Alright, we know this is coming a bit after the fact, but here's your slightly tardy (but still "en pointe") weekly Dirt recap. After all, better late than never, right?

This past episode did not feature the infamous Cox/Aniston makeout scene, although it did boast some sort of a murder mystery about a pregnant cheerleader. Most noteworthy, however, was the guest-appearance of Pee Wee Herman (who managed to restrain himself from, uh, going anywhere near his package) and the raunchy sex scene in the limo, when Lucy Spiller mounts Holt and finally discovers why vibrators are only a woman's second-best friend.

Also, the schizo guy keeps on fucking up and Julia's become a drugged out mess, which we'd care about if we had even slight feelings towards her character.

Read on for the extended recaps, and find out what made our reviewers tick (or ticked off) this week.

Says Tabloider No. 1:

And today's chapter:

Stop the presses: I actually laughed out loud at last night¹s Dirt. (And no, I wasn¹t laughing at the show.)

What had me in stitches was the stunt casting of Adrianne Curry and Chris Knight, who had a jolly old time poking fun at themselves for relentlessly exposing their lives for the masses.

In real life (which I guess is a relative term), Adrianne (the first winner of America¹s Next Top Model) and Chris (of The Brady Bunch fame) have forged a made-for-tabloid-heaven romance, meeting on The Surreal Life, then chronicling their relationship and eventual wedding on My Fair Brady.

So on Dirt, they park themselves in editrix Lucy Spiller¹s office, and giddily brainstorm ideas for coverage in her tabloid. 'We¹re completely flexible on the story,' Chris promises Lucy. How about a ménage a trois that turns into a happy "thrupple?" A lurid sex tape that gets stolen—but not by a Mexican, cautions Chris, because "we don¹t want to be racist."

They were a riot—especially when Chris reveals his secret longing to become "Christine"—and bless them for it.

Unfortunately, the rest of the show was all about putting damaged Lucy on the couch, and it¹s such a bore. Someone just call Dr. Phil, and put her out of her misery. We¹re beaten over the head yet again (and again and again) with the pseudo-psychological rationale for Lucy¹s evil ways—she¹s forever trying to solve the mystery of her dad¹s suicide.

Pity Paul Reubens—they trotted poor Pee Wee out as a hard-bitten, and, of course, alcoholic reporter (are reporters ever tee-totallers?) who alone can see through her. When she gets obsessed with the murder of a 15-year-old teen, Dr. Pee Wee plays therapist, reminding us that she was 15, just like the murder victim, when her dad died. 'This isn¹t going to tell you why your father killed himself,' he cautions. Deep stuff ‹ about as thin as the pages of Star magazine.

As for the supposed murder mystery, the producers of Law & Order have nothing to worry about. Even Britney Spears could guess whodunnit from the first scene.

Actually, the real mystery is Lucy¹s split personality, which veers wildly from a venom-spewing vixen to the sensitive single girl who¹s just misunderstood. Take her sex life: The "previously on" clips reminded us helpfully that she can only climax with the help of her vibrator. But when she climbs on top of rising star Holt McClaren in the back of her limo, she gets off spectacularly without any battery-operated assistance.

I guess we¹re supposed to be happy for her. But the poor guy? He ended up puking up maggots.

Says Tabloider No. 2:

Those damn Internet bloggers are so crafty! What’s a magazine editor to do when her money shots are already splashed across the web for every celeb-obsessed plebe to see? Go uncover the secret life of a dead cheerleader…HOORAY!!! Save the cheerleader, save the cover!

Lucy needs to get the dirt on a small town murder victim so she calls in the best of the best—Pee Wee—the man who taught her everything and the reigning champ of getting the scoop out of every glory-seeking Podunk resident. So she sends Willa up with Pee Wee for a little mentoring.

Let’s talk Pee Wee for a few minutes: he was actually pretty good. No, really. At first I thought it was bad acting and then I realized…ha…this isn’t House and I know this creepy reporter guy. Weird, bloated, “delivers lines” instead of speaking…yes, I’ve worked with him before but I think he had an English accent. So Pee Wee gets an A- from me.

Back to the story, it’s really complicated so let me just spell it out for you to make things that much easier. While Pee Wee is trying to convince different townsfolk to be the “leading man,” in his story (which I swear, I have heard these words before and yes, it was in an editorial meeting somewhere…in another time…in another place…they’re all characters…yes, yes). Willa ends up befriending the dead cheerleader’s best friend – the dead cheerleader’s creepy and really friendly best friend. Don comes up to Podunk to take some pictures but gets the wrong shots…AGAIN! This time he gets shots of the local minister (who also happens to be the best friend’s father – confused yet). Well, as Pee Wee is chasing down leads and paying off the local medical examiner, Willa walking getting deeper and deeper into crazy forest with best friend (this girl is nuts with the memorabilia and pictures, really).

SEX BREAK IN HOLLYWOOD! I never really found Holt to be that sexy…until this episode’s little sex romp! Backseat of a limo – you know the kind – quick and dirty, you think about it the next morning and you get that guilty smile on your face….yep, you know the kind ‘cause you’re thinking about it right now! Whoever the actor is, now, I want him. I do. And you can thank Courteney Cox for that (you young, fine actor, you). Life may start imitating art if they keep this up.

What to watch for in this scene: Lucy seems to lose about 20 years off her face once the sex was over – AMAZING what a little lovin’ can do for the complexion.

BACK TO THE SERIOUS SHIT…
Pee Wee saves the day and the cover story is there – the cheerleader was PREGNANT!!! OMG! Can you believe it? Yes, well she was. And so when poor Willa has to go back to the best friend about this terrible story – best friend wanted fluff and look at this – pregnant – she was saving herself for marriage - imagine Willa’s surprise when best friend goes into some sort of teenage trance and announces she was the one who killed the cheerleader. Yeah, well, she was pissed that minister daddy was paying more attention to that little whore than his own daughter. Plus, that crazy bitch thought she could get a Dirrt Now cover story out of the murder…ahh kids these days!

Oh yeah - and Julia is a drugged out whore. I'm so over her.