• Professional Jackass Johnny Knoxville didn't take out a billboard with Luke Wilson's private, unlisted phone number on it or anything. He just hired a plane to hover around some B-list party in Malibu with a flier.

• Did you hear? Lindsay is innocent of all charges and she was totally framed by the police! Like O.J.! Also, she has the excuse-making abilities of a thirteen year-old girl caught smoking ciggies in the girls' lavatory.

• Next time, Paris feels like drugging Tyler Atkins, she may want to go with something more potent.

• Jay-Z and Jermaine Dupri went from rapping together on "Money Ain't A Thing" to facing off in some bizarre mogul-to-mogul standoff over (you guessed it) money.

• Hint to Holly Madison: When your "boyfriend" is 81 year-old, and still not ready to leave the world of naked Playboy pinups and wild, drug-induced orgies behind, the odds are he's not exactly cut out for fatherhood.

• TODAY'S men are neither intelligent nor witty enough to satisfy Lauren Bacall's vagina.