• In the words of an eight year old girl who's all kinds of fucked up, "I'd rather have breast milk, than a million melons."

• OK, seriously, this is the last Paris spoof video we're ever posting.

• CSI star Shemar Moore denies that he was on a gay beach, but embraces rumors regarding his ginormous penis.

• If you weren't already completely repulsed by Perez Hilton, this definitely ought to do it.

• This is what really happens to prison inmates who accidentally "drop the soap."

• Lily Allen joins forces with Nike to release a new line of cheaply made overpriced sneakers.

• Dear Steven Spielberg: As much as the Chinese loved Indiana Jones, they probably aren't going to give up their billion dollar Sudan contract for you.