• New, wholly unnecessary installment of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, to star chubby no-name comedian. Alllllllright then!

• Brawl at Les Deux leaves one person weave-less, everyone else laughing uncontrollably.

• Pete Wentz continues to play off his gay fans.

• It must be nice not relying on the sketchy deli/bodega next door for your daily nutritional lunch.

• Cigarettes, check. Coffee, check. Dog ,check. Ridiculous Muppet-like pink wig…check.

• Thank God someone finally called people out on wearing Crocs.

• Star Jones to write article about how she really went from a fat cow to an oddly shaped skinny lady. Said article to suspiciously omit any permutation of the phrase "gastric bypass."