• If you feel like spending $17,000 on a diamond-encrusted baby binky, buy this. And then kindly allow us to beat you over the head with it, because you're an idiot.

• A gay couple on Desperate Housewives? This may very well destroy our nation's finely woven moral fibers.

• Paris Hilton is recording a new album and starring in a futuristic move opera. It's almost enough to make us care!

• Can't people in Illinois find something better to do with their time then make the world's largest packet of ketchup?

• Hillary Clinton is finally rendered speechless.

• Astronomy, biology, chemistry…Scientology?