• And, while we're on the subject of phones, you might want to make sure yours is on vibrate. If, for whatever reason, that's not possible, then at least have the courtesy to pick a halfway respectable cell phone ring (i.e. Journey or Aerosmith) instead of setting yours to play Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" every single time your significant other calls. Which, as we already know from listening to you check your voicemail every day, is kind of a lot! Seriously, though, vibrate.

• As a general rule of thumb, please do not irrationally insist that the front door be locked for mysterious (and inarticulately expressed) reasons, then annoyingly refuse to answer it whenever a deliveryman arrives and (surprise!) it's inevitably for you. Also, for future reference, screeching "Who is it?" in your tinny, high-pitched voice is not analogous to actually getting off your ass and accepting your package.

• Meanwhile, the next time you jump to the (equally irrational) conclusion that one of your fellow officemates may have wronged you, try to ask instead of accuse. Example: You've discovered a couple of unwashed forks in the sink. (The horror!) DON'T run over to your plastic utensil brandishing neighbors and bark, "Which one of you did this??" while menacingly waving the flatware in question. DO leave a sane, politely-worded note near the sink reminding everyone to wash dishes/silverware after they're through using them.

• When contemplating what to order for lunch, please try and steer clear of tuna salad, tuna melts and pretty much anything of the canned fish variety. Also, ask yourself the following questions: "Am I going to want that greasy Chinese food tomorrow? How about three weeks from now?" If the answer to either of those questions is no, consider tossing your leftovers before they start to colonize the fridge.

• Have a mid-afternoon craving for African tribal music? We don't! Fortunately, there's this crazy new invention all the kids are talking about these days. They're called "headphones." Look into it.

• Don't get visibly alarmed when we (i.e. the people who sit five feet across from you on an everyday basis but are not, thank God, affiliated with you or your business in any way) wave hello or even muster up the courage to say "Good morning." If this occurs, please don't then feel inclined to respond with a lengthy discourse about your taxing early-morning commute, or an incoherent rant about your boss/roommate/boyfriend. In the future, the appropriate response is simply "Good morning." To quote one of our favorite tv characters, "It's called 'small talk', not 'my depressing life in thirty seconds.'"

Anything we missed? Send them in and we'll be sure to include them in our next helpful installment of "How Not To Piss Off All Your Coworkers."

Meanwhile, we're belatedly heading into the office. We'll be the ones sipping from gigantic Gatorades and screening Intern Joe's phone calls while nursing the remnants of that nasty head-cold that mysteriously appeared Friday morning—and had almost completely vanished just in time for our 9pm dinner reservation.

PS. Sorry to be bearer of bad news, David, but you should probably order some more pens. Oh, and since we're already on the subject, you're also running dangerously low on Post-Its.