• Mischa Barton learns that mixing “antibiotics and a shitload of alcohol” might not actually be a good idea.
• How do you fall down the slippery slope of “totally fine” to “coked up underage car-crasher?” Clearly a photo montage will have all the answers.
• Meanwhile, Entourage pisses off the diversity police by failing to feature ginormous black bodyguards. Of course, one could argue that they don’t feature white bodyguards either, but that would just be silly.
• Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale celebrate baby Kingston’s first birthday. Sadly for Kingston, the popular diaper crowd had already RSVPed to Shiloh’s big bash.
• Wilmer Valderrama may be collaborating on Kevin Federline’s next album. And here we thought it was all downhill after Yo’ Mama!
• Heather Mills may be a leg down, but she already has a leg up on her Dancing With the Stars competition.
• Ralph Fiennes’ airplane conquest was “too proud to ask anyone for money.” Except, you know, in exchange for sex.
• Note to Wilmer Valderrama: it takes a whole lot more than Matchbox 20 to woo Lindsay Lohan. Just ask Scott Storch!
• Victoria Beckham is way into teabagging, not so much into solids.
• Jesse Metcalfe and his man-boobs won’t be lounging poolside at the Mondrian Hotel anytime soon.
• Kitty Kelley wonders when the Bush daughters will join Prince Harry on the frontlines in Iraq.
We’re not quite sure how this happened, but we somehow managed to miss Wilmer Valderrama’s birthday due to some combination of pressing work demands, family obligations, and generally not being invited.
And, from the looks of this picture, Wilmer’s celebration was even fancier than that time our buddy got a single, forlorn-looking candle in his IHOP breakfast, (with an abbreviated “HB Ned” hastily scribbled atop his pancakes in dripping maple syrup).
Anyhow, we’re pretty sure Wilmer was devastated at our complete and utter lack of acknowledgment of his “Big Day,” so we figured the best way to make things right would be to send a belated birthday card that would really speak to him on some sort of deep, personal level.
After much hemming and hawing, several crumpled up pieces of paper and more than a few sheets of balled-up Kleenex, here’s the draft we eventually ended up going with:
Dear Wilmer,
Yo’ mama is so fat she’s on both sides of the family! She’s so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace tried to push her back in the water! She’s so fat that when we went to the drive-in, we didn’t have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet!
Happy (Belated) Birthday!
Love,
Jossip
p.s. Yo’ mama!
Haha, that show is so hilarious, Wilmer! (We just hope Ashton Kutcher didn’t already send you the exact same thing.)
Lindsay’s little black book is looking mighty full these days. The underage alchy has been bombarded with admirers, attracting the notice of past conquests Wilmer Valderrama and Jared Leto, and catching the color-blind eye of record producer/fashion victim Scott Storch.
Although Leto and Valderrama attempted to rein Lindsay in with their best come-hither stares, Storch one-upped the competition by shelling out for expensive diamond jewlery in a transparent bid to graduate from Loser Guy Friend to Sympathy Fuck.
Not to be outdone, however, Kevin Federline reportedly got in on the action, by which we mean he attempted (and failed) to impress.
CONTINUED »
• Oh, snap. As if Lindsay Lohan needed another reason to hate Scarlett Johansson, Scarlett is now stealing Lindsay’s classy signature shot (Kamikazes?) and downing them all night with Wilmer Valderrama at Marquee. [Page Six]
• But, Lohan has Jeremy Piven to help her forget about her problems. Or, y’know, give her more problems. [Egotastic]
• Fox News thinks Keith Olbermann went a bit too far with his Bill O’Reilly stint. We wonder if it was the mask, or the Nazi salute that put the network over the top? [AP]
• A new book about John F. Kennedy Jr., complete with “never-before-seen†photos of the sexiest man alive?! We’re so in. [Lowdown]
• Naomi Campbell dated Robert De Niro? Whoa, his stock just went down faster than the Observer’s. [R&M]
• Expect a larger-than-normal drinking binge from Tara Reid soon. Looks like she’ll need the alcohol to get over her movie role embarrassment. [R&M]
Hey everyone, listen up. Boys are stupid, too! Not just girls, ok? Boys can be just as stupid as girls. They can be arm candy, and bank accounts, and starfuckers just as well as girls can.
NBC said it before, and today on Today, they said it again. Honing in on “mimbos” or “himbos” Campbell Brown grilled Atoosa Rubenstein on who the “it” stupid boys are today.
We applaud the Today show and NBC for their fight against this sexism. It’s so easy for editors of men’s magazines to sit up there and say word for word “Paris Hilton is stupid” or “Hilary Duff is completely vapid and worthless.” It’s about time we gave guys like Wilmer Valderrama and Kevein Federline the same type of attention and accolades for being total fuckin’ idiots.
