• The National Enquirer is really sorry that Britney Spears is still married to Kevin Federline. [AP]

• “J-Dia” (who will forever hold a place in our hearts as the pot princess), is going head to head with Paris Hilton’s “vocals.” [Page Six]

• John Cussak’s stalker was finally issued a restraining order. Surprisingly, the star didn’t come to court and within a hundred yards of her when she received this punishment. Hmmm. [TMZ]

• Christie Brinkley’s husband had an affair with a brunette from Long Island. Things got really serious when he drove all the way to Bensonhurst to leave love notes on her car … they were almost as long as the Post's headline. [NYP]

• Well, Lindsay Lohan's still young. It takes most girls til at least 20 to realize that shagging on a rug give you the burns … and not just when you pee. [Mollygood]