Paris Hilton, the most dangerous thing to happen to reality television and the animal kingdom, is P.O.’d over a story that surfaced last week that she tried to buy a new puppy from The Puppy Store in Los Angeles for use in a photo shoot she was en route to, but was refused by a store clerk who was probably wise to her illegal dog owning ways. Page Six reported the professional red carpet walker “went ‘ballistic’ … She started screaming, ‘I love my puppies! I want my baby!’” But it’s all untrue, says Ms. Hilton!

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That producers on Paris Hilton: My New BFF had to tell the starlet what to do in front of the cameras shouldn’t exactly be news; wasn’t this Nicole Richie’s role on Simple Life? [P6]

We’re gonna go out on a limb and suggest that Angelina Jolie did not agree to have her likeness used in this ad for the Xiomara Coronado Beauty Center, under the tagline, “Nobody is younger than you.” Lucky for the client, then, that the spot is circulating in Ecuador, where Angelina might have a harder time enforcing her intellectual property rights.

And the same goes for Paris. And Shakira.

But one thing the ad gets wrong, however, is that these women aren’t going to “settle” into their wrinkles and let age creep over them. They’re going to Botox their way back to youth.

Promo-a-Go-Go: Your promotional materials reviewed!

The Hottie & The Nottie is out on DVD (didn’t it go straight to DVD?), which means it’s for public relations firm MRPM to start sending out the marketing materials.

In the bundle we received at Jossip HQ: a copy of the DVD, a “I’m With Hottie” tee, a pin, and, most importantly, a nip of Jack Daniels, which we’re gonna need to get through the movie.

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Though an outing in L.A. will attract a crowd of photogs, Paris Hilton must now decamp abroad to draw a paparazzi maelstrom as she did with her presence in Turkey, which had cameramen throwing punching and law enforcement brandishing clubs to calm the uproar. Why all the madness? Paris was there to judge the Miss Turkey 2008 contest. And the girl needs all the paid appearances she can get; Grandpa Barron is donating all but 3 percent of his $2.3 billion to charity.

“I love Africa in general — South Africa and West Africa, they are both great countries.” — Paris Hilton, when asked what she thought of South Africa. [Sun]

Paris Hilton may be tramping around Africa but that doesn’t mean you can’t follow her every move. When she’s not phoning the paparazzi to let them know her whereabouts, a shot of her schedule will do. [Celebslam]

Paris Hilton’s new reality show, aptly named Paris Hilton’s My New BFF because it’s all about searching for her Nicole Richie replacement, got the Times treatment, SO YOU KNOW IT’S IMPORTANT. It was even in Arts section, not Styles. The Times is all concerned with Paris not really sticking to her post-prison promises, like helping out her fellow inmates, starting a charity, or doing good for Africa. Us? We want to know who’s actually seeking fame by attaching themselves to a fame seeker, as if she’d ever let them share the spotlight! So who are these girls who want to be her best friend? Let’s take a look at their audition tapes, which are all being uploaded to ParisBFF.com. ‘Cause just like Facebook, finding friends on TV is all Web 2.0.

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REALITY TV JUMPS THE SHARK How could reality tv, the genre that brought us Tia Tequila and American Gladiators, ever become so ridiculous that it destroys itself? Well, Paris Hilton is going to have a new reality TV show where she searches for a new BF For E. The E will be subject to ratings and consumer approval. [Us Weekly]

Yesterday we mentioned in passing that Paris Hilton was hooking up with Benji Madden. And this was only news because Benji is Joel Madden’s twin, and Joel Madden impregnated Nicole Richie, and Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton are ex-bffs.

But allegedly, they’re totally for reals and Benji called her “the one.”

Since 2008, Paris has been the one, or the one night for, Jared Leto, Simon Rex and Elisha Cuthbert.

Plus, she’s been engaged to more people than we have fingers. We’re just saying, Paris Hilton cries relationship a lot. We’re not going buy her story anymore.

• Improv Everywhere takes on Starbucks with a desk top computer rocking Windows 95.

• Brad Renfro got snubbed at the “In Memoriam” montage because he wasn’t famous enough for three seconds of screen time of a four hour program.

• Hey, there just might be something to this whole blogging trend.

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Our daily attempt to help you seem smart, even if you’re not

logy \LOH-ghee\ adjective
: marked by sluggishness and lack of vitality : groggy

Because of her lazy eye, Paris Hilton sometimes looks half asleep, but she’s not logy at all.