Talk about progress.
Stupid girls? Don’t forget the stupid boys [Paige Ferrari, MSNBC, May 5, 2006]
Girls can be bimbos, but can guys be himbos? [Today Show]
• It may be a haven for rapes, beatings, and stabbing, but as long as there are drunken men in Brooklyn, the topless bar will never be far from your homes. [NYT]
• Need help telling your husband that he’s an asshole and you never want to see him again? Try this new 77-page divorce handbook for dummies. [NYDN]
• Where’s Wilmer Valderrama to explain that it’s not okay to combat a “yo’ momma” joke with an I’d like to “ejaculate and urinate” on your daughter joke? [Metro]
• Illegal immigrants, you can trust NYC hospitals. Of course they want you to be healthy … there are floors to be washed and bed pans to be cleaned. [NYP]
• Pretty soon, New Yorkers are just going to be a bunch of Transformers with beams of light coming out of our eyes. [FBNY]
In the current issue of Maxim, everyone’s favorite celebrity mimbo Wilmer Valderrama does his best to stay demure when discussing his endowment:
There’s no way this won’t sound cocky in print, but, hey, my nickname is Big Wil.
Memories of Lindsay Lohan walking the red carpet at the Maxim 100 party just got that much more bittersweet.
• The cops just got to third base with the hooligans who call themselves “The Untouchables.” [Metro]
• It turns out that the only weapons kids are carrying around are their cell phones. Actually, we hear those can be a little dangerous when thrown. [NY1]
• Turns out that mailman was just a fan of Seinfeld. And hallucinating. [NYP]
• Wilmer Valderrama confirms that we are all safe from him taking permanent residence here. [NYO]
• Harvard kids always ruin freakin’ everything! We just hope he used Kaavya Viswanathan’s book to fuel the flames. [NYT]
Ever wished you had the recipe for a condo sell-out? Well, we were trolling the Observer blogs for fodder and found this desperate attempt at boldfacing.
Overplayed Party Punch:
1 part Lizzie Grubman
2 parts Corcoron Group
1 part Wilmer Valderrama
A dash of Giorgione.
Mix in a Tribeca Condo soiree, and serve to a bunch of extremely excited real estate bloggers.
Wilmer Valderrama Hosts Condo Party [Michael Calderone, The Real Estate]
• If we’ve learned anything from Pete Doherty, it’s that Kate Moss isn’t a very good role model [3am]
• Uh, we always thought Sean Penn was a little weird (and that Ann Coulter was a huge bitch) but burning Barbies with cigarettes? That was so 7th grade. [Page Six]
• Pamela Anderson fights for nature … and nature is still trying to figure out exactly what Pam is. [MSNBC]
• Apparently the rules for gentlemen don’t kiss and tell don’t apply when you’re trying to get your name in the press. We can only assume Jessica Simpson’s next fling will be Wilmer Valderrama. [Pop Sugar]
• Yeah, yeah, Randy Johnson has a secret love child. C’mon, George Clooney has like 10! [TSG] l
• Calvin Klein wants Kate Moss to come back and model for them. Kate said she’d do it, but only if she can take off her shirt and jump around. [Page Six]
• Nick Lachey asks everyone to please stop calling him a loser. Making an infomercial means he’s cool again, ok? [People]
• We used to think being something like a firefighter or a miner was the most dangerous profession a person could have. We have now realized that being a hip hop artist’s bodyguard is the job with the highest associated death rate. [CNN]
• WWD is one of the Fairstepchild pubs to get screwed by Conde Nast. Case in point, the EIC Ed Nardoza’s office, which currently houses the janitor and will be invested with mice any day now. [Page Six]
• Oh, Campbell Robertson. We know that New Yorkers are special, and many of your boldface socialites escape the commoners, but everyone knows who Wilmer Valderrama is. And not because he was on TV — because he dated Lindsay Lohan. [NYT]
• And don’t forget to tune in tomorrow to Today, when Ann Curry gets her hair cut. Thrilling, people. [NBCUMV]
• Is it just us, or does Brad Pitt act like Angelina Jolie’s sad, lost puppy more and more every day? [Page Six]
• James Frey totally ruined writing books for everybody. [NYDN]
• Hilary Swank is the new “face of fragrance” for Gurlain. We initially wondered if the fragrance was being marketed to men (it happens to be for women), but then we were faced with an even greater enigma. Why oh why would anyone ever want her face on anything? (Please don’t beat us up Hil.) [People]
• Oh, Lindsay Lohan. Despite her spunky attitude, tattoos and eating disorders, we usually think she’s a pretty classy gal. But hooking up with your ex at the SoHo Grand? That is so Paris Hilton. [Page Six]
• Regis & Kelly make Lindsay Lohan sick. After partying at the premiere of that giant monkey movie, she bailed on the stodgy morning chatfest. Miraculously, she recovered later on to appear at the much hipper TRL, where the demographic skews much more in her favor: young and insecure about themselves. [The Scoop]
