• Nicole Richie joins everyone over the age of 13 in making fun of Lizzy McGuire.

• As the FBI’s case against maybe-rapist David Copperfield grows stronger with every passing day, fellow illusionist Criss Angel is totally on the verge of conceding that his wand-toting rival just might be the Creepiest Magician Of Them All.

• Halle Berry attempts to divert attention away from her “Jewish people have funny noses” gaffe by waving her disconcertingly large boobs in everyone’s faces.

• Meanwhile, we keep hearing all this talk about Christina Aguilera’s “twins.” Come on, people. Is that really any way to refer to a pregnant lady’s funbags?

CONTINUED »

• The fat one from N’Sync tries to educate Britney on the art of fading into obscurity.

• Allow us to show you what your favorite celebrities will look like three plastic surgeries from now.

• Rumer Willis’ new peroxide-blond ‘do would look so much better if she was wearing one of her trademark ugly hats.

• Joel Madden may not have cheated on Nicole with Hilary Duff, but we’re guessing he at least ogled her funbags.

• Will Smith’s adorable son Jayden to star in the remake of Karate Kid that nobody wanted.

• After earning praise for her navy backless number at the Academy Awards, Hilary Swank takes another fashion risk by dressnig up as a Human X-Ray.

• Jilted ex Jennifer Aniston to turn her humiliating personal life into mediocre movie magic by starring in the pseudo-autobiographical film adaptation of “He’s Just Not That Into You.”

• Stick figure Teri Hatcher takes it all off for the Badgley Mischa. Presumably, because Vladamir Putin was unavailable.

• Shame on you, Chuck Norris. Both for having plastic surgery and for making us buy that worthless piece of crap known as the “Total Gym.”

• Is Suri Cruise the newest Baby Gap spokesmodel? But What would Xenu do??

• Despite popping out three children, Heidi Klum is still skinner than you’ve ever been. Ever.

• Hilary Duff stops taking her horse tranquilizers and goes on a bender. As a result, she shows up for work chubby and hungover.

• Diddy writes a not-nice song about ex-girlfriend Kim Porter. Which was probably a good move, seeing as women who let you bang Sienna Miller, ogle Jessica Biel and impregnate other women all while birthing and raising your own children are typically a dime a dozen.

• Annoying rich kids Brody Jenner and Spencer Pratt are in a big, douchey fight.

• Tweens given opportunity to overpay for tacky, American Idol inspired wardrobe.

• Hilary Duff reduces a 9 year-old girl to tears, presumably by forcing her to listen to her crappy new album. On repeat.

• It’s not that Eddie Murphy doesn’t have time to chase after his ex-girlfriends. It’s just that he’s sick and tired of supporting their designer shoe habits. Or, you know, their children out of wedlock.

• Is Liv Tyler married to a former homo? Or, should we be asking, ‘what’s the frequency, Gwyneth?’

• Creepy Scientologists have evolved beyond cupcakes.

• “Brad still loves Jen!” reports Star magazine. But it’s more of an “I’ll always care about you, but Angelina’s way less frigid in the sack” sort of love.

• Only Hilary Duff could take her clothes off for Maxim and have the resulting photo spread be both classy and boring.

• Those frickin’ Clay Aiken fans. It’s like they’re practically begging you to jam your foot on the accelerator and bump them from behind.

• An emaciated Courtney Love hits Rodeo Drive, flagged by her favorite mistake lovely daughter, Frances Bean.

• Carmen Electra: singlehandedly bringing “fuck-me boots” back.

• If you’d told us yesterday that Mariah Carey’s ass was hotter than Mandy Moore’s, we’d have called you a liar and then laughed uncontrollably. Oh, what a difference a day makes…

• As though wearing creepy, couple-coordinated outfits weren’t enough, David and Victoria Beckham also have the audacity to dress their children in matching rugby shirts.

• Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz confuse crazy hats with street cred.

• At what point did it officially become physically impossible to perform on So You Think You Can Dance without lip syncing?

• Yep, just another proud moment for Gwen Stefani and her less famous husband.

Every now and again, there’s nothing quite like a good old-fashioned blast from the past. Whether it’s a 3am phone call from an old “boyfriend,” a perusal through the college photo album (awwww, we were so cute, pre-freshman fifteen!) or a Beverly Hills 90210 marathon, sometimes it’s nice to simply take a moment or two to enjoy a leisurely stroll down Memory Lane.

And it turns out, we’re not the only ones feeling nostalgic these days! As Page Six reports, it appears NBC has recently been suffering from Katie Couric withdrawal.

NBC must miss Katie Couric. A promo for the “Today” show that aired during WNBC’s 11 p.m. news Monday night showed her but neither Matt Lauer nor Couric’s replacement, Meredith Vieira. Couric, who left to anchor the “CBS Evening News” last September, was shown seated behind the “Today” desk with the slogan, “America Watches Today First,” flashing on the screen. Reps for NBC did not return our calls.

