• One-legged philanthropist Heather Mills rejects Paul McCartney's paltry $41 million divorce settlement offer, but agrees to put 'all this pettiness aside' for the nominal fee of $102 million.

• In the philosophizing words of Cisco Adler, a pseudo rock star who has very strange-looking genitals, "I tend to find myself dating famous women sometimes. I just write dope songs and [bleep] hot bitches." Such is life.

• Kate Hudson "[bleeps] with the media" by only pretending to date a shirtless comedian, whose nose has never been broken and then pieced back together by a semi-drunk plastic surgeon.

• Steve Martin will finally marry his longtime girlfriend, former New Yorker writer Anne Stringfield, after rationalizing that she's a hell of a lot better than his ex-girlfriend, full-time crazy-person, Anne Heche.

• Kelsey Grammer shells out $170 pair for the privilege of covering his extra-large posterior with an (oversized) American flag.

• Suge Knight beats up the 'little effeminate guy' from Entourage.