Your daily dose of schadenfreude: A bartender at Socialista, the bar Ashton Kutchner had his 30th birthday, has hepatitis A.
The disease is spread through food and water, which means A-listers like Bruce Willis, Gwyneth Paltrow, Madonna, Kutcher and Demi Moore could have been exposed to the A-version of the hepatitis.

After a vaccine, everyone should be okay. And after this small scare, they can go back to their carefree life of adoration and riches.

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• Leelee Sobieski wears underwear because she’s a class act. Hollywood Tuna puts a can of tuna fish over vag because they are too.

• Maroon 5 the David Sedaris circa Me Talk Pretty One Day of the modern music, performs on TRL. Related, last night at a gym at 23rd & Park, we overheard two girls talking about the spinning classes in Syracuse. We were left to contemplate whether they were actual people or just living stereotypes.

• Britney Spears has multiple personalities? Definitely maybe. Whatever, can we got off suicide watch? It’s kind of depressing.

• Stars are just like us: Here’s a picture of Bruce Willis picking something up. Gravity gets us all.

• On the other hand, Amy Winehouse stops by McDonalds, coked out of her mind, and after attending her husband’s hearing today, which was nothing like our morning.

• Clay Aiken is creepy looking. Just saying the facts.

Congratulations, Rumer Willis. The spawn of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis will be Miss Golden Globe 2008.

While it might not seem like a big deal that Rumer Willis will be handing “you’re probably going to win the Oscar” awards, E! insists that it is. And if E! doesn’t know about these things, who would?

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• Vivica A. Fox didn’t just wake up one morning, pound a few drinks and decide to get behind the wheel. Racism made her do it!

• Bruce Willis apparently enjoys flirting with twenty-something model types while his daughter, Rumer watches. Kinky!

• Usher knocks up his fiancee, Tameka Foster. Naturally, Usher’s mom, and ex-manager (thanks to Foster!) must be understandably thrilled.

• Despite being physically attractive and sounding like a phone sex operator, Ivanka Trump may nonetheless have some trouble finding a suitor willing to accept The Donald as an inlaw.

• Brittany Murphy claims she and her ex-boyfriend are being stalked by a mysterious kidnapper who occasionally moonlights as a U.S. immigration authorities worker.

• Brooklyn State Assembly member apparently refuses to accept his big, gay son.

• Rose McGowan heats up the cover of Arena magazine. That chick is like leave-your-wife-on-the-set-of-Grindhouse hot!

• Angelina Jolie finds it easier to talk when she’s naked.

• Bruce Willis confesses he used to smoke weed. Which still doesn’t explain why he grossly makes out with Courtney Love whenever he’s drunk.

• In spite of all her efforts, Britney Spears truly is as dumb as a coaster.

• The more Cameron Diaz’s illusionist boyfriend has to say, the more we wish he’d just make himself disappear with a wave of his magic wand.

• Paris Hilton thinks Sarah Silverman is a heinous bitch. And, for once, we totally agree!

• Also, Paris’ less famous (but equally unempoyed!) brother gets mugged near Penn Station while the bouncers from Stereo point at him and laugh.

• Cuba Gooding Jr. saved a guy’s life, then sent himself to bed without dinner.

• After a long-term relationship with beer-bellied Vince Vaughn, whoever would have pegged Jennifer Aniston for a modelizer?

• Bruce Willis credits Will Smith with helping him to accept ex-wife Demi Moore’s relationship with Ashton Kutcher. In exchange, Willis conveniently agrees to forget about the time a gangly, lean-muscled Smith tried to convince us he was Mohammad Ali.

• In between getting fake engaged and showing off her “straight off the rack” rack, The Hills‘ Heidi Montag has also found ample time to stalk former bestie Lauren Conrad.

• There’s nothing quite like hearing Diane Sawyer muse about McG’s “life-size” male nudes on a lazy Thursday afternoon.

• Time omits George W. Bush from this year’s list of “100 Most Influential People In The World.” However, Tyra Banks, Simon Fuller and Sascha Baron Cohen all still manage to make the cut.

• Screech has a nervous breakdown. Of the televised variety, of course.

• Cindy Adams defends Alec Baldwin, says his ex (Kim Basinger) has “a tenuous hold on reality.” Kind of like a certain aging gossip columnist we know!

• And this just in, from Onion sports: “Manny Ramirez asks Red Sox if he can work from home.” Fatty.