Unfortunately for both parties, the image of Katie Couric hosting Today is, as lyricist Hilary Duff would say, “So yesterday.” On the other hand, nothing says “tomorrow” quite like a recurring gig on 60 Minutes.*

*Except for maybe watching your ex, rock star (of sorts) Joel Madden have a possibly-deformed baby with his rexy new squeeze, Nicole Richie.

• Anna Nicole Smith under fire for exploiting pics of her baby daughter; a defiant TomKat and Brangelina replied, “Well, at least we never had sex with a really, really old guy.”

• Britney Spears reaffirmed her commitment to motherhood last weekend, shagging seaman Isaac Cohen in the “Hugh Hefner suite” of The Palms Vegas hotel.

• Donald Trump, evidently a Jossip reader, finds a reason to hate Condi Rice that has absolutely nothing to do with her unwillingness to reproduce.

• Someone other than Paris, Lindsay or Nicole has an eating disorder?? Send in your guesses for the “saccaharine L.A. starlet” so we don’t have to speculate for you.

• If Today Show viewers aren’t watching Meredith Vieira, and they’re not watching Katie Couric, then what are they doing? **shudders** Reading?

• Rape charges dropped against Duke lacrosse players; kidnapping, sexual assault charges prevail.

• As of today, Tower Records is no mo’.

• Life & Style reports Oprah and Stedman are moving in together; no word yet on where “special friend” Gayle King will sleep.

• Nicole Richie recovers from Hilary Duff’s snark attack by stuffing her face at Johnny Rockets.

• As every girl (or, um, transsexual) knows, you can never have too many shoes.

• Christmas purists rise up against hideous, inflatable Santas. Because the birth of Christ has soooo much more to do with pine trees, twinkling lights, and mistletoe.

• Shrek free from Universal overloads.

• Abbe Diaz kindly asks you stop emailing her about the Waverly Inn.

• P. Diddy and Kim Porter’s twins finally arrive; Diddy to dress them in matching Sean Jean onesies.

• Reliving celebrity break-ups is almost as satisfying as drunk-dialing your ex.

• Hilary Duff calls Nicole Richie a skank for “stealing” her ex-boyfriend.

• Us Weekly reporter found guilty of soliciting a minor over the internet; Pedophiles, they’re Just Like Us!

• Breaking: Paris’ old love-letters to her pubescent boyfriend! Possibly fake. Definitely irrelevant.

• Media Jews to Judith Regan: It’s all about the (residual) benjamins

• Guy Ritchie says one black baby is enough.

• Scratch that report that Scarlett Johansson is back together with Josh Hartnett. Actually, she’s just slutting around with him.

• Renee Zellweger is suddenly quite the man.

• Hilary Duff supposedly isn’t too fond of ex-boyfriend Joel Madden’s new girl Nicole Richie. But, uh, who would be?

• No, Kirsten Dunst, there is no such thing as privacy in these parts.

• Judith Regan calling Jews “rodents?” Pish, posh.

• Ludacris was at Michael’s. With Kate White.

Star magazine’s PR crack team so dutifully sent out this week’s headlines, as they always do. Available for you in this week’s issue that hits newsstands tomorrow:

• “The Stars Don’t Align For Jessica Once Again”
• “Nicky’s SOOO Over Kevin”
• “Kristin Cavallari’s New Beau?”
• “When Super-Skinniness Kills”
• “Kirsten Dunst: The Next New Hollywood Mom?”
• “A Brangelina Family of Blondes”
• “Pam’s 4-Month Marriage ends in Double Divorce!”
• “Lindsay Lohan Spinning Out of Control”
• “Nicole Ditches the Woman behind her Dramatic Weight Loss”
• “Britney’s BFF Rebound”

Entirely absent from the list: “Hilary & Joel Break Up!”

Sure, you can read the AMI tabloid’s “exclusive” online — but the story broke in the Chicago Tribune’s freebie Red Eye on Monday. Is this a new era of Bonnie Fuller, where the entire staff isn’t kept till wee hour closing?

Update: A Star insider tells us the Hilary-Joel story did make this week’s issue, which makes this whole post meaningless. Except that it points out the disconnect between AMI and its publicists at Coburn Communications.

Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock, named “Newlyweds of the Year” in December’s GQ:

Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock, named divorcees of the year:

Then, Hilary Duff gushing to Jane’s December issue about how the paparazzi helps her relationship with Joel Madden:

Hilary and Joel today:

• Italian fashion heiress Margherita Missoni’s costume lauded by all; Page Six calls her a “stripper.” And is sorry. [P6]

• Madonna’s latest incarnation: Jew for Jesus. [Scoop]

• Make death threats about Hilary Duff’s music career, not her life. [TMZ]

• Borat wins at the box office, offering a case study to Democrats at how to make fun of the Midwest while still getting their vote. [M&C]

• Foxy Brown is about to be: dumped by Def Jam’s Jay-Z; placed on same level with Christina Milian. [P6]

• If Moby has kids, he hopes they’re faggalas. [Scoop]

Seventeen magazine is reaching back into their bag full of surprises. After the disappointing move of asking Hilary Duff to guest edit the magazine (of course putting herself on the cover, and her single on Seventeen’s MySpace page) Atoosa Rubenstein is pulling out another stop.

This one, however, doesn’t seem quite as obnoxious. For the November issue, for the first time in more than half a decade, a (really, really, cute) boy will grace the cover of the mag. And which guy did they choose? Teen heartthrob and decent musician Teddy Geiger.

“It’s his first cover,” Rubenstein said. “I think it’s a little surreal for him.”

It probably really is really surreal for him. We doubt that while growing up, dreaming of being a famous musician, his dream was to appear on the cover of a magazine filled with hot green nail polish and advice about how to cure a yeast infection.

But now Teddy Geiger’s non-dream is a total reality. We’re sure his publicist couldn’t be happier.

Cover Boy [Sarah Horne, Fashion Week Daily]

• Please remember to check out the Jill Carroll story parts 1 - 795. [E&P]

• We’re sure everyone in Park Slope is madly in love with this dude right here. [Curbed]

• At the Lindsay Lohan tattoo parlor, you can have an ever-lasting reminder to breathe, take a pregnancy test, or do some bumps, tattooed right onto on your wrist. Priceless. [Sun]

• Hilary Duff is getting pushed out of work by “real” people. How awful for her. Poor fake person. [The Awful Truth]

• We totally missed this story about Nicole Richie puking all over herself. Well, she did ingest all those tequila shot calories. There really was no other option. [NYO]

• Madonna’s so good at pretending she’s British she actually gets awards for it. [Hello Magazine]

• Remember DJ Star? The guy who said he wanted “pull an R.Kelly” on a little girl? Yeah, he’s the real victim. Just like Jeffrey Epstein. [NYDN]

• Sir Elton John is tired of all those American bands. Even the gay boy band ones. He thinks American musicians should be more like — well, more like him. [MSNBC]

• Entire carafes of Diet Coke are the only things keeping Courtney Love hopped up enough that she doesn’t notice she’s not on blow. [Page Six]

• What a nice way to thank our troops for risking their lives overseas. Forcing them to listen to Hilary Duff perform a concert. At least they didn’t have to pay for it. [AP]

• Prince is back on the market ladies and gentlemen. We eagerly await the arrival of his next surprisingly hot girlfriend. [NYDN]

• Eddie Van Halen becomes the first (formerly) famous rocker to lend his name to an adult movie. Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson didn’t count, we guess. [Page Six]

• Thom Yorke reacts to his sub-par album reviews by weirding everyone out. [NME]

• Hilary Duff: “You actually wrote that I’m a virgin? Come on, are you serious?” [MuchMusic]

• It has become undeniably apparent that DMX really, really likes him some legal troubles. [Jam!]

• Katie Holmes, once again, without child. [Mollygood]

• Amazingly enough, Dylan Stableford managed to catch something more boring than Lloyd Grove drunkenly blabbering away: Ian Spiegelman drunkenly blabbering away. [FBNY]

• What in god’s name is Atoosa Rubenstein thinking? Hilary Duff guest editing Seventeen? We hope staffers aren’t forced to come into contact with her and her massive bodyguard at the office. [TMZ]

• Yes, CBS is that desperate for you to watch their network. [NYT]

• Actual events worth writing about are still going on over at Vibe. It’s no South Beach club brawl, but when 20 staffers get fired you definitely have potential for another magazine reality TV show on your hands. [Eat the Press]

Hey everyone, listen up. Boys are stupid, too! Not just girls, ok? Boys can be just as stupid as girls. They can be arm candy, and bank accounts, and starfuckers just as well as girls can.

NBC said it before, and today on Today, they said it again. Honing in on “mimbos” or “himbos” Campbell Brown grilled Atoosa Rubenstein on who the “it” stupid boys are today.

We applaud the Today show and NBC for their fight against this sexism. It’s so easy for editors of men’s magazines to sit up there and say word for word “Paris Hilton is stupid” or “Hilary Duff is completely vapid and worthless.” It’s about time we gave guys like Wilmer Valderrama and Kevein Federline the same type of attention and accolades for being total fuckin’ idiots.

Talk about progress.

Stupid girls? Don’t forget the stupid boys [Paige Ferrari, MSNBC, May 5, 2006]
Girls can be bimbos, but can guys be himbos? [Today Show]