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Cable Quotables / Jossip
Cable Quotables
— Fri, May 18, 2007 —

Today, some of our nation's finest discuss the three lesser known aspects of the American Dream: fights, freaks and porn. On hand to make sense of it all is the indefatiguable Intern Wendy, who chronicles everything from Joe Scarborough's caffeine addiction to Dennis Miller's midget fetish to Danny Bonaduce's idea of divine justice. Enjoy!

• ???I???m going to let you guys go at it. I???m going to just have a little bit of Starbucks.??? Joe Scarborough, not letting a spontanoues round of fisticuffs interrupt his decaf grande no-foam half-soy latte, Scarborough Country, May 14

• ???If you want to interview a midget crackhead, fine.??? Dennis Miller, approving next week's guestlist, The O???Reilly Factor, May 16

• ???I mean, you could just smell the mustiness of that rhetoric. I mean, it turns me on still.??? Tucker Carlson, showing off his "kinky" side, Tucker, May 16

• ???It gives me chills. There is something faintly obscene about Fudgie the Whale.??? Tucker Carlson, exploring the dark side of a Carvel ice cream cake, Tucker, May 16

• ???Britney, I really do think???I don???t think she fits in the Lindsay Lohan category. I barely think she fits into a category. As a matter of fact, I think they should just free Paris Hilton and shoot Lindsay Lohan and just call it a draw.??? Danny Bonaduce, solving the world's pop tart crisis once and for all, Scarborough Country, May 16

Read More: Cable Quotables
— Tue, May 15, 2007 —

Occasionally, there's some unifying factor in Cable Quotables. Like, for instance, a barrage of Anna Nicole Smith jokes or crazy Nancy Grace quotes. This time, however, there's an impressive array of pundits, posturing and pop culture. In the words of Intern Wendy, "the only way to describe it is...'indescribable.'"

• ???To be fair, I have actually seen the movie, and I will say that, in it, just like now, she looks like one, big, giant carrot. She is so orange, it???s unbelievable.??? Cecily Knobler, on the real fallout of Lindsay Lohan???s partying, Scarborough Country, May 10

• ???What I never understood about the Wonder Twins, one would be, like, form of the eagle. And then the other one was, like, form of water, and yet, there was a bucket to carry the water in. No one was the bucket. Not even Gleek. I don???t???I don???t understand.??? Anderson Cooper, asking the hard-hitting questions, Anderson Cooper 360, May 10

• ???Do you think Johnny would have gone on Dancing With The Stars??????? Larry King, asking Billy Ray Cyrus if no-longer-living legend Johnny Cash was really just a D-lister at heart, Larry King Live, May 10

CONTINUED »
Read More: Cable Quotables
— Tue, May 8, 2007 —

In today's lovely Tuesday edition of Cable Quotables, Intern Wendy goes back to doing what she does best: taking ridiculous quotes out of context and reminding us that anyone with a chip on their shoulder, a strong political bias and an opinion about Paris Hilton can get their own talk show. So read on to find out what the talking heads are saying about Queen Elizabeth's penchant for light beer, the best place to score celebrity bling and how Glenn Beck really feels about our Simeon ancestors.

• ???I know you spent the day wondering, I wonder what Paris Hilton is up to? I know it is question that has been agitating me since breakfast, like a mosquito bite under my bathing suit.??? Tucker Carlson, scratching the itch that is Paris Hilton, Tucker, May 4

• ???I get all my medallions made by Jacob the Jeweller.??? Tucker Carlson, blinged by the best, Tucker, May 4

• ???She???s going to find herself up in one of those a hoity-toity boxes up in the suites with the fancy people, but if she really wants to impress the American people and leave an impression, she will go to the infield with the real people, drink some Budweiser and do some mudslides through the infield.??? Willie Geist, on how Queen Elizabeth II can bond with President Bush, Tucker, May 4

• ???I figure, why not just wipe out the entire human race by arming monkeys???sorry, sorry, simian-Americans???and that way, we can make everyone happy, the baby-haters and the monkey-lovers, you know???? Glenn Beck, addressing Roe v. Wade from a "Planet of the Apes" perspective, Glenn Beck, May 7

Read More: Cable Quotables
— Fri, May 4, 2007 —

Usually, we write the introductions for the biweekly installments of Cable Quotables. But today, we're going to let Intern Wendy speak for herself. So here's an excerpt from her latest email.

