• Second-rate Posh Spice impersonator is quickly chastised for “not being frigid enough.”

• Amy Winehouse cancels the remainder of her tour because, as she puts it, “I can’t give it my all onstage without my Blake.” Either that or someone (i.e. her lawyer) finally warned her about the potential dangers of snorting nose-candy on stage and having the video end up on YouTube.

• Geez, how many random dudes does Sienna Miller have to sleep with before she stops being known as Jude Law’s ex?

CONTINUED »

• Sienna Miller isn’t dating “that gross dude from Notting Hill.” They’re just sporting matching tattos. And wearing the exact same size in women’s jeans.

• Raise your hand if you think Paula Abdul is ready to procreate. Hmmm, let’s try this again. Raise your hand if you’re someone other than Paula Abdul.

• Demi Moore lets too much time elapse in between Botox appointments.

• Pervy manager Lou Perlman gives us another reason to “just say no” to boy bands.

• Even gorgeous movies stars instinctively suck in their tummies when cute (if effeminate) boys are around.

• Cameron Diaz has an unglamorous Marilyn Monroe moment. Fortunately, the cameras are right there to capture it.

• The sky is falling! No, wait, that’s just Teri Hatcher’s face.

• We don’t have to travel back in time to remind ourselves that Kevin Federline is a weasel.

• Is it wrong that we like Ryan Reynolds even more now that we now he has zero plans to adopt an African orphan anytime in the near future?

• Maria Sharapova may have lost only 2 games so far in 4 straight sets of tennis, but Anna Kournikova’s still the only one who can carry off a potato sack.

• Britney Spears to disappear. Sheesh, it’s about frickin’ time!

• For the last time, Sienna Miller and Rhys Ifans are not dating, okay? They’re just getting ridiculously drunk and then fucking afterwards.

• Producers are still looking for the next Biggie Smalls. And apparently, it’s not this guy.

• “No fair!” whined a totally jealous Ashley Olsen. “If Mary-Kate gets to suck face with a 63 year-old bald guy, then so do I!” Unfortunately, repeated calls (and “9-1-1″ text-messages) to Telly Savalas went unanswered.

• There’s an old expression that goes “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Which still doesn’t explain why Sienna Miller invited her new leading man over to her London flat for a romantic homemade dinner of….beef stew.

• Tom Cruise out for a stroll with his identical hair-twin/wife.

• Jesse Metcalfe has dreams of becoming “the next James Blunt.” Which is to say, a lanky, shaggy-haired doofus who inexplicably bangs much-hotter chicks. Hey, you know, we can actually kind of see it.

&bulll; This one goes out to the ones who love “Pamela [Anderson] and her deformed funbags.”

Janice Min may have put vendetta against “fake news” outlets on hold, but that hasn’t stopped our eagle-eyed tipsters from beating her at her own game.

Allow us to kindly direct you to page 37 of the current (July 23rd) issue of Us Weekly, entitled “Hot Pics: Valentino’s Fete In Rome.”

“Sienna Miller sported a gown in the designer’s signature red on July 6,” writes Us. Then, next to the smaller photo, a caption reads “Presto change-o! The same night, Miller modeled a totally different look.”

“Totally different,” writes our tipster. “Because it isn’t Sienna
Miller! It’s Daphne Guinness!”

And while the fashionista/beer heiress presumably isn’t what Janice had in mind by “different,” unfortunately it’s a little too late to “presto change-o!” that caption.

Sienna Miller can have it both ways: She can be the party girl and well-used Hollywood hole in real life, and in film! She’s the leading lady of Steve Buscemi’s Interview, which he directs and also stars. Sienna plays a soap opera starlet who’s chased by the paparazzi, though she doesn’t “see any similarities between me and [her character] Kayta at all, actually.” Cute-ness, yes? So is her response to recent Google News headlines about her.

CONTINUED »

• Nerdy spelling bee contestant inadvertently sums up the state of our country.

• Richie Sambora checks into rehab to cope with his I-used-to-bang-Denise-Richards withdrawal symptoms.

• Anne Heche hits the 35th annual AFI Life Awards while that-guy-she-left-her-husband-for stays at home.

• Mila Kunis reminds us of the real reason anyone watched That 70’s Show.

• Sienna Miller is so upset about being branded a slut that she didn’t even answer her phone when Diddy booty-called her last night.

