• Lindsay Lohan cancels her 21st birthday celebration; Dina Lohan responds by calling her daughter a "wet blanket."

• Nicole Richie abstains from alcohol lest her tiny, possibly non-existent fetus be subjected to empty calories.

• Tom Cruise reaches the highest level of "clear" in Scientology, and can now focus his full energies on stealing some rich Australian guy's life savings.

• Busta Rhymes celebrates his 35th birthday by "st[anding] in a corner alone with his bodyguard" and sullenly mouthing the words to his own songs.

• According to Bette Midler, Martha Stewart "can make a lamp out of a pine cone with one hand tied behind her back," prompting an angry Macgyver to respond, "Game on."