Ya know what's wonderful about life? Every time I think that I won't have any more material for the column (i.e, Sanjaya gets booted off AI, Heather Mills is kicked off Dancing With the Stars, Rosie leaves The View), along comes something else just as bad, if not worse. God Bless Porn and Hookers!

Wendy, sometimes its like you can read our minds.

• ???In some cultures the natives understand instinctively that when you say sex, Miss America and perverts, it???s time to perform the nightly ritual known as keeping tabs.??? Keith Olbermann, pervert expert, Countdown, May 1

• ???Should ABC news, just an outstanding news organization, really be doing the bidding of a hooker???? Joe Scarborough, jealous of
ABC???s ???special??? relationship with the D.C. Madam, Scarborough Country, May 1

• ???I was going to say, ah, the sex scandal we can all feel good about.??? Joe Scarborough, feeling warm all over, Scarborough Country, May 1

CONTINUED »
Read More: Cable Quotables
— Tue, May 1, 2007 —

Some of you are spending this Tuesday afternoon enjoying the great outdoors. Others are enjoying the classic O.C. episode currently playing on the Soap network. And for the rest of you, there's the Tuesday edition of Cable Quotables. Today, Intern Wendy finds out what happens when Rosie gets unleashed, Tucker Carlson wets himself and what Nancy Grace really wants to do with Sandy Bullock.

• ???She had a lot of problems with this animal. This woman???s an animal, and it???s not easy for Barbara to handle her.??? Donald Trump, on how Barbara Walters couldn???t housebreak Rosie O???Donnell, On the Record, April 25

• ???I mean, it was, you know, it was nice the charity thing, but screw the starving kids. Kick somebody off.??? Glenn Beck, pissed that American Idol helped children in need, Glenn Beck, April 26

• ???Does she want to marry her, live with her, have sex with her, make a movie with her, be her best friend, go shopping with her???? Nancy Grace, baffled as to why anyone would stalk Sandra Bullock, Nancy Grace, April 27

• ???Is it true you were in a hot tub when you watched the debates???? Roxanne Roberts, fantasizing about Tucker Carlson in a Speedo, Tucker, April 27

• ???Yes, imagine if they had caught him with the gerbil.??? Michael Musto, pondering Richard Gere's fate if he returns to India, Countdown, April 27

Read More: Cable Quotables
— Fri, Apr 27, 2007 —

In today's mostly Hannity & Colmes edition of Cable Quotables, Intern Wendy imagines the horror of a world without fat jokes, sympathizes with Bill O'Reilly in this time of loss and questions whether or not Justin Timberlake is really bringing SexyBack.

• ???Whenever we are short an item, we go to the Rosie file. It???s a sure thing for us. Although I do acknowledge the overkill.??? Bill O???Reilly, echoing our sentiments on Rosie O???Donnell's "voluntary" exit from The View, The O???Reilly Factor, April 23

• ???Do we have to fire everybody who makes any kind of racial comment???? Alan Colmes, not getting this equality thing, Hannity and Colmes, April 23

• ???Anyone can make fun of me. I don???t care.??? Sean Hannity, accepting the inevitable, Hannity and Colmes, April 23

• ???If we???re overweight, we can???t make fun of overweight people, we can???t make fun of people that are losing their hair. We can???t make fun ??? no more blond jokes, no more Irish jokes, no more jokes about anybody.??? Sean Hannity, realizing all his one-liners are gone, Hannity and Colmes, April 23

