" of Teen Vogue. [WWD]

Vacation's over, but the tabs have yet to recover from their holiday hangovers. It's a sad day when pictures of Katherine Heigl's wedding excite us.

With all the celebrity diet "exclusives," Intern Whitney was happy to see Brangelina on the cover of Life & Style. The mag takes their stalking abilities to the next level, monitoring their family's daily habits with a time chart. Ground breaking work, for sure.

Star has resorted to more ugly pictures of celebrities to make you feel better about yourself, and the mag also teases us with the idea of a Britney and Jamie Lynn crazy house! We'd go. Other great ideas: Making Mischa Barton the godmother of your child, finding love via public restrooms and proposing to a Kardashian. What a week.

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If you’ve ever woken up on a Saturday morning and thought, “thinking isn’t for me today” and spent the day watching MTV, you know that Stephen and Lauren of Laguna Beach hooking up again is a big deal.

We’ve had that experience; our colleague Cord of Mollygood has not. And yet he has used all our witty rejoinders about the recent re-pairing on his website. Our resolution for 2008 is to get our revenge.

[Photo Credit: WireImage]

When you treat girls like shit, men are sure to notice. And gay porn mogul Michael Lucas has taken notice of Hills villain, and homeless outreacher, Spencer Pratt.

“He was born to be in a gay-porn blockbuster," Lucas tells In Touch. "Lucas Entertainment would do anything to be able to center our next major all-male production on Spencer Pratt."

And we would do anything to see it. With Blonde Ambition already taken (and bombed), how about I Became Famous Through Manipulating Women And Now I’m Starring In Gay Porn?

[Photo Credit: WireImage]