George Best, arguably the greatest British soccer player of all time, once said of David Beckham: "He cannot kick with his left foot, he cannot head a ball, he cannot tackle, and he does not score many goals. Apart from that, he's all right."

So begins Aleksandar Hemon's utterly amazing article in yesterday's New Republic, conservatively titled, "Why David Beckham Sucks." Hemon then goes on to chronicle David Beckham's lackluster soccer career, noting his minimal achievements and sporadic successes, and ultimately characterizes him as underwhelmingly mediocre. At least, from a technical standpoint.

And while the author isn't afraid to chastise Beckham in order to bring home his point ("The pressure of having to prove that he was one of the Real greats made him play like an occasionally good player, as he has been for most of his life") fundamentally, the article actually has less to do with Beckham himself and more to do with what he represents, namely: a pre-packaged celebrity athlete who compensates for his minimal talent with undeniable good looks, a photogenic tits-on-a-stick wife, and—as Hemon calls it—"brand-name celebrity aura."

'Whoa, Hemon, why don't you tell us what you really think?' we said to ourselves, which is still way less weird than murmuring aloud, like some sort of crazy person (or even a person who you think is crazy, but is actually just wearing a hands-free headset). And, Hemon, despite not having actually heard our (unspoken!) request, was nonetheless happy to oblige.

"The Beckhams' move to California should perhaps be of interest to a tired anthropologist studying the American penchant for turning moronic mediocrity into profitable celebrity—but never, ever to a soccer fan," Hemon writes. "For a true fan prefers watching the lesser celebrities who can use both of their feet, head the ball, and tackle; those players who score goals and do the unfashionable work of winning."

Which (we think!) is probably just his long, convoluted way of saying, "Good luck with the L.A. Galaxy, Dave. I'm sure you'll knock em' dead."