Last week, we watched, transfixed, as Paula Abdul burst into tears after getting fired from a D-list movie production,* (presumably, for being a mentally unstable has-been) and then screamed "You guys, please! I'm trying to tell a GODDAMNED STORY!" during an otherwise boring episode of her reality television show, Hey Paula. At the time, a misty-eyed Paula wanted to know if God was even listening—you know, cause everything in her life was kind of going down the crapper?

Anyways, just when you thought Paula had hit rock bottom (seriously, with this one, how do you really know for sure?) comes a crazy full-frontal haiku assault instigated by none other than Rosie O'Donnell—the ex-View co-host and professional celebrity feuder—who attacks Paula the only way she knows how: through pseudo-intellectual free verse.

Writes Rosie:

there r times
u r so broken
fragile
pain filled
love less
desperate
raw
vulnerable
so needy for love …

hey paula
we cringe
at r selves
thru u

Wow. Sure, we like making fun of Paula as much as the next person** but we generally think more along the lines of a passive aggressive puns (like, "Hey Paula, Get A Grip!")

But "we cringe at r selves thru u??" Jeez, that's even worse than the unsympathetic Wikipedia user (not us, we promise) who wrote that "Paula's behavior on the [reality] show is psychotic!"

What's that? That guy Paula had an affair with on American Idol just got arrested? On drug charges? In Arkansas? Um, thanks for the info, but were you even listening?? This post is about Rosie, not some goober from AI season 2.

You guys, please. We're trying to tell a GODDAMNED STORY here.

* Or not, if you believe this Amazing Publicist Denial
**Who refers to him/herself in the royal we