Wait, are you serious? You mean I didn't have to spend all that time in line waiting for my chance to sing in front of Simon, Randy, Paula, and that guy from Sugar Ray? You mean that in order to get a record contract there was no need for anyone to text vote for me? That I wouldn't need to compete against a kid named Sanjay or Clay?

Jesus, Joe the Plumber! Why didn't you tell us?!

The heretofore unknown and more or less mediocre Samuel J. Wurzelbacher is trying to elasticize his 15 minutes of fame: He's actually enlisted three managers to craft his "brand," and could get into country singing. "Joe is a hard-core country music fan, and he can carry a tune," says his manager apparently without irony.

Other possible gigs include shilling for Home Depot or, less specifically, being "the voice of Middle America." One thing he says he won't do: Run for office.

Well, thank god for small favors. If anyone is thinking of ironically going in a Joe the Plumber '12 costume for Halloween, you should just shut that down right now.