Oh look guys, someone else is jumping all over the smug sarcasm/reverse psychology train that's being conducted by Leonardo DiCaprio and has Demi and Ashton as a caboose.
While there's been a lot of good, wholesome fun poked at John McCain for coining "gotcha" journalism this week, Columbia Journalism Review takes things a little overboard with their McSweeney's style eye-roll at the media that attacks poor, defenseless Sarah Palin:
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It's hard to tell where the parody of morning shows like Today and Good Morning America ends and the parody of Nancy Grace begins. But so long as you spend your tax rebate cheque at Home Depot and start stimulating this here economy, does it really matter?
When one thinks "straight-to-DVD," images of The Hottie and The Nottie might come to mind. Actually, that movie did open in theatres, grossing a blockbuster $27,696 its opening weekend. But it's all the same.
But here's one straight-to-DVD project you can get behind: The Onion Movie. The fake news network brings you "crucial stories," like an industry recall of motor vehicles with neck belts, which cause decapitation. And a cameo from Steven Segal, who is finally in on the joke that his acting chops carry a certificate from The Freddie Prinze Jr. School of Acting, cement this as a must-pirate DVD.
The unthinkable (and yet, highly plausible) has happened. The American people have officially lost interest in the long, drawn out and extremely uncomfortable process of watching politicians from both parties reduced to shamelessly pandering for votes.
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"World Series 2007 Ratings Average Second-Lowest In Televised History!" proclaims TVWeek. Which is to say the number of people across the country tuning in to see the Red Sox overtake the Colorado Rockies was the lowest of any World Series ever, with the exception of last year.
Say, anyone else see that amusing piece in The Onion thanking A-Rod for selflessly waiting until the last game of the World Series to announce that he's opted out of his contract with the Yankees, thereby saving devout baseball fans from the humdrum of another yawn-inducing October?
And here we thought that was supposed to be social satire.
• FEMA apologizes for holding a (fake) news conference in California to discuss the (real) wildfires.
• Breaking: Ellen and Portia are still together! Which is to say they haven't broken up. Yet.
• Scarlett Johansson gave her boyfriend Ryan Reynolds one of her teeth on a chain. Fortunately, it was gold-plated! Which makes it creepy rather than just plain gross.
• William Shatner will, unfortunately, not be cast in the new Star Trek movie on account of being 20 years too old. Thankfully, he's handling the disappointment with the utmost grace and maturity.
After an atypically serious morning, we were fortunate enough to encounter this stunning example of unadulterated headline greatness.
Fred Thompson Fears Presidential Run Will Typecast Him As Politician.
Is it wrong that we're not sure if this is one of those times where The Onion is, uncharacteristically, playing it straight? [The Onion]
• O.J. Simpson to face one of his greatest all-time fears, namely being tried and convicted of a crime—and sentenced to prison for up to 35 years.
• The Onion's "Israelites Sue God For Breach Of Covenant" is supposed to be funny, but surprisingly, it turns out they're right on the money.
• Meanwhile, devout followers testify in polygamist Warren Jeffs' defense. His wives unanimously rally around him, except #7, who's "on the fence."
• Did Rihanna get plastic surgery? Well, the rumors certainly are rife. And something about those funbags says she ditched the umbrella and went under the knife.
• Vanessa Hudgens divulges a "secret" crush on Matt Damon and brags about her throngs of adoring fans while simultaneously refusing to answer questions about those racy pictures of her cans.
Two days after legendary player/announcer Phil Rizzuto's death, the Yankees are back to doing what the do best: annoying the hell out of the rest of the country.
Moments after the New York Yankees continued a month-long stretch that has seen them climb from the bottom of the AL East to pull within a once unfathomable four games of the first-place Red Sox by defeating the Baltimore Orioles Monday night, stunned and enraged baseball fans across America took a moment to shake their heads in disbelief and curse dejectedly at the relentless inevitability of Yankee glory.
The Yankees, coming off a decisive three-game sweep of the Central-leading Indians, have won nine out of their last 10 games, catapulting them to the top of the wild-card standings, restoring the team's infuriating confidence, and instilling a sinking sense of impending misery among all non-Yankee fans.
Tennis, anyone?
"Play with me on this one," writes media columnist Jon Fine. "Which major American newspaper should be the first to throw up its hands and stop publishing a print product? It's a question worth asking. When exactly, do you junk something that no longer works? And which major paper should go first &emdash; not today, but within the next 18 or 24 months?"
And we think it's pretty obvious who he's talking about.
It's been a long, sometimes vaguely amusing ride, guys. But at some point you've got to just cut your losses and face the facts.
You don't have the deranged homeless guy following of an AM New York or a NY Metro, the staying power of inexplicable mainstay The Village Voice or the subversive humor quotient of your average episode of Doogie Howser, M.D..
It's been nice knowing—and occasionally reading—you.
What's scarier than The Day The Blackberries Died, grimmer than finding out your $600 iPhone is a piece of shit and infinitely worse than that time your boss caught you looking at this extremely NSFW photo of Cisco Adler?
The prospect of life without YouTube, Drudge, MySpace, Facebook, Match.com or GoFugYourself.
Don't worry. It's all just a (terrifying) hypothetical…for now.
According to a poll released Monday by Teen Zogby!, both Barack Obama's approval and dreaminess ratings among slumber party–attending tweens have risen to 82 percent following last week's publication of the Tiger Beat cover pictorial "Hangin' With Barack!"
"Barack is sooooo hot!" said 12-year-old Tiger Beat subscriber Beth Majors upon reading the issue, which included a "supercute" poster of Obama leaning against the Lincoln Memorial and an interview in which he revealed that his most inspirational hero is "you." "He so totally has my support. Obama in '08!"
Obama is expected to remain a solid favorite with the giggling-and-talking-until-4 a.m. voting bloc, as hunky war hero John McCain, his closest contender, is widely considered by the slumber party demographic to be a gross dork.
–This (100% fake) article ["Barack Obama Tiger Beat Cover Clinches Slumber Party Vote"] originally ran in The Onion on July 19.
• Billionaires continue to duke it out for control of Tribune. It's almost like watching a no-holds-barred Ultimate Fighting Championship except with boring rich guys.
• Diane Sawyer beats out NBC, CBS to score the interview with Dina McGreevey that nobody else wanted.
• "At breakfast yesterday, Dean Baquet looked an awful lot like the next executive editor of the New York Times." Sounds like someone ordered Wheaties!
• The Edwards campaign may have the most Facebook, MySpace friends, but Obama looks "way hotter" in his profile picture.
• The reviews are in on Onion News Network: "Funny to read, not funny to hear from mediocre actors with bad toupees."
Anyone see that new Anna Nicole Smith article? The one about how Anna finally lost those last, stubborn few pounds, dropped down to her ideal weight and "has never been happier?" That story's what we like to call an "Onion Exclusive." Meaning it was offensive, entertaining and 100% made up.
Yes, even before Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart, there was something called the "fake news genre." And now The Onion plans to take their operation to the next level by launching the ONN, a 24-hour fake news network. Which sounds more like The Daily Show and The Colbert Report than Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update." But, of course, Onion mouthpieces are quick to avoid comparisons with Comedy Central's fake news front-men.
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Editorial Director
