• The dumb one from The Hills gets breast implants! And no, referring to her surgically enhanced boobs "The Hills" will never stop being hilarious.

• Meanwhile, Paris Hilton's lawyers nix her pre-taped comedy sketch, about "a drunk ditz getting pulled over for a DUI." Prudes!

• Lindsay Lohan makes nice with Hilary Duff. Because she's finally over Aaron Carter. And because it's a "Step 8" thing.

• Barbara Walters is dating an 80 year-old gerontologist. Seriously, how perfect is that?

• Michael Jackson's daughter celebrates her 9th birthday with a shopping spree at FAO Schwarz! While wearing a sinister-looking black mask, of course.

• Halle Berry admits she's an "emotional retard." Which we kinda already knew after she got seriously depressed over David Justice.