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Thursday, November 11, 2004

Reality Host Misfits: Caroline Rhea vs. Tyra Banks

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Despite what we may say in an effort to maintain our waning street cred, we actually do watch a spot of reality television now and then everyday. It’s just so hard to say no to TiVo, a device as ready and willing as the “straight” Manhunt models. But two shows we watch religiously each week also bring us to our knees in the most unsexual of ways. It’s not because we don’t love the man boobs and back fat on NBC’s The Biggest Loser or the fashion senseless judges and gay stereotypes on UPN’s America’s Next Top Model.

No, the reason we force Mr. Pharmacist to illegally refill our Wellbutrin is because of the hosts, big loser Caroline Rhea and top model Tyra Banks. Americans watch these women each week and wonder – albeit more so for Caroline because, after all, who is she other than that atrocious Rosie O’Donnell filler – why producers allow them to host a show where drama and suspense are required.

And so we introduce: Reality Host Misfits: Caroline Rhea vs. Tyra Banks. Our full rationale after the jump.

So here we have Caroline Rhea, who spends each episode of Biggest Loser supervising the weigh-ins, where larger-than-lifers step on a larger-than-life scale, and announces their weight. Then she hosts the dinner table sit down, where members lift the covers from their silver platters to reveal who they voted to cut, a la Donald Trump’s boardroom.

And Caroline, so eager to just have a job, willingly reads from producer-provided scripts and fumbles through a series of questions hoping to incite drama and quarrel. When the votes are revealed, Ms. Rhea gets her contract-clause line: “It’s time to cut the fat.” Can’t you just hear that Trump rip-off? (Though, it’s not as bad as Manhunt‘s Carmen Electra’s entirely unemotional, “That was your last shot.” Boo hoo.)

But when it comes to nauseating weekly scripts, Tyra Banks wins out. After she makes one or two cameos in each show – she’s all busy trying on Victoria’s Secret bras when she’s not on camera – she heads up the judging of each girl’s photo shoot and attitude, along with whatever attempt at hoop jumping the lackluster producers (TyTy being an exec producer, mind you) scrambled together.

As the girls enter the judging room, with “the world’s very first supermodel” Janice Dickinson and some other “noted” and “prominents” playing judges, Tyra reminds them, as she does everyweek:

Now it’s time to make our [insert number] cut, which will bring us one step closer to figuring out who is going to become America’s Next Top Model. We have some amazing prizes: a modeling contract with the top modeling agency, Ford Models. A photo spread in Elle magazine shot by world-renowned photographer Gilles Bensimon and a $100,000 contract with CoverGirl cosmetics.

After a rallying cry and inconsistent criticism among the judges, the girls are called back in and Tyra begins Round No. 2 of rehearsed speeches:

There are [insert number] beautiful young ladies standing in front of me, but I only have [insert above number minus one] photos in my hands. And these photos represent the [insert minus one number] of you that will still be in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. The first name that I’m going to call is [insert name]. Congratulations, you’re still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model.

And so it continues until there are only two girls left, who get called forward for Round No. 3 of TyTy’s unenthusiastic rhetoric:

Will [two remaining girls’ names] please step forward. I have one photo in my hands, and this one photos represents the girl who will continue in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model. The girl that I do not call must immediately return to the apartment, pack your belongings, and leave. [Insert rudimentary bashing.]

And then she pulls that final glossy photo and utters, “You’re still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model.”

While we’ve clearly taken more time to print Tyra’s attempt at suspense, fear not Caroline’s worthiness as an opponent. She’s equally uninspiring, equally mundane and equally worshipped by a group of undeserving contestants. Join us next week as we get one step closer toward determining the true Reality Host Misfit.

(You can catch The Biggest Loser on NBC each Tuesday at 8pm EST. America’s Next Top Model airs on UPN Wednesdays at 8pm EST.)