• Douchebag college kid still yammering about getting to first base with trainwreck former pop star.

• Meanwhile, Britney Spears and the Spice Girls square off for the chance to showcase their complete and utter lack of musical ability.

• Ricky Martin is starting to sound a lot like Michael Jackson Madonna some crazy closeted gay man.

• Who needs the calendar version of Michael Biserta, when you can still get him in video form?

• Ed Harris tries, fails to smuggle a giant butcher’s knife past airport security. Then cries about it.

• “Eddie Murphy has been ‘extremely disrespectful,’ cries morally upstanding single mother, Scary Spice, who was secretly married back in June.

• “Nicole will be a wonderful mom!” predicts Paris, based on their long history of snorting cocaine together.

• Paul McCartney and Heather Mills enter the second leg (sorry, Heather!) of divorce negotiations.

• Q. How do you know you’re an unfit mom? A. You’re getting parenting advice from US Weekly.

• Portfolio is looking for a “Tina Fey” type to head up their on-air news division. And the hits just keep on coming!

• Olsen twin offends Muslim people while simultaneously carrying around her sister in a small-child sized Balenciaga.

• Not only isn’t Kanye West gay, he’s also not overly defensive about it.

• Britney Spears may have taken time out of her busy fried-chicken eating schedule to drive herself into a parked car, she’s apparently too fat to model her own perfume. Curious!

• Also, Brit seduced a 21-year old college student in a hottub by making out with him during a game of Truth or Dare.

• A clearly unbiased New York Post wants you to know that Daily News owner (and “pipsqueak publisher”) Mortimer Zuckerman’s a shitty writer. Just, FYI.

• Catherine Zeta-Jones has finally had enough of Michael Douglas’ old-man semen.

• Christina Aguilera’s non-famous hubby takes ample precautions before venturing out into the frozen foods section of his local A&P.

• If you thought/hoped you’d seen the last of Carlton and Urkel, you’d better think again.

• Pete Wentz and his unknown guest graciously smile for the cameras.

• Meanwhile, for once we actually agree with Perez. The most poignant way to describe Avril Lavigne is, in fact, by scrawling “SUX” over her face with a giant white sharpie.

• Never underestimate the brazen self-confidence of an overweight, SCRAM-wearing SNL alumnus.

• A movie adaptation of annoying late-90’s catch-phrase “He’s just not that into you?” We’re just not that into it.

• Tyra Banks donates $2300 to someone other than Tyra Banks. Now that’s fierce.

• Kate Walsh buys $4.5 million mansion for herself and her fiancé (and boyfriend of three months) which will be worth approximately $2.75 million after the inevitable quickie-divorce settlement.

• A furtive Ashlee Simpson hides her penchant for KY jelly from her pervy dad-slash-manager.

• Lindsay Lohan hires a private detective to dig up dirt on her ex-boyfriend Calum Best. Because when you’re Lindsay Lohan, finding out that your boyfriend cheated on you with two coke-addled prostitutes and photographed the entire thing apparently isn’t enough.

• Tired of all the negative publicity, Usher finally gets around to marrying that fiancee he’s been sleeping with on the side.

• Mena Suvari pulls a Britney, sans fried chicken.

• The price of Ted Koppel’s superfluous starter home? $2.3 million. The image of a banana-hammock clad Ted Koppel swimming laps in his indoor pool? Priceless.

• Mayor Bloomberg reports for jury duty, tells bailiff at county clerk’s office “You ask me about that sexual harassment suit and I’ll have your boss’ boss’ boss fired.”

• “Which network news executive had to confess to cheating on his partner after he caught hepatitis?” asks Gatecrasher, who adds, “he had to tell the 50 party guests whose food he prepared by hand the day before he was diagnosed.”

• Lindsay Lohan’s bodyguard reportedly turns down $500K and an opportunity to tell everyone what a fucked-up crack whore she really is.

