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The Donald is back, and so is Intern Molly / Jossip
The Donald is back, and so is Intern Molly
— Fri, Sep 23, 2005 —

Intern Molly has been so enjoying watching reality TV shows for Jossip that, well, we just can't stop her now. Yesterday was a slam dunk duo with America's Next Top Model and The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. And with last night's premiere of Donald Trump's original The Apprentice, well, you knew it was coming.

The premiere of the fifth season of Donald Trump????????s Apprentice is little more than an hour-long ad for crap-ass Bally????????s Total Fitness. It????????s sort of fitting, however, because the level of annoyance embodied by this cast is reminiscent of the humiliation by, embarrassment for and uncomfortable atmosphere created by Bally????????s real employees.

Anyone who has ever been inside a Bally????????s knows how crazy their staff members are. If you stop visiting the gym they will call you. At your home. Every week. (You know, not that I would ever stop going to the gym or anything.) This cast is sort of like that in their insistence that they are in the right place, deserving to win, and always doing the correct thing, when it is clear that it is so, so wrong for everyone involved.

We promise, Intern Molly will resume her Apprentice recap (and bench her Bally's rant) after the jump.

The premiere of the fifth season of Donald Trump????????s Apprentice is little more than an hour-long ad for crap-ass Bally????????s Total Fitness. It????????s sort of fitting, however, because the level of annoyance embodied by this cast is reminiscent of the humiliation by, embarrassment for and uncomfortable atmosphere created by Bally????????s real employees.

Anyone who has ever been inside a Bally????????s knows how crazy their staff members are. If you stop visiting the gym they will call you. At your home. Every week. (You know, not that I would ever stop going to the gym or anything.) This cast is sort of like that in their insistence that they are in the right place, deserving to win and always doing the correct thing — when it is clear that it is so, so wrong for everyone involved.

The teams (men vs. women again, because Trump ???????can????????t tell them apart otherwise." Um, what?) are told to make up a class for a Bally????????s location, market it, sell it and see who can make more money when they run it for a day.

This is the worst challenge ever.

The show does begin with a moment of pure comedy, however, when Trump makes the contestants race around his golf course for a helicopter hidden somewhere (in plain view) that will take two members of the winning team to Manhattan in order to scope which of the two Bally????????s locations is preferable. As funny as it is to watch people in business suits race each other like maniacs, the reward is pretty worthless.

The women (Team Capital Edge), who lose the race and are stuck with the Spanish Harlem Bally????????s, immediately embark on the worst marketing campaign I????????ve ever witnessed.

Rather than going the obvious route and try to sell the class to people who are already gym members, they try to sell it to people on the street, including those who appear to be the elderly and homeless. Crazy Melissa plays up her Hispanic routes right off, claiming ???????Hispanics won????????t pay $20 for a class,??????? successfully alienating herself from the rest of the pastel suits who don????????t know how respond to such idiocy.

Remarkably, the men (Team Excel, or as I like to call them, Team Data Entry), who seem to support the entire hair gel industry, are only able to win by ten dollars.

What kind of morons are they? It????????s still unclear, but they should have won by a landslide by soliciting Bally????????s members. The men also seem to be dominating the women in the ???????being completely delusional??????? category, including such gems as Mr. ???????I knew I had to work with Mr. Trump at some point in my life," Mr. ???????I think that being openly gay is my key to winning??????? and Mr. ???????Being on the Apprentice embodies my deceased grandmother."

This season????????s twist is that the project managers are not granted immunity unless voted on by the whole team. Marcus, Team Excel????????s PM, was not granted immunity, basically because his whole team thinks he????????s a pussy. Marcus???????? future on the show looks grim.

Christi, Team Capital Edge????????s project manager, goes with the ???????take no prisoners??????? strategy, and, rather than bringing two women into the boardroom for elimination, only brings Melissa.

Though both women receive a severe scolding from Trump, he brings the ultimate hate on Melissa. She does, however, end the show with a maniacal laugh and exclamation that she would rather be the first eliminated than the fifth or seventh.

Sure, honey.





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