Ever heard people throw around famous directors’ names and think “What if there was a way to make short, pithy references to their cinematic masterpieces without actually having to sit through “Battleship Potemkin?” Fortunately, now there is! We’ve dispatched Intern Anastasia to brave the subtitles—and the pretentious clerks at Kim’s Video—so you can sound cultured at dinner parties.

It’s 6 A.M. You’re hunched over some dude’s coffee table in Bushwick, finishing the last of the Bolivian marching powder. The sunlight coming through the loft windows is burning your eyes. Something lower, physiologically, is also burning. Looking at the pile of spandex and gold lamé on the floor, you cringe. You reach for your vintage Ray-Bans, and wonder how you got here.

You think it started at that roof party, when you made a well-timed reference to Blue Velvet…

Ah, Blue Velvet—a David Lynch classic beloved by hipsters, pretentious film students, and pretentious hipster film students alike. It follows Jeffrey Beaumont (a young, presumably ED-free Kyle MacLachlan), as he uncovers the seedy underbelly of his hometown of Lumberton, North Carolina. We first realize we’re not in Pleasantville anymore when Jeffrey finds a severed human ear in a field. He brings it to the local police, who confirm that “Yes, that’s a human ear all right.” Also gross: It was cut off with scissors. Ick.

Not content to leave things to the authorities, Jeffrey visits a detective’s house to discuss the ear incident in further detail. While there, he meets the detective’s daughter, Sandy (Laura Dern with some really unfortunate hair). They go on a romantic nighttime walk, where they keep talking about that fucking ear. Sandy takes him to the Deep River apartment complex, and says a nightclub singer named Dorothy Vallens (Isabella Rossellini) lives there—obvs, she’s somehow also connected to the ear situation.

The next day, Jeffrey gets all “Nancy Drew: Girl Detective,” and sneaks into Dorothy’s apartment. Sandy waits in the car downstairs, which I guess makes her Nancy’s obligatory fat friend, Bess. Anyway, Sandy’s supposed to honk four times when she sees Dorothy walk up, but unfortunately, Jeffrey can’t hear her because he’s busy taking a piss.

He hides in the closet, but Dorothy hears him making noise and grabs a knife from the kitchen. She orders him to come out and undress, then fellates him at knifepoint (Ed: Because really, that’s the only way a man would ever agree to a no-strings-attached blow job from Isabella Rossellini). Then, hearing a knock at the door, Dorothy forces him back into the closet. In walks Frank Booth (a creepier than usual Dennis Hopper). Frank huffs some amyl nitrate through a facemask, then rapes Dorothy while screeching “Mommy! Mommy! Baby likes to fuck!” Aw, a family man!

We're kidding, of course. He’s obviously a horribly disturbed psychopath. Jeffrey eventually finds out that Frank has kidnapped Dorothy’s husband and son, and cut off her husband’s ear (yes, THE ear!). Also, Jeffrey starts sleeping with Dorothy (though he’s also inconveniently dating Sandy).

Frank doesn’t like Jeffrey moving in on his territory, so he visits Dorothy’s apartment one night and takes them both on a “joyride.” They end up at a brothel run by Frank’s friend, Ben. Frank, always a gentleman, asks Jeffrey what kind of beer he likes. “Heineken,” he says. Frank responds, “Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!” (He’s so trucker-hat-era hipster!) Then Ben, in a ruffled shirt and pancake makeup, lip-syncs “In Dreams” into a light bulb, until Frank stops him and says it’s time for another "ride."

They drive out to the middle of nowhere and Frank huffs more amyl nitrate, slathers on some lipstick and kisses Jeffrey while hissing “pretty, pretty, pretty.” He tells him to stay away from Dorothy or “I’ll send you a love letter, straight from my heart, fucker! You know what a love letter is? It’s a bullet from a fucking gun, fucker!” Well holy shit goddamn fuck! Ass!

The next morning, Jeffrey wakes up bloody in a field, and decides maybe he should tell the police about the whole kidnapping/rape/assault thing. He explains everything to Sandy’s dad, who says they’ll investigate and tells him to stay out of it. And he does, until he comes back from a date with Sandy and finds a naked, bloody Dorothy on Sandy’s lawn. Dorothy tells him she loves him, and that he “put his disease in me.” Sandy is horrified. But they’ve got bigger problems than STDs—Frank still has Dorothy’s son, and she wants Jeffrey to save him.

So. Jeffrey goes to Dorothy’s apartment to find Frank, and sees that Dorothy’s husband has been shot in the head. He hides in the closet, and when Frank opens the door, Jeffrey shoots him in the face. Finally, Jeffrey and Sandy end up together, and Dorothy’s reunited with her son!

Pfft, typical Hollywood ending.