• The mental picture of firecrotch Danny Bonaduce “shoving his junk” into a stripper’s face is enough to make us vomit a little. But for those of you with strong stomachs, there’s also a video!

• Has anyone else noticed how utterly transparent Courteney Cox has become?

• Sienna Miller bonds with Keira Knightley while filming The Edge of Love, a.k.a. the film that booted Lindsay Lohan for being a total shitshow.

• Paulina Rubio performs on TRL. Rubio remembers her lyrics, forgets to wear pants.

• Meanwhile, Calum Best is vying to become the next K-Fed.

Sometimes, the gossip pages end up straight in the trash. Other times, they chronicle former celebrities who enjoy rummaging through the trash. And occasionally, they contain a quote so brilliant, so insightful, it’s almost hard to believe it came from the lips of a tabloid fixture (or, in this case, a hip hop artist).

Exhibit A: Kanye West’s witticism in today’s Rush & Molloy column.

Kanye West wants to know if Sienna Miller is single. “That’s a white girl I would take to the mosque,” the rapper writes in his Fashion Beatdowns column for Complex magazine’s April/May issue. West contemplates Miller’s relationship status after he weighs in on her ex Jude Law ’s outfit: “That sweater with the black sequins on it is incredible.”

Hell yeah, Kanye! We’d take Sienna to the mosque, too. Just make sure she doesn’t accidentally forget her pants that day, okay?

Apparently, I’ve shagged half of Hollywood. And that’s not true. I’m supposed to have shagged Orlando Bloom, Daniel Craig, Leonardo DiCaprio .. Who else am I supposed to have slept with? Daniel, Orlando, Leonardo, Jude, Josh Hartnett, Puff Daddy.

[Had she had any physical relationship with them? Had she got to, say, number three with them?]

No! What’s number three? Heavy petting? Number one, snogging, number two, boobs? Number three, fingering - that’s the worst word. Four is gobbling them off. Five would be all the way. What’s six, then? Six is my tattoo. Have you ever done number six?

–Sienna Miller [via]

They spray make-up all over your body so you don’t see the stretch marks that we girls all have. I don’t eat salads and I don’t drink skinny coffee. I do run around a lot but I’m not healthy. One day I’ll wake up and my bum will be on the floor!

–Sienna Miller [via]

• If Isaiah Washington had to go to rehab for being a bigot, shouldn’t Paris Hilton have to go to rehab for being a twat?

• Drew Barrymore offers some words of wisdom about her drug-addled past and Dakota Fanning’s drug-addled future.

• Leelee Sobieski’s low-cut dress isn’t a slutty excuse to show off her tata’s…it’s a metaphor for all the “boobs” working in Hollywood nowadays.

• The makers of Budweiser’s unfunny face-bumping commercial to be sued by the creators of tthe unfunny face-bumping genre.

• Barbra Streisand’s political strategy: throw money at all the Democratic candidates and pray to God that one of them actually wins.

• Sienna Miller manages to keep her pants on during a drunken, public makeout sesh with musician-slash-starfucker Jamie Burke.

• Tara Reid gets even more irrefutable evidence that she is not, in fact, a V.I.P.

• Ryan Reynolds dumps fiance Alanis Morissette for refusing to go down on him in a theater.

• Vanessa Minnillo drops the F bomb again after Nick Lachey is approached by a J. Simp lookalike.

• And here’s what it feels like to accidentally ogle Denise Richards’ vagina.

• Gabrielle Union wants the world to know she and Derek Jeter aren’t dating; they’re just fuckbuddies, like Diddy and Sienna Miller.

• Bill Gates denies that all PC users are “dullards.” Then a third grade bully screams, ‘Only nerds use words like “dullards,” GEEK!’

• Sienna Miller shoves a photog for catching her with her pants on.

The Diddy and Sienna Miller saga continues, with the latest installment occurring at the already-over hotspot, Crobar.

Apparently, the two hit the so uncool-it’s-almost-retro nightclub this past Saturday night, whereupon an overeager snapper took a forbidden picture of Diddy dirty-dancing with Sienna “Not His Wife, Or the Mother Of His 2 New Twins” Miller.

Page Six has learned that a Saturday night clubgoer at Crobar tried to take a photo of Combs and Miller dancing together. A security guard who entered with Diddy’s entourage responded by taking the camera from her hand and confiscating the memory card.

