Over the weekend, we sent Mollygood editor Cord Jefferson to Las Vegas for the opening of The Palazzo, the new hotel and casino from The Sands Corp., which also operates The Venetian. Cord pulled down levers, sheets, and a few stories to tell as part of his stay. And while he already shared some of his trip on our celebrity site, he sent this extra goodness in just for us.

On the final day of press happenings at the Palazzo Resort and Casino’s opening weekend, reporters from around the country were invited to tour the Canyon Ranch SpaClub, the Palazzo’s offshoot of the wellness brand made famous by intoxicated celebrities. I was tired and am largely uninterested in wellness, but I felt obligated to attend the tour because it was one of the few events I could make (and because earlier someone had sent the concierge to my room with an aromatherapy kit).

Our guide, a smallish woman, tremendously nice in the way that people employed by casinos are, waited patiently as journos – many of whom appeared to share my lack of interest in health – trickled into the facility, which requires its own floor of the hotel in order to contain its reported 134,000 square feet. I introduced myself to a woman standing next to me who was from Los Angeles and whose name I forgot; she appeared to lack interest in me. When the tour started, I moved away from her toward the rear of the group.

We moved from amenity to amenity like note-scribbling, doodling cattle. Here was a massage table, there was a sauna, here was another massage table. The decor matched the whole of the resort: Ameripean in earth tones. The spa’s restaurant, the Canyon Ranch Grill, promises to be the go-to for any guest who may have overdosed on butter the previous night at the hotel’s French steakhouse, Morels. The SpaClub itself is the one of the only guaranteed smoke-free environments at the Palazzo. I grew more tired when someone asked if there would be hot stone massages (there will). The term “water therapies” was used. I hoped that meant enemas.

“We’d like our guests to enjoy a healthy stay at the Palazzo,” the guide said at the conclusion of the tour. A graying man next to me was already plucking a Camel out of his pack.

The SpaClub offers a clean environment, and its clients will probably find it a very relaxing place, but the tour, like every tour in the whole world, was unbearable if one had any desire at all to be elsewhere. I wanted to be poolside with a daiquiri or watching a Diana Ross concert.

The Palazzo’s pool is still under construction. And I was not invited to watch Diana Ross perform later that evening.