• ???Look at him. Look, he???s skinny. He???s scrawny. He can???t grow a [beard]. I mean, he???s a little weasel. This is sexy in 2007???? Joe Scarborough, who doesn???t think Justin Timberlake is bringing "SexyBack," Scarborough Country, April 23

— Tue, Apr 24, 2007 —

If you're trapped in front of your computer on this lovely Tuesday afternoon, at least take some solace in Tuesday's biweekly "Cable Quotables" roundup. Today, Intern Wendy scours the cable shows (and, um, her DVR) to find out how Joe Scarborough's 3 year-old blows off steam, what happens when Nancy Grace delivers a reality check and whether Sheryl Crow's toilet paper proposal actually took two-ply into consideration.

• ???I mean, we play [Kanye West's "Gold Digger"] full volume, even post-Imus, around our house and dance with our 3 ??-year-old girl.??? Joe Scarborough, giving us way too much insight into his domestic life, Scarborough Country, April 19

• ???Glenn, no offense, but you`re giving yourself way too much credit, dear friend, really. You`re giving yourself all types of power to create monsters out there.??? Nancy Grace, of all people, encouraging Glenn Beck to rein it in, Glenn Beck, April 19

• ???Man, that's some shoe.??? Nancy Grace, loving those stilettos, Nancy Grace, April 20

CONTINUED »
Read More: Cable Quotables
— Fri, Apr 20, 2007 —

Got those end of the week blues? Intern Wendy's here to help, and she recommends the Friday edition of Cable Quotables, plus her grandmother's chicken soup. In today's adventure, Wendy discovers the truth about Joe Scarborough's Nascar obsession, learns what Geraldo Rivera thinks about legalized prostitution and finds out how Richard Gere really feels about the abominable snowman.

• ???Good Lord. You know what? I???m going to go out and take a smoke. You guys talk among yourselves.??? Joe Scarborough, choosing nicotine over political debate, Scarborough Country, April 13

• ???I am sick and tired, as a southern white male, of being portrayed as a NASCAR-driving, barefooted, redneck, tent-revival-type guy who???s a racist??? Joe Scarborough, feeling the anguish of bigotry, Scarborough Country, April 13

• ???I used to be in the daytime talk show business. So if you do a story, a daytime talk show episode, that???s the prostitute and the mother of the prostitute and the grandmother who???s a prostitute, you have to know what you???re doing.??? Geraldo Rivera, pimping out his credentials, The O???Reilly Factor, April 13

• ???So Gere hightailed it out of India. He???s now in Tibet, where hopefully he will not smooch up the abominable snowman.??? Bill O???Reilly, pissed that Richard Gere is getting more action than he is, The O???Reilly Factor, April 17

Read More: Cable Quotables
— Fri, Apr 13, 2007 —

How Cable Correspondent Wendy managed to avoid nearly all things Imus in the week-end edition of Cable Quotables is a surprise to us. But certainly a welcome one, especially when it means we get to hear Dan Abrams make official pronouncements. He's so sexy when he's doing that.

• "I???m going to make a pronouncement right now as a general manager. Heather Mills will not be filling in for Joe Scarborough." —Dan Abrams, also taking Heather Mills out of the running for Don Imus' gig, Scarborough Country, April 9

• "I can???t out my finger on it, Tucker, but Hugh Hefner, Joe Scarborough, and Cheetah the chimp have something in common, but I don???t know exactly what it is." —Willie Geist, pondering evolution, Tucker, April 10

• "In fact, here at FOX we like him running things. It helps us, and we don't want anything to change." —John Gibson, Dan Abrams' biggest fan, The Big Story, April 10

• "It is a cry for help. I???m about to go off the air now and weep a little bit myself." —Joe Scarborough, pissed that Arnold Schwarzenegger got the "Pimp My Ride" gig instead of him. Scarborough Country, April 10

• "So we can now assume that there is a higher form of calling someone a ho and a lower form of calling someone a ho." —John Gibson, seeking advice from Snoop Dogg, The Big Story, April 10

Read More: Cable Quotables
— Wed, Apr 11, 2007 —

One of the favorite personalities in all of cable newsdom for Cable Newsdom Correspondent Wendy is, of course, Will Geist. He's the Tucker producer who seems to snag as much screentime as the bowtie-free host. And when he's waxing on colleague Rita Cosby, why wouldn't he be sat in front of the camera?

