Not only is Hamptons Cottages & Gardens not going to be sold this summer — Jason Binn's Niche Media and Sandow Media looked, but were like, "ehhhh, no" — but neither is Us Weekly. As quietly as he began shopping around the tabloid, Jann Wenner supposedly took the celebrity rag, which earned $75 million last year, off the market, finding no bidders at the $750 million price level. The short list of potential acquirers, of course, included Conde Nast. No longer, since Si Newhouse & Co. are busy figuring out just how much cash Portfolio is going to bleed from their coffers. So what's the future of Us, now that it's staying at home?

A strict curfew, and no more raiding of the liquor cabinet for this feisty youngster!

Wenner Media staffers accustomed to desk clean-ups and inspections will also add some new rules to Wenner's maniacal office rulebook: Managers must approve the use of messengers, and the office is getting rid of its photocopiers. There goes Thursday afternoon's ritual of Xeroxing editorial assistants' bare asses and messengering them to Hearst.