• Unable to tamper with her ankle monitoring bracelet and not content to simply sit back and sip on Shirley Temples, Lindsay Lohan has apparently figured out the secret to a happy, sober existence: total Ecstasy.

• Either that or LiLo's holed up in her room getting high on whippets, chugging cold meds, and screaming "Mo' Tussin!"

• An unleashed Suri Cruise terrorized a Barnes & Nobles on Monday, throwing books at Katie Holmes' feet and generally pissing off all the bookish singletons looking for love in the self-help aisle.

• Ryan Seacrest needs a new beard, preferably one who doesn't say things like, "Beer doesn't give you a yeast infection, right?" or start singing, "I'm not wearing pantyhose."

• Usher finds a clever way to alienate his biggest and only fan.

• Gwen Stefani sues Forever 21 for making even crappier clothes than usual.