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Blind Items are like the James Joyce of gossip. They’re challenging, but with hard work comes great rewards.

From Gatecrasher:

Which celebrity sibling who can’t stay out of trouble has a girlfriend-of-record, but also a much-talked about romantic incident involving a same-sex pal in the Hamptons last summer?

In a few years, this could be about Linsday Lohan’s little sister, or even Dakota Fanning’s. But not yet. There are only a few celebrity siblings who are famous for their own troubles and most of them live on the west coast.

So which celebrity sibling swings both ways?

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If there’s one thing we learned from high school, it’s that women hate women. Maybe it’s evolutionary, but girls constantly put one another down, criticize one another and are jealous of any attention or success their peers get.

And unlike Calculus, we haven’t forgotten this lesson as we’ve gone through the world. Women are bitches. It’s just a fact.
Based on the ads for tampons and vaginal perfumes, tabloids are read mostly by women. So it’s no surprise that these magazines devote more space to struggling starlets than to actors who should actually be on suicide watch.

Sexism isn’t to blame, exactly. Women just get off on seeing beautiful women struggle. Serial drunk driver Keifer Sutherland can be saved. But Paris Hilton deserves what’s coming to her.

Sympathy doesn’t sell magazines. Schadenfreude, however, moves units.

Our daily attempt to help you seem smart, even if you’re not

whodunit \hoo-DUN-it\ noun
: a detective story or mystery story

How exactly Paris Hilton became famous is a regular Hollywood whodunit.

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The most vehement example of PageSix.com’s mission to take on TMZ.com is going on right now, with Barron Hilton’s DUI arrest this morning, where he allegedly mowed over a gas pump attendant while pulling in the station.

Both sites are sending out breaking email news alerts, posting furiously on their sites, and claiming exclusives, though neither is offering much information the other isn’t.

At 1:02pm EST, TMZ lead with news of the arrest at 8:30am. By 1:08pm, they had updated their story after speaking with police, and received a description of the car he was driving (a black Mercedes), that he had a passenger in the car, and that he was in the middle of being booked. At 1:21pm, they were reporting no drugs or paraphernalia had been found in the car.

PageSix.com’s post timestamp has their first story on the matter at 1:44pm, with a family insider said to have delivered the scoop. By 2:01pm they could “exclusively reveal” Hilton “allegedly struck a garage worker with his car early this morning as he careened into a 76 gas station off the Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu.” (TMZ had the news at 1:25pm.) They’ve also got the attendant’s name, Fernando Pellez, and a quote: “I was knocked to the ground. The Mercedes lost control as it was turning into the gas station and Barron got out of the car and he was totally drunk and couldn’t walk straight.”

And at 2:32pm, they had older sister Paris’ reaction: “I am sad for my little brother. I hear he is doing OK. I am there for him and will be speaking to him in an hour or so hopefully to lend my support.” Though TMZ had, at 1:26pm, received a statement by papa Rick.

LIKE SISTER Eighteen-year-old Barron Hilton nabs his first DUI, extinguishing any hope the Hilton scarlet letter would end with Paris. [TMZ]

• So the Grammys were last night and televised awards shows are Important, with a capital I. Here’s the list of winners.

• Ryan Philippe talks about his divorce (promotes his new movie).

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The Daily Mail describes Paris Hilton’s publicist, Elliot Mintz, arriving at his client’s 27th birthday party, in this way: “The heiress’s former press representative Elliot Mintz arrives in a disasterous clashing tie and face paint faux pas.”

It would’ve been less offensive if he simply claimed his rub-on tan were blackface.

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• Jennifer Lopez has set the birth of her twins for February 14. Cheesy, sure, but a total J. Lo move. What we do judge is planning her c-section on a Thursday, for the benefit of the tabs. If that’s true, he deserves every forthcoming invasion of privacy.

• Kate Hudson and Liv Tyler threw a party at the Waverly Inn. Where did those ladies meet, a group for the famous children of famous parents?

• Paris Hilton is still into men with fading fame; she hooked up with Simon Rex last night.

• Playboy bunnies hit up Mardi Gras. Hopefully they know better than to give it up for a free t-shirt.

• Pictures of the bump that launched “My Humps”

• Pink Is The New Blog is better at keeping Project Runway related secrets than we are.

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