• Peter Braunstein’s victim (a former W staffer) at has hired legal help to keep the media from revealing details about her identity, from where she works to where she lives. And that she ever had sex with Peter Braunstein. [Radar]
• Britney Spears‘ solution to keep Kevin Federline at home? Designate a “Britney and Kevin” day, where it’s just the twosome and their newborn spawn. Too bad those pesky drug dealers showed up and spoiled it all. [Marc Malkin]
&bull Paris Hilton shops. Paris Hilton doesn’t drop. [Page Six]
• Logo is finally getting around to producing a gay dating show. It really has been too long since Boy Meets Boy. [La Dolce Musto]
• Wacky newlyweds Marilyn Manson and Dita Von Teese have all the ingredients for a blissful union: bondage, spanking, blood, and asphyxiation. [R&M]
• Eminem is taking a breather from music, but not from ex-wife Kim Mathers. The rapper is back with his famous feuding partner and says they’re likely going to remarry, which he’ll then go on to record an album about. [AP]
• He lost $150,000 that he never paid, but Mischa Barton’s on-again off-again fling Brandon Davis recouped $100,000 of it at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, sticking it to owners the Morton family, friends of his that fell out after the debt went unpaid. [Page Six]
• Howard Stern says he isn’t pulling in the reported $500 million from Sirius. That figure is far too large; it’s more like $480 million. [R&M]
• Lindsay Lohan and Wilmer Valderrama are said to be on the verge of rekindling their romance. That is, Star magazine is hurting for a story this week. [Star]
It’s not all true, claims Wilmer Valderrama. The star of That 70’s Show (and little else) is responding to the constant tabloid claims that depict him carrying on numerous trysts with Hollywood’s hottest starlets.
We get, Wilmer: You’re the Us Weekly fall guy, but somebody has to be. And, quite frankly, we’d rather it be you than, say, Frankie Muniz, okay?
From Lindsay Lohan to Mandy Moore, Wilmer’s been tied to ‘em all in the weekly glossies. So what’s the real truth? Well, we have this slight feeling that the publicist-coached Valderrama might just not be telling the whole truth. So we did what any good gossip blog should: We translated his fibs into bigger falsehoods.
On Mandy Moore, Wilmer says: I was with her for almost two years. When it ended, it took me another four years to even give it a shot again. That was tough.
Wilmer means: I’m just pissed Adrian Grenier’s character on Entourage hit that more than I ever did.
On Lindsay Lohan, Wilmer says: Everyone has moved on just fine. I really wish her love too, because I really think she can use some.
Wilmer means: Lindsay could use love like she could use more collagen in her lips, an eyebrow lift and new implants. Oh, wait.
On Ashlee Simpson, Wilmer says: We’ve been friends for about 5 1â„2 years. All of a sudden we couldn’t be in the same room before people were saying we were making out.
Wilmer means: Does Star magazine have spies everywhere?
On Jaime Pressly, Wilmer says: There is no story there. All of us on the show have been friends with Jaime for many, many years. … Jaime is an amazing girl.
Wilmer means: That ho is just trying to use me for publicity. Bitch.
• W Hotels is snubbing Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony from its Fashion Week party after last year’s infamous “fuck you” doodle incident.
• Nicky Hilton is agreeing to hold court as a bridesmaid for both sissy Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride — except for that one time in Vegas when we were really wasted and were lucky enough to get it annulled.
• Ocean Drive’s VMA party wasn’t just home to Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson’s brooding — it was also the scene of Shaquille O’Neal’s beating up a fellow party-goer. Though he didn’t react with Russell Crowe’s pinache. Instead, he took off for for Louisiana to escape Hurricane Katrina.
• Tyson Beckford is done with modeling, thanks to Diddy’s Sean John line. He announced yesterday he was quitting the biz of cashing in on good looks thanks to Sean Comb’s complete lack of fashion know-how. That’ll go nicely with his breach of contract and trademark infringement lawsuit.
• B-List celebrities are clamoring to get spots on the Hurricane Katrina benefit circuit, because being seen is being seen, right?
• Whether you think it was the gays, the terrorists or the gay terrorists responsible for Hurricane Katrina, our money is on abortion rights advocates.
• While Courtney Love spends time at her new rehab home, her New York landlord is trying to kick her out of her SoHo loft (in the building Lenny Kravitz once inhabited). Mercury Capital says she hasn’t made a mortgage payment since June, which is understandable considering her habit.
• Now that Ashton Kutcher has stepped aside to impregnate Demi Moore, it’s Wilmer Valderrama’s moment to shine — as a C-list It Boy.
Editorial Director
