If you're like us, you like your booze to reflect your loyalty to TV shows and your immature, macho obsession with people who earn respect by murdering other people. In that case, it's time to get drunk, comrades!

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Restaurants love to bandy about in awards they've received, often plastering their website, or even their eatery's window, with framed accolades delivered by various awards groups. Did James Beard think your roast duck was tops? Tell the world! And because every magazine believes its stamp of authenticity is worth something, many have developed their own awards, which make for excellent listicles to be trumpeted on the cover with numbers in their headlines. (For some magazines, these awards are also excellent revenue centers.)

Wine Spectator, then, is a magazine that hands out awards to restaurants that meet its strict criteria in offering customers a robust and well-selected wine list to accompany their roast duck and pappardelle bolognese. Its Awards of Excellence tell readers which restaurants around the world are their best bets for finding the perfect cab sav or pinot blanc.

Sometimes, though, Wine Spectator will — after vigorous scoring, lengthy research, and heated debate — recommend you visit a restaurant that does not exist.

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Are you a poor coward who likes to get drunk? If so, you probably shouldn't be buying alcohol, but that's certainly not going to stop booze company admen from directly targeting your demographic with their fine, destructive product. Allow us to introduce the wine tube, a grownup version of those fun-ass Mind Eraser vials they sell in Cancun. A two-ounce container of merlot (chardonnay, whatever), the wine tube is made specifically for the consumer who doesn't know their claret from their beaujolais and is too broke to buy a bottle on spec. WineSide, the machine behind the wine tubes, says they don't want customers to feel "daunted" when buying wine, and they'll be selling the wands individually or by box. Remember when boxes of tubes of wine used to be called bottles?

In related "Crappy Bottled Things" news, water baron Evian is set to release a product called "Brumisateur sprays," which one sprays on their face and body when one "just can’t get out of bed." Use them after too many tubes of wine. Or when you're a stupid person!