• "We do not want Rita to go, but if she had to go, we know she throws a good party. And you know who I met? Randy Jones, the original cowboy from the Village People. So that is . . . the best reason why you should have been there." —Willie Geist, dazzled by Rita Cosby's social circle, Tucker, April 2

• "But it will be ugly, it will be wild, and it will be tasteless. That is one thing you can be assured of definitely." —Willie Geist, eagerly anticipating the opening of the Girls Gone Wild restaurant chain, Tucker, April 2

• ???Now this seems a little ridiculous on its face, but if you look at the big picture, Sanjaya obviously someday is going to be sleeping under an underpass somewhere, and this little KFC lifetime supply might come in handy.??? —Willie Geist, pondering Sanjaya Malaker's future, Tucker, April 3

• "It was mainly church and Pez were the two things that we had on Easter . . . I was never whipped once by a stranger in a devil costume." —Willie Geist, hoping the Easter Bunny is a dominatrix, Tucker, April 4

• "He does not deserve a white suit, either, by the way. Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize are the only two who can pull that look off." —Willie Geist, dissing Sanjaya Malakar's fashion sense, Tucker, April 4

— Tue, Apr 3, 2007 —

In today's special Passover edition of Cable Quotables, Intern Wendy discovers which illegal drugs are nonetheless acceptable under Jewish law, learns Glenn Beck's true feelings about Kevin Federline's broken dream and what Hitler would say today if he had a EZ Pass sticker adorning the windshield of his Volkswagen Beetle.

• ???I despise ideologues masquerading as objective journalists.??? Bill O???Reilly, revealing the depths of his self-hatred, The O???Reilly Factor, March 29

• ???The advisory group says cannabis falls within the pea and bean family that is off limits during Passover. The good news though for drug users, Tucker, crystal meth and smack do not fall in the pea and bean category, so you are completely in the clear.??? Willie Geist, demonstrating a close familiarity with the fundamentals of kashrut Tucker, March 29

CONTINUED »
Read More: Cable Quotables
— Fri, Mar 30, 2007 —

In today's Friday afternoon addition of Cable Quotables Intern Wendy finds herself inundated with sound bytes on everything from Sanjaya's hair to Anderson Cooper's, um, "little tiny arm." So read on to find out whether Tucker Carlson likes The Chronic, how Mr. T. feels about the "pony-hawk," and why the Coop was underwhelmed by the Radio & TV Correspondence Dinner.

• ???He would not be the creepiest person in Great Britain, trust me.??? Tucker Carlson, raising a glass of gin and juice in honor of Snoop Dogg's upcoming voyage to England, Tucker, March 26

• ???Reach into a dolphin???s stomach? . . . Sure, if I could, but my arm???I???ve got a little, you know, little tiny arm.??? Anderson Cooper, sharing way too much about his anatomy, Anderson Cooper 360, March 28

• ???Now, I don`t know how familiar you are with methods and assessment of suicide, but rarely do you commit suicide with a long gun. So he goes and gets this high-powered rifle. He never kills himself. Then the wife, she`s so embarrassed, she`s going to kill herself. Didn`t happen. I guess she took an overdose of Tylenol.??? Nancy Grace, berating a depressed husband and wife team for their lack of 'follow through,' Nancy Grace, March 28

CONTINUED »
Read More: Cable Quotables
— Tue, Mar 27, 2007 —

In today's edition of Cable Quotables, Intern Wendy delves into the far-reaches of cable television to find out why Nancy Grace loves Knoxville, Tennessee, what gets Joe Scarborough ready for his close-up and how John Gibson stands on the subject of "fat lesbian vampire bat bullies." Read on!

