Now that we're all broke and just days away from trudging around a scorched earth and fighting gangs of rapists for food like in The Road, everyone's got one big question on their minds: How? How the hell did I get here? (This is not my beautiful wife!)

If you're lucky, perhaps you're going, "How the hell am I flying coach all of a sudden? The company used to put me in business." If you're like us, your query has been: "How the hell did I not know well vodka tastes just like expensive vodka?" Alas, if you're one of the 850 people who were recently shitcanned from Viacom, it is well within your right to ask, "How the hell did I get fired while Spencer fuckin' Pratt gets to keep his job?" Good question, friend.

Here's our rundown* of how many hardworking Viacom employees could have been spared if MTV had trimmed the fat over at its glorified nursery, The Hills.

*For our purposes, we used information from an anonymous poll that listed the average salary for a Viacom producer at $46,000

Lauren Conrad

Salary: $75,000 per episode ($1.4 million per season)

Viacom employees her paycheck could have saved: 30

How she earns her keep: "But it's so frustrating because I broke up with him 'cause I was sick of crying every day and fighting. I didn't wanna cry anymore. But now I'm crying because he's not here to make me stop."

Depth of her evil: Lauren "LC" Conrad is an egomaniac who bears absurd grudges, like a spoiled child (which she is). After a rumor began that she made a sex tape with her former boyfriend, temperamental racist Jason Wahler, LC blamed Heidi for starting it, despite Heidi's repeated denials. She now summarily rejects every olive branch Heidi extends. On top of that, LC never does any real work (no matter what editor Lisa Love says, this chick's Teen Vogue gig was a gimme), and yet she still whines about practically everything.

Fun fact: For her work in the clip above, LC was paid $2,586.

Heidi Montag

Salary: $65,000 per episode ($1.25 million per season)

Viacom employees her paycheck could have saved: 27

How she earns her keep: “I love ditching [school]. It’s like a thing I love.”

Depth of her evil: Heidi Montag is a cowardly victim who teaches her young fans that you shouldn't leave abusive relationships if you're getting paid a lot of money to be there. Ever since they started dating, Montag's fiancé, Spencer Pratt, has not stopped manipulating her, ultimately tricking her into considering staying with him forever. Once, Heidi said her breast augmentation and nose job were worth dying for. She is a sad woman who has no right being on TV, where impressionable young girls can watch her every pathetic move.

Spencer Pratt

Salary: $65,000 per episode ($1.25 million per season)

Viacom employees his paycheck could have saved: 27

How he earns his keep:

Heidi: That’s her problem I guess.
Spencer: Let’s go roll on her.
Heidi: What?
Spencer: Go roll up on her right now. Just be like, "What’s your problem?"

Depth of his evil: Save for the occasional SVU villain, no bigger controlling, misogynistic prick exists on television. Pratt treats girlfriend Heidi Montag like a surgically enhanced puppet, taking advantage of her naive kindness and willingness to forgive in every single episode. For instance, after ruining their condo with ill-planned, hideous design changes, Heidi told Spencer he shouldn't be making such drastic decisions without consulting her. His response: "They're not decisions, they're surprises." He will do anything it takes to get ahead, no matter how duplicitous or abhorrent. Also, he voted for John McCain. Screw this guy.

Audrina Patridge

Salary: $35,000 per episode ($665,000 per season)

Viacom employees her paycheck could have saved: 14

How she earns her keep:

Justin: (burps) Hey.
Audrina:You burp a lot.
Justin: (burps a lot)
Audrina: Excuse you, Mister.

Depth of her evil: Audrina gets used and abused by men – Justin Bobby specifically – just as badly as Heidi does by Spencer. What makes her sadder is that she's convinced herself she's got everything under control. Watching her look down her nose at Heidi one moment and then struggle to keep up with the idiotic, philandering Justin the next is to watch one of the strangest moral dances on television. Blech.

Fun fact: Audrina was, like, paid about $300 for, like, staring blankly at her sister in the clip above.

Whitney Port

Salary: $20,000 per episode ($380,000 per season)

Viacom employees her paycheck could have saved: 8

How she earns her keep: “Jeans can be really addicting. There’s always new ones and you feel like you have to have them.”

Depth of her evil: Whitney is the sellout. Before engulfing herself in the disastrous inferno that is The Hills, Port was a gender studies major at USC, where she obtained her degree in 2007. What's her plan now that she's full of knowledge about cultural representations of The Woman? She's going to star in her own Hills spinoff, The City. Guess she's gotten over her privacy issues, which she cited as her reason for not accepting a larger role on The Hills. Yay, jeans!

Brody Jenner

Salary: $10,000 per episdoe ($190,000 per season)

Viacom employees his paycheck could have saved: 4

How he earns his keep: “I understand that you’re in love, but, it just sucks when you just flake out on the homies like that.”

Depth of his evil: Ladies and gentleman, your classic disgusting rich kid. The son of Olympian turned plastic surgery nightmare Bruce Jenner, Brody makes no attempt whatsoever to feign ambition for the cameras. While the rest of his cast mates chase vanity jobs at bad magazines or PR firms, Brody is content with spending daddy's money in Vegas and brunching at shitty but trendy LA hot spots. He also pulls a lot of tail, which says more about the women in LA than him.