“After the girl took the photo, Diddy didn’t say or do anything,” a witness said. “By the time he was 20 feet away, one of the security guys handed the camera to the bouncer, the bouncer handed it to the girl, and the memory card was gone.”

“Diddy obviously doesn’t want photos taken of him with Sienna,” another source told us.

Joey Morrissey, who runs Crobar’s Saturday night parties, confirmed Combs and Miller were there together. “They came in at 2 a.m. with security guards,” he said. The two spent the next two hours “hanging out alone upstairs in VIP having drinks.”

Natch, there’s still no proof that nothing untoward is going on, but we’re just hoping Diddy starts thinking more like a daddy and less like an oversexed mediocre rapper.

Update: Now we’re hearing that Sienna just told Life Magazine that she “can’t wait” to have kids, explaining “I know I want that because I have way too much love to give.” Hmm, too bad we can’t think of any not-so-single dads who need a weekend baby-sitter to watch their newborn twins while they hits Crobar with a hard-partying (and extremely single) actress on Saturday nights…

Earlier:
Sienna Miller, Panty Ho
Diddy Ogles Jessica Biel While Her Ex, Derek Jeter, Is Off ‘Ridin’ Dirty’ With Someone Else

• It’s getting hot in here. So take off all your clothes…EXCEPT the black, control-top pantyhose. Yes, you, Sienna Miller!

• A hopelessly lopsided Ivanka Trump to her plastic surgeon: You’re fired!

• Black civil rights activists say Brandy’s only being targeted because she’s a celebrity; reality says, “nono, Brandy’s being targeted because she committed vehicular manslaughter.”

• Meanwhile, the family of the real victim slaps Brandy with a wrongful death lawsuit.

• Hilary Duff is the new Lindsay Lohan, y’hear?

• Kelly Ripa, possibly into tea-bagging, definitely not into talking about tea-bagging on the air.

• Despite not being nominated for an Academy Award, Beyonce is so serious about acting that she’s started channeling her bitchy diva Dreamgirls character off-screen.

• Ever wish that following trashy gossip was a competitive sport? Well, now it is! Pickyour own fantasy team, cross your fingers and hope that your celebrity trainwrecks ship comes in!

• Republicans hate the fact that Giuliani’s pro-choice and pro-gay almost as much as they hate the fact that Barack Obama is pro-terrorist.

• Brandy to get more than a slap on the wrist for killing someone with her car.

• Martha Stewart voices her support for Hillary, Rosie; admits to TiVoing Ellen DeGeneres.

• “Dresses to Di For” tour scrapped after Princess Di’s ill-timed fatal car crash; tour to finally relaunch under new, less offensive name.

• Possible new couple alert: Scarlett Johansson and Marky Mark go on a funky lunch…date.

• Diddy bang Sienna or what?? London tabs getting feisty over rumors that Diddy, a new daddy, is diddling the mediocre actress.

• Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie eat a not-at-all staged dinner together; bond over mutual hatred of “unsightly” Mr. Chow doggie bags.

It’s our week-long duty to bring you a taste of Sundance, which is sort of like Taste of New York, except with more free swag and movies nobody is seeing.

And speaking of movies – you know, the reason Sundance exists – we’re told by one Sundance insider that “none of the celebs are here promoting their movies. Last year they all attended their screenings (at least premiere screenings) and this year there is almost nobody on the A-list that is attending those.”

Change, as the kids say, is in the wind. Add to the fact that, as one source tells it, “the celeb scene is not so great this year,” and it’s a recipe for gossip disaster. Like the disaster of Diddy’s performance at the MySpace party on Saturday night.

Meanwhile, we hear that there really is no reason to abandon NYC for Park City, since as of Sunday night:

Marquee was packed with the usual Monday night Butter scene (Scott Sartiano, Dhani Jones, top celeb publicists Greg Link of Fingerprint and Matt Hein of Eastside PR) while Tao was an overcrowded party with a rough crowd. Diddy was upstairs in VIP with an oversized posse, and the smell of pot the kept floating down to the main area seemed to be coming from their corner pretty consistently. Matisyahu (rappin’ reggae rabbi) got on stage for an impromptu performance and did two songs. Perez Hilton was roaming around (soooo hard to miss with that obnoxious pink hair) and was attached at the hip to Mike Satsky, the owner of stereo. CT from the real world was wearing the one outfit that he always wears on TV and looked greasier than ever.

