• FEMA apologizes for holding a (fake) news conference in California to discuss the (real) wildfires.

• Breaking: Ellen and Portia are still together! Which is to say they haven’t broken up. Yet.

• Scarlett Johansson gave her boyfriend Ryan Reynolds one of her teeth on a chain. Fortunately, it was gold-plated! Which makes it creepy rather than just plain gross.

• William Shatner will, unfortunately, not be cast in the new Star Trek movie on account of being 20 years too old. Thankfully, he’s handling the disappointment with the utmost grace and maturity.

• Not a headline from The Onion: “The star - real name Calvin Broadus - was due to be presented with a proclamation by a representative from Mayor Gavin Newsom’s Office of Criminal Justice during the rapper’s performance at the Exotic Erotic Ball on Friday.”

• Is a headline from The Onion: “Report: Everyone In Hollywood Great Friends.” Sigh. It’s funny, because it’s true!