• Ted Casablanca reveals the secret behind Angelina's rapid weight loss. You guessed it: Black tar heroin.

• Kate Moss tells Pete Doherty that she'll only marry him if he can lay off the crack-pipe. Doherty responds to this ultimatum by writing, "Smack and needle-free we shall marry in the summer and I become 10 times happier than any given smackhead. Huzzah!" Yeah, good luck with that whole marriage thing, Kate.

• Paris Hilton is sick, tired of being used by the media without whom she would be nothing.

• Hotelier Andre Balaz to give the Chelsea Hotel the "Chateau Marmont" treatment. Plans include completely renovating the interior, and stocking the Star Lounge with Moet champagne, trendy ottomans and the Olsen twins.

• Meanwhile, Chad Michael Murray isn't just a mediocre actor who enjoys marrying barely legal teenagers and then promptly cheating on them. He's also a nightmare ex!

• Kim Kardashian is looking for love the only way she knows how: by hanging with Britney Gastineau, and then begging people to introduce her to Pharrell Williams before settling for Fabolous instead.

• Rapper 50 Cent is into having into having sex, he ain't into making love. But apparently, he is into holding hands with the middle-aged Dutchess of York.