• Bruce Willis steers the yacht while his famous wife suck face with her younger, hotter move star hubby. Isn’t Hollywood funny?

• Fort Lauderdale gays are instructed there’s no parking in the Red Zone.

PERENNIAL lover Bruce Willis, who leaves no moan unturned, turned his attention-deficit disorder to Courtney Love. He’s 52, she’s 42, and whenever was his birthday they discovered one another and are now sort of seeing one another. Set your clocks.

–Cindy Adams, making us vomit a little bit in our mouths with yesterday’s column.

• John Travolta and his Scientologist publicist Paul Bloch insist the actor is promoting Hairspray on Good Morning America simply because they asked first. It’s has nothing to do with the Today show (where he castmates are appearing) and that Tom Cruise interview. Nothing.

• J. Lo’s camp denies any notion of a split with Marc Anthony.

• Willa Ford set to play the rich, big-breasted blonde who recently died.

• Joe Francis indicted on two counts of tax evasion. Apparently the $3.78 million spent on his home in Punta Mita, Mexico, was not a valid business expense.

• Pink is suffering from the Dixie Chick’s effect.

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Haven’t picked up Jody ‘Babydol’ Gibson’s book yet? Well, fortunately for you, she’s given out a couple of free previews and here’s what she had to say:

On Bruce Willis:
He was well-endowed “hottie” who liked to party with five girls at once.

On Ben Affleck:
He was coked up out of his mind, only wanted one girl at a time. (Prude!)

On Heidi Fleiss:
She had sex with a German Shepherd. Seriously.

Plus, Tommy Lasorda is bad in the sack, and Sly Stallone got it on in Planet Hollywood. And so on, and so forth.

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When you’re done talking about Hollywood “It” madam Heidi Fleiss, it’s time to turn your attention to Jody “Babydol” Gibson, the “California Dreamin’” prostitution chieftess whose 2000 arrest threatened to unleash the celebrity names in her clientele. But those names never surfaced, since all publicly available evidence in the case had the identities of the johns redacted. That was then.

But now, after all of Gibson’s appeals have expired, her trick book has been unsealed — and the names of Bruce Willis, Tommy Lasorda, Last Action Hero producer Steven Roth, former Texas lieutenant governor Ben Barnes (who claimed to have helped the sitting president enter the Air National Guard to avoid Vietnam service), and Sex Pistols guitarist Steve Jones are all in the public record.

It’s also worth mentioning: Gibson has a book, Secrets of a Hollywood SuperMadam, that comes out on Thursday. It also names the names.

Naturally, everyone is denying any affiliation with Babydol. (Well, except Jones, where officially it’s a “maybe.”) Through his attorney Marty Singer, Bruce Willis says he’s never met the woman. Lasorda’s camp is aghast Gibson would “accuse” him of such behavior. And Roth – who didn’t exactly deny it – answered the phone with a “Is that right?” and hung up.

As for Barnes? He directed all questions to the White House.

• Courtney Love takes to the internet with an anonymous screenname…and still can’t find herself a date. And here you thought online dating was just for losers and crazies!

• Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady possibly dating? Possibly to make beautiful, beautiful babies together??

• Hugh Hefner congratulates Pam Anderson on divorcing Kid Rock; Pam continues to fuel rumors that Borat was responsible for the split.

• In their continuing effort to befriend new and easily persuadable celebs, Tom and Katie spent the Globes after-party whispering conspiratorially with J.Lo and Marc Antony.

• Drew Barrymore grossly made out with Bruce Willis at Prince’s Golden Globes after-party, giving hope to men over 50 everywhere.

• Bruce Willis has a ton of ideas. He swears. [R&M]

• A day in the life of Lindsay Lohan never complete without a trip to the hospital. This time it wasn’t exhaustion or asthma, though … just her being a klutz and/or drunk. [Access Hollywood]

• Nicole Richie holds food up to her face, paparazzi takes pictures. Let’s just be grateful they don’t follow her into the bathroom to see it come up the other way. [Mollygood]

• John Mayer prefers his publicity stunts to include thousands of voicemails from strangers … as opposed to rumors that he’s dating the most undatable girl in Hollywood. [NYM]

• Even in Ben Affleck’s world, the idea of him winning a “Best Actor” award is completely inconceivable. [Us]

• Here are 15 of the New York Post’s 25 Sexiest New Yorkers. We guess those tens we slipped Col Allen last week weren’t enough to get us on the list. [NYP]

