Either Lloyd Grove is nuts, or we are morons, because for the life of us we can not find the Vanity Fair article referred to in the Lowdown online. But, apparently, Christopher Hitchens has a column, not suitable for a family paper, focusing on the ancient art of blowjobs.

Calling head "as American as apple pie," Hitchens gives detailed historical analysis. Again, we tried to find the dirty parts (we'll print them! We don't let our family read this!) we honestly can not drudge up the article. So, please take in this niced up version for now, until we can either wake up enough to properly function, or Katherine Thomson sends us this alleged link.

"The United States is par excellence the country of beautiful dentistry. As one who was stretched on the grim rack of British 'National Health' practice, with its gray-and-yellow fangs, its steely-wire braces,its dark and crumbly fillings, its shriveled and bleeding gums, I can remember barely daring to smile when I first set foot in the New World. Whereas when any sweet American girl smiled at me, I was at once bewitched and slain by the warm …" Better stop there.

Grr. We totally apologize. We know this has to be more frustrating than watching Silk Stalkings in your parents' basement.

Hitchens shifts into oral drive [Lloyd Grove, Daily News]