• Joke’s over. South Carolinian democrats stubbornly refuse to allow a comedian to run for the leader of the free world as a publicity stunt.

• Tennis truly is nothing like Hollywood. Example: Martina Hingis tests positive for cocaine; she retires in disgrace. Lindsay Lohan goes to rehab for cocaine use; she comes back with a ProActiv sponsorship and a shiny new movie deal.

• 60 Minutes proves way more effective at apprehending criminals than To Catch A Predator.

• Jacob the Jeweler is sent to prison, thereby depriving hardworking celebrities of their much-needed bling. Meanwhile, being incarcerated hasn’t stopped Jacob from launching his own $80 vodka, called “Bocaj” (his name spelled backwards). Which we think it truly “C-i-t-o-i-d-i.”

• Did you hear? Print is deader than disco. Circulation numbers continue to plummet.

• This just in from Thursday Styles: Being a woman in the workplace isn’t always easy. The lead story from next week’s Styles: “Every month, another woman will menstruate.”