• Life & Style launched their celeb tabloid blog under the direction of Dorothy Cascerceri. Noelle Hancock was last seen polishing her boxing gloves. [L&S]

• Maybe George Clooney should lay off Bruce Willis. At least Bruce’s kids are legit. [Gatecrasher]

• Rich people are furious over of the threat of roasting meat infiltrating their neighborhood. Don’t you know how hard it is to starve yourself when they’re a pig spinning on a pit outside your house? [NYM]

• Why doesn’t Tom Cruise just take the award? It’s probably the last one he’ll ever get. [People]

• Courteney Cox and David Arquette go for baby number two. Maybe they’ll let Jennifer Aniston have one? [People]

• Uma Thurman doesn’t need to care about her director’s sexual assault charges. She has the power of the samurai and the understanding that guys just hit on her a lot. [Page Six]

• Comeon, Bruce Willis is a nice guy. He doesn’t deserve this kind of harsssment. Though we are a bit curious as to what’s on those private videos. [TMZ]

• Sh may not know who Tony Blair is, but Paris Hilton, like, she totally understands Princess Diana’s tormented life. [The Sun]

• Relax, relax. Marie Osmond did not try to kill herself. She “accidentally overdosed on pain medication.” Whatever, we somehow missed the first suicide attempt anyways. [AP]

• Tori Spelling claims that her hubby’s ex-wife is pretty sad. Yet, Tori’s acting career is somehow even more pathetic. [Page Six]

• Nobody gives a fuck that Katie Couric left the Today show. Good luck, CBS. [ABC]

• Remember that paparazzo who claimed Bruce Willis is the reason he chipped a tooth? Yeah, Bruce is suing. He would like it very much if we didn’t label him a badass. [TMZ]

• When Kate Beckinsale is breastfeeding, watch out. That woman can shoot milk like you’ve never seen. [Sun]

• Why would you write a “tell-all” about Tom Cruise if you didn’t have anything to tell? Seriously, can’t he just hit up that albino monk for info? [The Awful Truth]

We’re not sure when this commercial was made, or when it aired, but we do know this: It’s Bruce Willis schilling for Eneos fuel in Japan. But more importantly: It’s Bruce Willis schilling for Eneos fuel in Japan while waving around a gas pump that shoots out lightning.

• By “Columbia” Bruce Willis meant “the bathroom stall at Bungalow Kate Moss and Lindsay Lohan just walked out of.” [R&M]

• We feel the best way to respect Bernard LaCoste’s memory is by passing a law forbidding Kevin Federline from ever wearing the alligator logo. Ever. [NYT]

• Paris Hilton is still tramping around. But because she ran out of semi-famous people, she’s trapping guys who nobody’s ever heard of. (Makes it a little hard to be obsessed.) [The Scoop]

• Sorry Mariah Carey, Louis Vuitton only hires models that are smaller than their bags. [SFG]

• Cindy Adams has resorted to taking diet tips from the crypt. [Cindy Adams]

• Now that she’s old, and a mom, nobody wants to see Madonna make obscene gestures. Or dance around in a leotard as tight as her face. [MSNBC]

• Don’t expect this from us, but Jay Leno apologizes for offending one of his fans. What, shootings aren’t funny anymore or something? [AP]

• Run for your free Starbucks, just don’t say NYC never gave you anything. Like, more pointless lines to wait in. [NYO]

• Somebody who spells ‘don’t’ ‘do’nt’ probably doesn’t know shit. Let alone the state of Will Ferrell’s existence. Last we heard, he was in Canada, winking at stalkers. [Defamer]

• We really wish Bruce Willis was sleeping with Petra Nemcova. Maybe he wouldn’t be so cranky all the time. [Page Six]

• What is a greater Catholic sin, getting pregs before marriage or having a Scientology wedding? [R&M]

• Great. Courtney Love was keeping the prices down in SoHo, but now that she’s gone, 30 Crosby Street won’t be a crack house anymore. [NYO]

• Paris Hilton is banned from going within 100 yards of Brian Quintana. Unless, of course, they’re at a party, in which case universal law requires everyone stay the fuck away from her. [People]

• Good thing we have Lloyd Grove to protect celebrities from invasive overexposure. [Lowdown]

• Bruce Willis is willing to do whatever it takes to rid Columbia of drugs. Even if it means going there and snorting up all the cocaine himself. [The Scoop]

• Power couple Uma Thurman and Andre Balazs have called it quits. Just as well, though — his Chateau Marmont has basically turned into a brothel. [Page Six]