• Meanwhile, Linds gets some advice from someone with impeccable morals. “Do I think it’s a good move for [Lindsay] to sell her story?” asked Money Honey “Bank Skank” Maria Bartiromo. “I think as much as people are interested in what she has to say, she should capitalize on it.” Neat!

• In addition to confirming her invisible pregnancy, Nicole Richie also admits to taking Vicodin for her premenstrual cramps. Before the get-out-of-jail fetus, obvs.

• Two days prior to having her bodyguard beat up photog Andrew Deetz, Britney Spears yelled, “‘I am going to kill you!” and then attacked him with profanities.

• Tokyo is in for a disappointing surprise.

• Is it possible Usher was lying when he said “everything is fine” between himself and his jilted/hospitalized fiancee?

• Usher insists that the nuptials are still on track despite ample evidence to the contrary (i.e. he’s a philandering mama’s boy who traumatized his fiancee by canceling his wedding just two days ago).

• If you missed Beyonce’s fall (and the subsequent “I’m okay—wait, no I’m not” stumble) here’s your chance to watch it all over again. And again. And again. She’s so self-conscious!

• Actress Anne Hathaway ditches her own Hampton’s premiere (of Becoming Jane) in favor of an embarrassing public fight with her boyfriend. She then recovers/overcompernsates by showing up “all smiles” to the “rager” of an after-party.

• In a misguided attempt to defend Anne’s honor, Cinema Society founder Andrew Saffir says, “If [Anne] seemed emotional it was because she had not yet seen the film in its entirety, and she found even the little she watched of the opening very moving.” Riiiiight.

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• Judith Giuliani is an opportunistic, puppy-killing homewrecker…or is she?

• Star Jones sometimes wishes she was a white guy instead of a formerly obese black woman.

• The Times‘ David Pogue loves his new iPhone so much, it’s almost as though he has an iBook deal. Oh, wait.

• Words cannot describe Paris Hilton’s unnaturally tan face, but an episode of Seinfeld can! Specifically, the one where Kramer falls asleep in the tanning salon on the same day he’s supposed to meet his (black) girlfriend’s parents for the first time, and then when the dad lays eyes on him, he shakes his head, and says, “I don’t see no white boy. I see a damned fool.” Yeah, Paris’ face is like that.

• Usher’s lifelong fear of commitment rears its ugly head the day before he was supposed to get married.

• In addition to being a spoiled brat who cries uncontrollably during interviews and music video shoots, Britney Spears is also rocking the beer belly. Not cool, y’all.

• Nicole Richie pleads guilty to her second DUI in 5 years. As a result, she and her unborn fetus are sentenced to 4 days in rich-person jail.

• “Paris Hilton’s post-prison ‘new leaf’ may be one you can smoke,” reports Rush & Molloy, which is really just a clever way of saying she’s on drugs.

• Lindsay Lohan tried to blame her crazy, coked-up car chase on a bunch of random black people.

• Meanwhile, after a gestation period of approximately 24 months, Naomi Watts finally gives birth to a forty-five pound music prodigy.

• From Page Six: “Jeremy [Shockey] is the coolest,” said Scores dancer Devin. “He complimented me on my new boob job, which makes me a 36D.” Um, nice?

• Who would have guessed that the next William Faulkner would turn out to be none other than “Allison” from Melrose Place?

• Do not hang out with Dori Cooperman unless you want to end up with a botched lypo job, coke in your pants or a Range Rover that runs people over.

• Angelina Jolie is reportedly depressed that her black-facey impression of Mariane Pearl was a box office flop.

• Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow are getting back together…for some boring political drama that you probably won’t bother to go see.

• There’s something kind of awesome about the Russell and Kimora Lee Simmons family reunions. Typically, it’s the “I’m too old to pretend I ever loved this giant, giraffe of a woman” expression on Russell’s face.

• Sumner Redstone is being sued by his son, Michael and is currently feuding with his daughter, Shari, but his brother Edward is totally not crazy at all.

• Congratulations to Kelly Rowland, who has finally learned to begrudgingly accept the color of her skin.

