• Jessica Simpson and John Mayer are splitsville again. Which explains Jess’ recent, post-breakup loungewear fiasco.

• Hostel director Eli Roth frightens us with his giant, prosthetic penis.

• Jenna Elfman is surprisingly cool! Except for that whole ‘Crazy “Scientologist’ thing.

• “Reclusive novelist [Cormac McCarthy] appears on Oprah.” Related: J.D. Salinger promptly questions McCarthy’s so-called reclusivity; subsequently declares him to be a “phony” instead.

• David Blaine versus Criss Angel: who has the bigger magic wand?

• No one knows their real estate like oversized-sunglasses wearing Mary-Kate Olsen. Also, apparently, the New Yorker has gone tabloid.

That Tucker Carlson is always interested in a good sex tape – and will tell you on air – is no longer a surprise to Intern Wendy. That he and Rita Cosby are willing to read press releases from David Blaine’s PR machine still is.

• “There goes that wine and cheese viewing party I was having for my neighborhood.” Tucker Carlson, bummed that there’s no Britney Spears/Kevin Federline sex tape after all, Tucker, November 22

• “It’s a Third World, after all, it’s a Third World, after all…” Robin Williams, singing Disney World’s theme song if it were hit by Hurricane Katrina, Anderson Cooper 360, November 17

• “Rita Cosby, will she be in a cage?” Tucker Carlson, on the only way he’ll watch Rita Cosby, Tucker, November 21

• “Do you go to the bathroom?” Rita Cosby, asking David Blaine the only interesting question about his gyroscope stunt, Scarborough Country, November 21

• “I was just in Afghanistan and I brought back a Burka and I gave it to my mom.” Anderson Cooper, bringing mommy Gloria Vanderbilt a special gift, Anderson Cooper 360, November 17

First off, you all know that David Blaine did not hold his breath for nine minutes. He did not hold his breath for 8 minutes 58 seconds, either. He does, however have a doctor named “Dr. Krack” and somehow convinced the world that living in a bowl of water — fully able to breathe mind you — leads one to be able to hold his breath.

He was warned that he might die, have a stroke, or suffer nerve damage … but he paid no mind. Blaine attempted the Houdini like stunt from his aquarium, and came up gasping for breath.

Krack, who is also a free-diving expert, said Blaine was disappointed he didn’t set a new record. The stuntman was suffering from extreme fatigue, but did not appear to have sustained any brain damage, Krack said.

Honestly the guy who we heard yell, “he’s at 5 minutes and 43 seconds … he’s such a douche,” pretty much summed it up, but the douche did make it a few minutes longer. He finally quit his suicide attempt after 7 minutes 8 seconds. And he doesn’t have any more brain damage than he had yesterday.

Blaine Fails to Break Underwater Record in New York [Reuters via New York Times]

• When the fattest man to walk cross country finally gets to New York, he better have lost about 200 pounds if he actually wants to sit anywhere. [1010 Wins]

• It’s an arcade. In a bar. Dude, it’s just so Williamsburg. [Gothamist]

• The Post lets the terrorists know where the un-policed stations are now. Thanks for looking out for us, Rup. [NYP]

• Bloomberg wants to take down the NYC party train, one seven-seater party bike pedicab at a time. [NYT

• "The Brooklyn-born publicity magnet had planned to leave his bubble tonight, get wrapped in 150 pounds of chains - and then jump back in and hold his breath for nine minutes while escaping his bonds." How did we not already know David Blaine was from New York? It all makes so much more sense now. [NYDN]

• Artists trapped in a gallery? How could we pass that up? [TONY] (5/1-5/29)

• If we are going to watch David Blaine fail at just one of his stunts, it should be the one where he drowns in a fishtank. Until then, you can watch him practice. Yipee! (5/1-5/8)
[amNY]

• The best part about the Yeah Yeah Yeahs show is taking bets on how many skinny guys in black jeans get turned down by Karen O. (Wed. 5/3) [Oh, My Rockness]

• Have you ever seen your friend’s diary on the coffee table and resisted the temptation to open it up? Well then you’re a better person than we, and this event is your reward. (Thurs. 5/4) [Free NYC]

• The 5,000th Duane Reade is built. In place of the one and only Kim’s Video. [Gothamist]

• Everyone has a hard time in high school. Especially the girls who get attacked by Vampiras. [NYP]

• No animals were harmed in the construction of David Blaine’s fish tank. [NYM]

• You know the crazy lady with 87 cats that practices Wicca and chain smokes? This is New York’s. [NYT]

• Happy birthday, Empire State Building, happy birthday to you. Ok, fine, it’s a little weird to sing to a building … but at least we didn’t try to jump off of it. [NY1]