• FEMA apologizes for holding a (fake) news conference in California to discuss the (real) wildfires.
• Breaking: Ellen and Portia are still together! Which is to say they haven't broken up. Yet.
• Scarlett Johansson gave her boyfriend Ryan Reynolds one of her teeth on a chain. Fortunately, it was gold-plated! Which makes it creepy rather than just plain gross.
• William Shatner will, unfortunately, not be cast in the new Star Trek movie on account of being 20 years too old. Thankfully, he's handling the disappointment with the utmost grace and maturity.
• After more than one false alarm, the words "Murdoch and Dow Jones reach agreement in principle" have us shouting from the rooftops, and singing a song we made up ourselves entitled, "It's About Fucking Time."
• Which means Christopher Bancroft has failed in his last-ditch, longshot crusade to thwart Rupert Murdoch's plans for total world domination.
• At long last, HuffPo tackles that hard-hitting issue of "Why Canadians care about the Black verdict and Americans don't."
• Harper's Bazaar EIC Glenda Bailey becomes the latest victim of the new jaundiced fashionista trend.
• William Shatner to interview celebs on boring, new Biography-channel version of Chelsea Lately.
• Since the end of Will & Grace and Frasier there aren't anymore gay people on TV. [AP]
• Blender's average reader = Radar's average staffer. [FBNY]
• In case you missed the William Shatner roast last night on Comedy Central, this part was really fucking funny. [Queerty]
• Harvey Weinstein has his eye on MGM. And if he doesn't get it, you best bet somebody's going to get eaten alive. [Defamer]
• We actually wouldn't mind smelling like Victoria and David Beckham … as long as we don't have to walk or talk like them. [TMZ]
Today's Page Six only offered a glimpse into the horror Post-It Mandy Stadtmiller suffered at the, ahem, "hand" of Andy Dick at William Shatner's Comedy Central roast. Mandy offers more details on her blog:
"I was doing it because I was desperately trying to tie the show together like a fisherman with tuna, and you're a little piece of fresh tuna," Andy Dick told Stadtmiller. "But thanks for asking. Do you want me to lick your face now?"
Ed note: My right hand is recovering quite nicely, thanks for your concern. And the skin was not broken so my doctor friends assure me that I am probably "not too AIDS-y." Their words. My recording of this incident is so ridiculous that all I can tell you is that I'm strongly considering doing a dramatic re-enactment at Mo's on Thursday night so people can fully appreciate the experience of, say, this extended cut:
"I was doing it because I was desperately trying to tie the show together like a fisherman with tuna, and you're a little piece of fresh tuna, f—ing bring my net in, tie it all together, tie it together like a throughline, like I'll lick you, I'll lick him, I'll lick her, I'll lick him. It was me trying to tie it all together. You know what? I was giving that to the editor. That was my gift to the editor, you're welcome if they can tie that together then they did my job because I gave it to them. If they didn't then f— it, you know what whatever. That's it. But thanks for asking. But thanks for asking. Do you want me to lick your face now? Do you want me to lick your c—? Do you want me to lick your c—? Do you want me to lick your – bye bye."
We're awaiting the MP3 download.
And why did he go on his licking spree? [Bloggy McBlogalot]
• Environmentalist Leonardo DiCaprio is back to work, tackling his toughest role yet: trying to make Al Gore sound cool. [Scoop]
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are really making Namibia a better place. Still a long way to go before we vacation there, but at least they'll have a few schools. [NYDN]
• According to William Shatner, horseback riding can be therapeutic. Honestly, we agree, as long as it involves watching Paris Hilton get kicked in the stomach. Best therapy ever. [AP]
• Ice Cube can't get any love from Oprah. We bet Ellen Degeneres would break it down with him, though. [Page Six]
• We almost can't believe it, but Lloyd Grove is still getting gossip tips from a crazy, jailed pimp. It's truly amazing how many people he is able to reach. [Lowdown]
• California values life, so obviously, if a prisoner died, they would resuscitate him before execution. [CNN]
• Tina Brown is leaving the Washington Post to hide away in her writer's hole. [NYP]
• Yay, more reality TV! CNBC's Mad Money man, Jim Cramer, is launching an apprentice-like TV show. Invest in some earplugs, and make sure the batteries in your remote are fully charged. [NYO]
• William Shatner sells his kidney stone to charity, and you can watch the uncomfortable jokes and complete weirdness tonight on CNN. Or, right now, on CNN.com. Or, (our recommendation) don't watch at all. [CNN]
• Forget mini-series, CBS has your micro-series. Someday, maybe ABC will have a nano-series. Who knows? [WaPo]
Editorial Director