• Apparently, naming your kid “Jermajesty” isn’t normal even if your name is Jermaine Jackson. [via Us]

• Professional Jackass Johnny Knoxville didn’t take out a billboard with Luke Wilson’s private, unlisted phone number on it or anything. He just hired a plane to hover around some B-list party in Malibu with a flier.

• Did you hear? Lindsay is innocent of all charges and she was totally framed by the police! Like O.J.! Also, she has the excuse-making abilities of a thirteen year-old girl caught smoking ciggies in the girls’ lavatory.

• Next time, Paris feels like drugging Tyler Atkins, she may want to go with something more potent.

• Jay-Z and Jermaine Dupri went from rapping together on “Money Ain’t A Thing” to facing off in some bizarre mogul-to-mogul standoff over (you guessed it) money.

CONTINUED »

• Diddy writes a not-nice song about ex-girlfriend Kim Porter. Which was probably a good move, seeing as women who let you bang Sienna Miller, ogle Jessica Biel and impregnate other women all while birthing and raising your own children are typically a dime a dozen.

• Annoying rich kids Brody Jenner and Spencer Pratt are in a big, douchey fight.

• Tweens given opportunity to overpay for tacky, American Idol inspired wardrobe.

• Hilary Duff reduces a 9 year-old girl to tears, presumably by forcing her to listen to her crappy new album. On repeat.

• It’s not that Eddie Murphy doesn’t have time to chase after his ex-girlfriends. It’s just that he’s sick and tired of supporting their designer shoe habits. Or, you know, their children out of wedlock.

• Is Liv Tyler married to a former homo? Or, should we be asking, ‘what’s the frequency, Gwyneth?’

• Creepy Scientologists have evolved beyond cupcakes.

• Unemployed actress Sally Kirkland dons blackface and a Lionel Richie “fro” and poses beside Nicole Richie—presumably because (a) they’re all crazy, and (b) Angelina Jolie was unavailable.

• Meanwhile, the next time Paris Hilton screams, “Why won’t those awful paparazzi just leave me alone?” simply shake your head and remember that she’s a crazy, lying mess.

• Lauren Conrad accidentally-on-purpose broke Brody Jenner’s finger during a heated game of touch football. Natch, Jenner didn’t let it ruin his beer buzz and had resumed his normal activities (read: binge-drinking and spending his father’s money) within hours.

• JLo and her skeletal hubby Marc Anthony claim they couldn’t be more “normal.” Assuming “normal” is slang for “stuck-up rich people, one of whom has a disproportionately large ass.”

CONTINUED »

• Lindsay Lohan fired before she even had the chance to show up late (and hungover) to set.

• Which paparazzo’s dick do we have to suck to get our picture in the society pages?

• Shocker! In Brit’s new music video, she’s wearing…a bad wig and too-tight closed.

• Usher’s pissy cease and desist letter makes his (former) biggest fan wonder what she ever saw in him, anyway.

• Naomi Campbell finds a way to make money off of her her penchant for throwing phones at people.

• Gossip columnist Claudia Cohen had a $60 million estate. Meanwhile, we’re still holding out for dental.

• One-legged philanthropist Heather Mills rejects Paul McCartney’s paltry $41 million divorce settlement offer, but agrees to put ‘all this pettiness aside’ for the nominal fee of $102 million.

• In the philosophizing words of Cisco Adler, a pseudo rock star who has very strange-looking genitals, “I tend to find myself dating famous women sometimes. I just write dope songs and [bleep] hot bitches.” Such is life.

• Kate Hudson “[bleeps] with the media” by only pretending to date a shirtless comedian, whose nose has never been broken and then pieced back together by a semi-drunk plastic surgeon.

• Steve Martin will finally marry his longtime girlfriend, former New Yorker writer Anne Stringfield, after rationalizing that she’s a hell of a lot better than his ex-girlfriend, full-time crazy-person, Anne Heche.

