We devoted our morning to the desperate search of Christopher Hitchens' Vanity Fair article which promised to teach us all about the history of the blowjob. Ok, not exactly, but we were awfuly interested in reading the article, As American As Apple Pie in which the writer discusses the patriotism of sucking dick.

Basically, Hitchens tells us how the blowjob started, and answers the age old question, to blow or to suck? by defnining Souffler ("to blow") and fellatio ("to suck"). But, his analysis is specifically on the blowjob in America. Hitchens makes sure to fully stereotype sex, examine this subject from a strictly heterosexual male view, praise pornography, and objectify women to the fullest all in one essay. He did throw in a few examples of guy on guy as well (using the term "faggoty") but immediately turned away from the subject with discomfort to focus on the straight man's peril of not being able to give himself oral pleasure.

Well done, Hitch. After the jump, our full (slightly feminist and reactionary) take on this less than informative and wholly disappointing essay. Oh, and we used some of the PG 13 quotes the Daily News wouldn't print.

Hitchens begins his analysis of head in America with an attempt to identify the origin of the word "blowjob."

The crucial word "blowjob" doesn't come into the American idiom until the 1940s, when it was (a) part of the gay underworld and (b) possibly derived from the jazz scene and its oral instrumentation. But it has never lost its supposed Victorian origin, which was "below-job" (cognate, if you like, with the now archaic "going down").

There is, Hitchens decides, something distinctive about oral sex in America. Bill and Monica aside, Hitchens concludes that Americans embrace the act of going down (on guys) with more vigor and less shame than other cultures. He concludes not only that US girls are easy,

And such a kiss on the first date is not now considered all that "fast." America was not the land of birth for this lavish caress, but it is (if I may mix my anthems) white with foam from sea to shining sea. In other cultures, a girl will do "that" only when she gets to know and like you. In this one, she will offer it as a baiser as she is making up her mind.

but that they are just a bunch of mouths walking around waiting for some guy to come up and shove it in there. A theory that is likely making any parent regret the thousands of dollars they spent on their young daughter's braces.

when any sweet American girl smiled at me, I was at once bewitched and slain by the warm, moist cave of her mouth, lined with faultless white teeth and immaculate pink gums and organized around a tenderly coiled yet innocent tongue. Good grief!

He did, obviously, leave out the fact that some women look upon a bj with the same disdain reserved for scrubbing floors, and would likely prefer to strap on the knee pads for the latter. Oh, Maureen Dowd, where are you when we really need you?

As American as Apple Pie [Christopher Hitchens, Vanity Fair]
Earlier: Christopher Hitchens Prefers American Head