Scott Raab, who has the enviable job of annoying celebrities for a living, has a new book out, Real Hollywood Stories, which means he’s on a press tour to convince you his book is worth buying even though you already live in a world of gossip blogs and reality TV, where celebrity isn’t celebrated, but a bought-and-sold commodity. So how to do so? By revealing how he got Robert Downey Jr. to discuss carpet munching.

ESQ: How do you get Robert Downey Jr. to discuss his cunnilingus technique? He just kinda offer that one up?

SR: No, it’s me. It’s me. It is. I get in these conversations and on the vast continuum of human sexuality I tend towards the high testosterone side, which is not a boast. You know, four or five times a night is the most I’m able to go. Look, when you go out there at 300-plus pounds, people actually treat you differently than when you’re at 225. Especially actors. So I’ve got to compensate, I’ve got to make them laugh. It’s really just sales.

ESQ: If you could ask one question to any celebrity — and they’ve taken a magic sodium penathol truth-telling cocktail to ensure they’ll answer — what question do you ask what celebrity?

SR: Let’s see. I asked Dennis Rodman what it was like to fuck Madonna. So I got the answer to that one — he said it was good. I asked Bill Murray what he said to Scarlett Johansson in Lost in Translation, but he wouldn’t tell me. I think I’d like to ask Al Gore, “How the fuck do you still walk the Earth after handing the keys to the White House to George W. Bush and Dick Cheney? I don’t want to hear about Nader and Florida. You lost Tennessee and West Virginia. How on earth do you not disembowel yourself? Take your fucking Nobel Prize and drop dead.” [Esquire]