CONTINUED »

• Unable to tamper with her ankle monitoring bracelet and not content to simply sit back and sip on Shirley Temples, Lindsay Lohan has apparently figured out the secret to a happy, sober existence: total Ecstasy.

• Either that or LiLo’s holed up in her room getting high on whippets, chugging cold meds, and screaming “Mo’ Tussin!”

• An unleashed Suri Cruise terrorized a Barnes & Nobles on Monday, throwing books at Katie Holmes’ feet and generally pissing off all the bookish singletons looking for love in the self-help aisle.

• Ryan Seacrest needs a new beard, preferably one who doesn’t say things like, “Beer doesn’t give you a yeast infection, right?” or start singing, “I’m not wearing pantyhose.”

• Usher finds a clever way to alienate his biggest and only fan.

• Gwen Stefani sues Forever 21 for making even crappier clothes than usual.

• Jon Lovitz finally does what most of us have only dreamed about, namely grab Andy Dick and smash his face into the bar. Repeatedly. And, despite having once said, “I wanted to punch [Dick’s] face in, but I don’t hit women.” Ouch.

• Narcissists David and Victoria Beckham to adorn their new home with giant, poster-sized pictures of…themselves.

• Despite those persistent rumors about her latent promiscuity, Lindsay Lohan just isn’t into going “backdoor.”

• Just when things were finally starting to heat up between QB Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen, his ex, Bridget Moynahan has to be all, “Look at me, look at me! I’m having your baby.”

CONTINUED »

• “Which rocker-ette, who is attempting a comeback, has a new eating disorder to replace the drugs? Apparently now she will eat only yogurt products,” tantalizes Ben Widdicombe.

• Meanwhile, in completely unrelated news, “Courtney Love showed off her new skinny bod by performing in a one-piece Marc Jacobs bathing suit at Hiro,” chirps Rush & Molloy.

• Diddy moves on from ex-girlfriend Kim Porter faster than you can say “canoodling with a brunette in a cabana with three bodyguards blocking him from fans and paparazzi.” And that kind of cathartic promiscuity can’t be good for the wallet.

• Brandon Davis’ parents finally do the sensible thing: disown their overweight and out of control son until he learns how to eke out a respectable living dealing drugs and hocking “Team Firecrotch” t-shirts.

• Don’t listen to K-Rock radio today unless you want to hear a 4-hour block of 30 Seconds to Mars songs.

• DJ AM dumps his much more attractive girlfriend for being “too high maintenance.” And she totally was! You know, except for that whole willingness to date an unattractive, tattooed manorexic.

• Prince Harry likes it when his girlfriend calls him “Big Ginger.” Kinky!

• Guests of Eva Longoria and Tony Parker’s wedding have an extra swag-ger in their step.

• There’s nothing sleazy billionaire Ron Perelman likes more than pining away for his 7th grade crush sailing on his yacht with platonic friend Gina Gershon.

• Steven Spielberg is living in constant fear of his grandmother’s chaise lounge.

• “I love big boobs on a woman,” admits a totally heterosexual John Travolta. “So I wanted [my character] Edna [Turnblad] to have them. My boobs and butt got a lot of attention on the set. The whole crew kept coming over and groping me. The scary thing is, I liked it.”

• Brandy takes a backseat to her porn star brother while waiting for that whole vehicular manslaughter thing to pan out.

• Kelly Clarkson’s record company woes can all be explained by this confrontation with Clive Davis, in which Clarkson screamed, “You’re 80. You’re not supposed to like my album.” Somebody get this girl a muzzle!

• After spending millions on the exclusive rights to Eva Longoria’s wedding snoretacular, OK! mag pays $400,000 for steamy sex photos of Nick and Vanny…that they have no intention of ever running. Related: OK! magazine officially has the dumbest accountant ever.

• Britney Spears is slowly, methodically cutting “anyone who can even remotely tolerate her” out her life.

• Not long after he was overheard ordering a “the fruitiest” beer in the joint, Kevin Spacey was spotted “dirty dancing” with himself. Yep, that one’s as straight as they come.

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