• Judith Giuliani is an opportunistic, puppy-killing homewrecker…or is she?

• Star Jones sometimes wishes she was a white guy instead of a formerly obese black woman.

• The Times' David Pogue loves his new iPhone so much, it's almost as though he has an iBook deal. Oh, wait.

• Words cannot describe Paris Hilton's unnaturally tan face, but an episode of Seinfeld can! Specifically, the one where Kramer falls asleep in the tanning salon on the same day he's supposed to meet his (black) girlfriend's parents for the first time, and then when the dad lays eyes on him, he shakes his head, and says, "I don't see no white boy. I see a damned fool." Yeah, Paris' face is like that.

• Usher's lifelong fear of commitment rears its ugly head the day before he was supposed to get married.

• In addition to being a spoiled brat who cries uncontrollably during interviews and music video shoots, Britney Spears is also rocking the beer belly. Not cool, y'all.