• "Do you think people in the South, for instance, Knoxville, like murder more???more than people in New York???? Nancy Grace, contemplating a move to Tennessee, Nancy Grace, March 22

• ???Yes, [Rosie O'Donnell] is a lesbian. She says so. Yes, she is overweight, and she says that, too. And yes she hangs upside down like a vampire bat, but everybody draws the line at fat lesbian vampire bat bully." John Gibson, laying down the law on Rosie, The Big Story, March 23

• ???That???s my cue! Everyday idiots! Baby, I???m ready to go!??? Joe Scarborough, MSNBC team player, Scarborough Country, March 26

• ???He said it`s very common for people to sell their soul to Satan, and I agree with him, and I think that makes you at least Beelzebub.??? Nancy Grace, practicing her exorcism skills on David Kaplan, Nancy Grace, March 26

Read More: Cable Quotables
— Fri, Mar 23, 2007 —

In today's Friday edition of Cable Quotables, Intern Wendy once more combs the airwaves to remind us that not everyone deserves their very own talkshow. Today, she learns why Glenn Beck watches Dancing With The Stars, what Posh Spice can do do find herself an L.A. chick clique and whether Joe Scarborough's granny is hot...or not.

• ???So they knew all along there would be no flying legs. ABC, I was promised a leg falling off. That's false advertising. How dare you mislead this nation like that.??? Glenn Beck, realizing he may lose the Heather Mills betting pool, Glenn Beck, March 20

• ???Mark. I'm taking a look at Spector right now. It looks like he`s got a dragonfly lapel pin or some kind of a broach. Shades of Michael Jackson. Thank God he`s not in his pajamas.??? Nancy Grace, picturing Phil Spector with his pants on, Nancy Grace, March 20

More after the jump!

CONTINUED »
Read More: Cable Quotables
— Wed, Mar 21, 2007 —

It's time for a special Wednesday edition of Cable Quotables, where Wendy tackles the line between kinky and disgusting, discovers Nancy Grace's secret pot habit and Frederic Von Anhalt explains that baby Dannielynn may have been conceived during a passionate, no-strings-attached sexathon.

• ???I didn???t love her. You know, I mean, it was an affair. When you have an affair with a woman, you know, it???s not about love, it about affair, you know, it???s a fast affair. But it was no love. But I liked her, she was a very good friend, I liked her.??? Frederic Von Anhalt, justifying his pure, unadulterated lust for Anna Nicole Smith, On the Record, March 15

• ???Tucker, there is a fine line between kinky and disgusting.??? Bill Wolff, explaining how MSNBC makes its programming decisions, Tucker, March 16

• ???I???m going to read you the question, give you the, you know, choices. And then you don???t have a lot of time. This isn???t one of those dopey TV shows on, you know, NBC.??? Bill O???Reilly, Quizmaster From Hell, The O???Reilly Factor, March 19

• ???Well, I don`t want to use the word horrifying for smoking a joint. Of course, it`s clearly against the law. But I try to save horrifying for murder, child molestation, rape, arson, things like that.??? Nancy Grace, planning to light up on 4/20, Nancy Grace, March 20

• ???James Brown???you know what I thought? I thought the amount of time James Brown was out, he`s going to be shrunken down to such a size they should have buried him with Anna Nicole Smith like a tiny doll, you know, to give her some comfort.??? Dave Glover, ever-respectful of the recently deceased, Glenn Beck, March 20

Read More: Cable Quotables
— Fri, Mar 16, 2007 —

It's time for the Friday edition of Cable Quotables, and today Wendy's brought you a veritable schmorgasboard of pundit punchlines. Find out what Andersoon Cooper liked best about filling in for Regis, what Bill O'Reilly likes best about the Huffington Post and why Glenn Beck's torn between KFC and saving the environment.