And … then?

The after party that everyone talked about was the Heineken Light karaoke party, and people left at 4 even though it didn’t end til 5 (that’s a bad sign since usually everyone milks the parties until they are done).

Elsewhere, our spies file:

• DJ AM, spotted everywhere with Mandy Moore, is actually here on business: he’s spinning.

• Sienna Miller did an interview session at the Delta Sky Lodge, and Diddy proceeded to show up and persuade his way inside “because he wanted to see her.”

• The PM house hosted an after hours party in Deer Valley “that was so high maintenance. Super exclusive and you had to take a shuttle to get there.” Guests included Diddy, Jamie Lynn Spears, Damon Dash, Pharrell, Harvey Weinstein, Nick Cannon, Sienna Miller, Josh Hartnett.

• Among the most amusing movies that are screening: Farce of the Penguins, as March of the Penguins mock that was prescreened at the house of Fingerprint PR chief Greg Link. (Makes sense, since he had a few lines in the flick.)

With all the weird rumors abounding about new couples, we thought we’d update you on the latest.

In case you didn’t already know, Jessica Biel and Derek Jeter are officially over, meaning their days of steaming up the camera with hot, sexy vacay pictures are done and done.

This new, albeit not particularly surprising development, left Jess free to purchase all the vibrating undies that she wants, and to strut her stuff at the Golden Globes (and cause a Cameron Diaz shit-show meltdown over Justin Timberlake), while giving Jeter free reign to cruise for his next “hot and heavy” love affair.

But here’s what you probably didn’t know.

Rumors are flying that, in addition to flirting with JT, Jessica Biel was being ogled, and possibly even nibbled on by Diddy, who couldn’t seem to get enough of her “golden globes.” And, crazier still, we’re hearing that Jeter was getting all down and dirty-like with Bring It On hottie, Gabrielle Union, dry-humping her on the dance-floor to that classic, romantic slow song, “Put It In Your Mouth.”

We’re certainly not ones to jump to conclusions, but—at the very least—this picture of Diddy looking down Jessica Biel’s dress speaks volumes about his devotion to longtime girlfriend (and mother of his new twins), Kim Porter. Of course, it remains unclear how Sienna Miller, Diddy’s newest party-hopping pal, fits into all of this, but we’re guessing Kim isn’t exactly thrilled about that either.

Not yet sure whether Diddy will be able to channel all this drama into a crappy, unoriginal compilation album, but we are loving the fact that he supposedly edged out the Yankees star, Derek Jeter, in a footrace towards second base.

‘

• Kiera Knightley sues tabs for alleging she has an eating disorder; Rachel Zoe tells her “get over yourself, fatty!”

• Aww, Nick Lachey had a nerdy high-school crush on Carmen Electra.

• Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams might be secretly married! This would all be so scandalous and tawdry if they didn’t already live together in BK with their lovechild.

• Creepy, 60-year-old Sylvester Stallone deprived the female population of his man-juice while filming the Rocky sequel nobody wanted.

• Denis Leary credits Cosmopolitan for his sexual prowess; we credit Denis Leary for the mental picture that made us lose our breakfast.

• Sienna Miller keeps party-hopping with her new BFF, P. Diddy Combs. Diddy, a daddy, says he’s been doing an excellent job of keeping his eye on “the twins.”

• Brad Pitt proves he’s a wee bit racist by congratulating a random Extra correspondent for Jennifer Hudson’s Golden Globe.

• Could Lindsay Lohan’s stint in rehab have been triggered by a brutal rebuff from the possibly gay James Franco?

• Alec Baldwin solicits Glamour’s help in finding himself a date; Related: the 40-year-old Jane virgin has been “spamming” Alec Baldwin all morning.

• Sienna Miller/Josh Hartnett rumors abound. Don’t worry, Josh—Sienna would never take issue with you eating in front of her…so long as you don’t try and force-feed her while you’re at it.

• Liza Minnelli to finalize her divorce from the alarmingly effeminate David Gest.

• Breaking: Britney Spears’ “Fed Up” video is a fake! Brit hasn’t found time in her busy, Jew-humping schedule to leak a shitty new pop-song onto the internet, y’all!