• Lance Armstrong insults our intelligence (and makes us question his) by insisting he’s just friends with Ashley Olsen, and referring to her as a “nice, smart lady.”

• Spice Girls fill in for Kanye West at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. Throughout the performance, Posh was overheard murmuring quietly to herself, “Th-th-that that don’t kill me. Will only make me stronger.”

• Meanwhile, Heidi Klum has altogether too much fun with her Bedazzler.

• Natalie Portman becomes the latest unattached celebrity to say she won’t get married until the gays do.

• TMZ: The doctor who “operated on Kanye West’s mom the day before she died” also left a sponge inside of another patient. And now there’s a warrant out for his arrest. Not that we’re directly accusing him of anything, mind you. But allegedly? He totally killed Mama West.