Leslie Sloane Zelnik — the publicist behind trainwrecks Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan, just doesn’t know what to do with a celeb client that isn’t a total fuck-up at all times.

Last Wednesday at the Marie Claire party in Soho, Zelnik told the Lowdown a little ditty about her least whack client, Sarah Michelle Gellar. Apparently Buffy is a total Winona.

“Want to know what she’s obsessed with? Chanel black nail polish! It’s sold out in the United States. She stole some from someone,” uberflack Leslie Sloane Zelnik revealed to Lowdown as Gellar listened at Wednesday’s Marie Claire Haute Shopping party in the SoHo loft of financier Henry Buhl. Patting her black shoulder bag, Zelnik added, “I have it in my purse.”

We get that Gellar probably needs the press, but can’t Zelnik get her on a “save the puppies” organization or something? We’re not the expert on this, but she should probably be more focused on keeping Lindsay Lohan out of the bathroom than trying to her other clients arrested.

A polished performance by Gellar [Lloyd Grove, Lowdown]

It was just last week that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes announced they were expecting, but they didn’t exactly reveal how long they’d been expecting.

But new pictures snapped on Saturday of the twosome at Tom’s daughter Isabella’s soccer game in Los Angeles reveal Katie may be three to five months along already. Which means back in June when Cruise was getting soaked by pranksters on the red carpet, Katie’s ovaries were getting soaked in the bedroom (or the fertility clinic, whichever.

So if she really has been carrying Tom Cruise’s spawn for so long, Katie’s just-fired publicist Leslie Sloane-Zelnick has some explaining to do. She was fired the day before TomKat broke the news without telling her, which means Leslie has been wearing her Ray-Bans at night or wasn’t keeping very good tabs on her obviously with-child client.

(More bumpy evidence after the jump.)

Katie Holmes Pregnancy Bump Very Visible in Photos [National Ledger]
Related: Tom Cruise soaked during interview prank
Katie Holmes breaks free — from her publicist

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As if putting up with Lee Ann De Vette’s attempts at keeping Tom Cruise respectable weren’t dire enough, now she’s charged with maintaining Katie Holmes‘ image as the girl next door, even though she went and got pregnant after promising to remain savory until her wedding night.

On Friday Katie dumped super-flack Leslie Sloane-Zelnick, her publicist of nearly eight years (who also schills for Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan), to join De Vette’s client roster that includes, uh, exactly Tom and Katie.

All this after she broke off her engagement to Chris Klein, fired her manager, drop kicked her agent and became BFFs with Scientology gatekeeper Jessica Feshbach Rodriguez. But the kicker isn’t that Katie merely informed Sloane-Zelnick that her services wouldn’t be needed — it’s the way she went about it.

During her conversation with Leslie Sloane-Zelnick, Holmes did not mention that she was pregnant by fiancé Tom Cruise. The next day, the news broke.

And soon, so shall her water .. without Leslie’s helping hand. Because if bitch thinks Tom or sister Lee is going to help her wince through the pain, she’s got an agonizing drug-free birth to snap her back.