• ???If I get to be 60 and don???t have an oxygen tank and am still working, I will be grateful.??? Tucker Carlson, comparing himself to 106 year old Larry King, Tucker, March 13

• ???I fiddle with my tie. I button, unbutton and rebutton my coat, and, of course, there???s that nervous laugh. It???s not even a laugh really. It???s like a chortle, like a chicken or something." Anderson Cooper, explaining the perils of working with Kelly Ripa, Anderson Cooper 360, March 14

• ???They???re the best couple since Jake and Heath, though only in this situation, would Simon be the butch one.??? Michael Musto, comparing Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell to the ???Brokeback Mountain??? guys, Countdown, March 14

• ???The far left blogs are the ???Girls Gone Wild??? of the political arena. I like that. I like that.??? Bill O???Reilly, hoping to see Rachel Sklar in her skivvies, The O???Reilly Factor, March 14

• ???If I had to choose Whoppers and a Prius or carrots and a Hummer, which would you do, because I`m only doing one???? Glenn Beck, debating the merits of fast food vs. global warming, Glenn Beck, March 15

Read More: Cable Quotables
— Tue, Mar 13, 2007 —

In today's edition of Cable Quotables, Intern Wendy watches her favorite political pundits and finds out why Bill O'Reilly hates penguin suits, who Joe Scarborough voted for on American Idol and why Ann Coulter should trade in her breakfast Wheaties.

• ???Even though I have to wear a tux, and I hate that, I am pleased to be going to this event. Nothing ridiculous about it, except the tux. I never get the tie. You know the tie???? Bill O???Reilly, who can???t dress himself, The O???Reilly Factor, March 8

• ???That certainly was not for a lack of Joe Scarborough speed dialing and incessant texting.??? Willie Geist, pondering why Antonella Barbra got kicked off American Idol, Tucker, March 9

• ???Has anybody looked at Randy Jackson lately? He sits right next to Paula Abdul, who if not intoxicated, has developed a rather serious speech impediment. And she sits next to an angry foreigner. The show could not be less racist. It`s the rainbow coalition.??? Danny Bonaduce, defending American Idol, Showbiz Tonight, March 9

• ???Is there a hooker protection program? I`m just saying.??? Glenn Beck, crusading to save prostitutes, Glenn Beck, March 12

• ???What was it, the girl needs some Prozac in her oatmeal, something like that.??? Roxanne Roberts, trying to think of a way to make Ann Coulter sane, Tucker, March 9

Read More: Cable Quotables
— Fri, Mar 9, 2007 —

In today's edition of Cable Quotables, Intern Wendy rounds up everything you missed while Rosie confessed to hanging herself upside down to alleviate her depression. And this time around we found out precisely how many times Nancy Grace has been knocked in the head, Dennis Miller's advice to convicted felon, Scooter Libby, and decide whether or not the Astro-Nut has a wrongful termination lawsuit on her hands.

• ???Another thing, it`s got to be the right kind of exercise program. It can`t be like a game of dodge ball, where a kid stands there and gets a ball thrown at their head. I`m speaking from personal experience about getting the ball thrown at your head.??? Nancy Grace, explaining why she???s nuts, Nancy Grace, March 5

• ???Oh, my God! Hi. You`re so teeny. Oh, my God! Oh, my God, she`s sitting next to me. I thought I would never meet her because I never committed a crime.??? Richard Simmons, surprised to find Nancy Grace small, hornless and without her red cape, Nancy Grace, March 5

• ???He might want to think about changing the name back from Scooter to Lewis before he goes into prison. I just don???t think that???s a nickname you want to take into the big house with you.??? Dennis Miller, giving advice to Lewis ???Scooter??? Libby, The O???Reilly Factor, March 7

• ???So she wears diapers and she threatens her boyfriend???s lover with a hammer, that doesn???t mean that she can???t fly a space shuttle.??? Tucker Carlson, explaining why Astro-Nut Lisa Nowak shouldn???t have been fired, Tucker, March 7

• ???Apparently, tourism is up there, by the way.Everybody???s looking for cheap wives.??? Willie Geist, praising Borat???s effect on Kazakhstan???s economy, Tucker, March 7

Read More: Cable Quotables

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